My 5 Worst Vices

I don’t really have any vices anymore. I used to have some big ones, but these days, I’m pretty vice-free.

No matter how much I try to give it up, I always end up awake and ruminating deeply on the fact that I am not sleeping. There are a few things that humans need to do in order to survive and sleep is one of them. There’s got to be some sort of twelve-step program I could follow to shake this habit.

I do this so much that it’s automatic. I don’t even think about it; I just do it. I breathe even during the few hours a night that I’m sleeping. I just don’t know how to get on with life without taking big hits of air every few seconds. It’s a real problem.

Seriously, someone needs to figure out a way to stop this one or at least slow it down. It’s annoying. I have to pee every hour on the hour and sometimes more often than that, or my body goes into withdrawal. I wish there was some way to stop all this peeing because it’s really a nuisance. Over the course of my life, I have probably spent more time peeing than I have sleeping.

Don’t you just hate that itch you can’t scratch? You end up like a dog, rubbing your back against a corner trying to scratch an itch because you can’t reach. I know itching is a warning sign of possible greater dangers, but really, itching and scratching are human vices I could live without.

Pain is a pain. Like itching, it’s a possible warning sign of greater dangers. For example, you might have a giant hole in your gut and are in the process of bleeding out, but I think the sight of all the blood is probably a better indicator. Besides, if you get a really serious injury, it doesn’t hurt at all. If you get hurt too badly, your body doesn’t even tell you that you’re in pain. It seems pretty backwards to me that a paper cut would hurt more than a serious, life-threatening trauma. And what about those maladies that don’t exhibit blood, like headaches? Why do I need to know that my brain hurts? Shouldn’t my brain just sort itself out since there’s nothing I can do about it anyway?

I would write more, but I have to go pee now.

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