1. I hate broken promises. Promises are how humans show loyalty. They are what separate us from the rest of the animal kingdom. So, when you make a promise, keep it. If you don’t think you can absolutely keep your promise, barring any unforeseen circumstances like getting hit by a bus, don’t make one. It’s very simple.
2. I hate automated voice calls. If you call me, you should be a person, not a machine. Generally, the computer starts talking right when my voice mail picks up so that when I listen to the message, the important information like who the hell is calling and why, is cut off. I’ll only get to hear ” it’s important that you return this call,” followed by a click. Even if I did want to return this call, I wouldn’t know who to call anyway. This brings me to #3…
3. I hate that voice mail prompts are no longer just, “Hi, this is Bob, leave a message.” They’re not physical machines anymore and they store your messages out in space somewhere or under the sea. Non-tangible message recorders do eliminate the dreaded tangle of tape, but they don’t seem any more foolproof than an antiquated, physical answering machine and they’re way more time-consuming. Before I can even get to Bob’s personally recorded message, I am treated to a thousand different prompts like, “The number you have reached for ‘Bob’ is currently unavailable. To leave a message, stand on one foot and wait three years for us to tell you other things you can do besides leave a message by hitting various numbers on your keypad. If you’d like to send the message via satellite, press one, by goat through the mountains, press two, to send your message in a bottle, press three, or to delete the message you haven’t even left yet, press nine. When you’re finished recording, please hang up or press seven for other options. Leave your message at the tone. BEEP. ‘Hi, this is Bob, leave a message.'” By that time, I’ve forgotten why I even called Bob in the first place.
4. I hate when people leave their crap out on the street. It doesn’t matter whether you live in a house or an apartment, if you live in a city, you have trash pickup. Men come to your residence once a week and collect your useless junk. Trash men take away all the things you no longer want to deal with. It’s an excellent service of civilized society and it goes altogether unsung. If you have large items that you no longer want, you can even arrange a special pickup. So, please, have the courtesy not to leave the sofa that your aunt Edna bought in 1968 out on the street. I know you’re deluding yourself into thinking that maybe someone else wants it, but nobody wants that crap. Even if some poor, desperate soul does come around and collect it for firewood, it still doesn’t make it right. I don’t want to look at your ugly sofa any more than you do.
5. I hate people who try to skirt the universal law of first come, first served. There is a proper order to things. It’s how society functions. If you walk into an establishment and there are nine people there before you, you are officially number ten. You have to wait for nine people to handle their crap before you can. This goes both ways though. If you are number ten, you can’t be pushed back to number eleven just because some impatient douchebag can’t wait to get on with his own miserable life. You wouldn’t like it if someone did it to you, so don’t do it to others. Stop taking cuts, people. Wait your turn like everyone else.
6. I hate passive racism, sexism, classism and homophobia. Granted, blind hatred and stereotypical bigotry are never good traits to have, but at least be honest about it. Don’t say I’m not racist, sexist or homophobic and not mean it. Don’t hide behind “I have gay friends.” when what you really mean is there’s that one guy at work who you presumed to be gay when you exchanged a three-word sentence with him that one time when you were alone in the elevator. Stop the hate and stop hiding. There are a million different reasons to hate people individually. We don’t need more hate based on blanket assumptions, too. If you’re an asshole, be proud to be an asshole. It’s the American way. This goes doubly for politicians. Whatever they’re railing about the most, that’s what they’re into themselves.
7. I hate people who are busy texting/playing games/Facebooking or whatever else it is that people do with their idiotic phones when you’re trying to have a conversation with them. Yeah, I know, we all hear that beep or buzz or stupid Top 40 ringtone, and we’re all just dying to see who it is that contacted us and what they want. It’s human nature. “Someone contacted ME! I’m important and loved!” I know, I get it. Take the phone out of your pocket, look at who it is, and put it away. Or, if it’s really important, excuse yourself for a minute, handle your business and then come back to the conversation. Do not sit there texting someone else when you have someone sitting right in front of you trying to have a conversation. You can’t hide the fact that you’re texting because we all know what you are doing. It’s rude.
8. I hate the inevitable computer platform or cell phone provider debate over which is the best. You know why? Because they all fucking suck. Every single one of them doesn’t give two shits about you and your needs. They only want your money and they will all do the bare minimum necessary to get it. Nothing more, nothing less. Remember this the next time you have that conversation: THEY. ALL. SUCK.
9. I hate people who use the wrong words constantly. I had a boss who said “irregardless” all the time. That word makes me blind to the rest of your sentence. I’m sorry, but I cannot hear what you are trying to say because a word bomb has just exploded in my face and I’m in shell shock. I’m too busy suffering from PTSD to get your point and it is lost forever. It’s either “regardless” or “irrespective”, it’s NEVER irregardless. That word does not even exist. The same goes for people who use words that they think mean something else. Peruse doesn’t mean to casually flip through, it means to scrutinize something carefully. Nonplussed doesn’t mean that you’re indifferent. It means that you are so surprised that you are confused as to how to react. I am nonplussed every time someone says “irregardless”.
10. I hate summer. I’m not overly fond of the heat, but the real reason I hate summer is that people are forced to wear less clothing. The American public doesn’t look at all like they portray it on the television. It looks more like your Uncle Fred and Aunt Ethel. Fred and Ethel haven’t been what you would consider attractive for nigh on four decades. Fred has a hairy back and a beer belly, and Ethel has had one too many ice cream sandwiches in her day. When summer rolls around, Fred will parade around in a tank top and shorts, exposing his back hair and his white, spindly legs as they’re busy carting around the result of too many beers and heavy meals over too long a period. And Ethel will be wearing a shirt that is two sizes too tight, showing the world her back flab as it tries to escape from under her bra strap, and pants with a three-foot zipper to be able to cover the entirety of her rotund paunch. Seriously, people, I know it’s hot outside. I know we all have things that need to get done on a daily basis, but, please, buy a mirror and use it before you leave the house. I don’t want to see that.