Recipe for Disaster

1lb of Time.
Time is essential for any recipe. This is not to be confused with thyme, the herb. If you are making ice cream, for instance, thyme would certainly not be essential. In fact, it would be rather disgusting. On the other hand, time is essential for everything, not just recipes. This particular recipe has all of the time in the world or at least a pound of it. Break it up into small chunks and put it in the biggest mixing bowl you have. Beat on a low setting until the consistency is even.

6 Cups of Imagination.
When you have all the time in the world, some people will use it for sleeping, cleaning their house or writing that novel they always wanted to write, but with too much time, it becomes difficult to form any sort of structure in a day. You can cover it with a dishcloth and let it rise, but it will never get there if you’re trying too hard. Add in your imagination a little at a time and beat on a low setting until time and imagination are thoroughly mixed. Keep beating until the consistency is smooth.

1T of Money.
The world runs on money. Without it, we humans can’t really accomplish much. So, when you already have a lot of time and imagination, the way to truly drive someone up a tree, is to add only one tablespoon of money. Give them enough money to live on, but not enough to actually do anything fun or interesting, like going to all the museums they’ve always wanted to see or leave town. Add one tablespoon of money and continue beating at a low setting until the batter becomes consistent.

A Pinch of Reality.
If your mixture is too heavy with imagination, reality will balance it off nicely. If your batch is too light and airy, it won’t cook evenly. To make sure it’s consistent, add a pinch of reality to taste. When the mixture is right, it should be heavy like pancake batter and stick to the sides of the bowl.

A Dash of Discouragement.
Now that your time and imagination are thoroughly mixed with a little money and reality, add a dash of discouragement as needed. The mixture will contain a little bit of it naturally, but you might need to add more to taste. Send out a thousand resumes a week to no avail and add a crap economy to boot, and you won’t need to add much discouragement at all. Do not go overboard with the discouragement. A dash is all you need.

When you’ve mixed all the ingredients together, pour it into a low cake pan and bake at the lowest temperature for at least a month. Let it cool overnight. This recipe serves roughly 10% of the American labor force. You can add frosting it if you desire.

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