If I were in charge of the world today, these would be the first of my many decrees.
It’s not about you.
If all you think about is yourself, you can think about yourself all day long in the middle of the desert where you will be dropped off (with a gallon of water – we’re not completely heartless).
Religion in government is banned.
The First Amendment is now enforced. There will be a firm wall between church and state again. If you receive public funding, you have to use it for the benefit of all. If you are a public official, you are not allowed to utter words having to do with religion in a statement relating to your office, outside of legislative necessity, such as a campaign speech. If you do, you will lose your public funding.
All religions will be removed from public land, “In God We Trust” will be removed from all currency, the words “Under God” will be removed from the Pledge of Allegiance and don’t even think about putting religion anywhere near public schools.
News has to be actual news.
If there are a couple of wars going on or if there’s an oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, that will be the top news story for as long as it takes to resolve it, not Mel Gibson’s insane recordings. And all news will be unbiased under penalty of law (in other words, death).
Handle your shit.
If you make a mess, clean it up. This applies to everything from public restrooms to financial catastrophes and oil spills. If your fuck up is big enough and you don’t clean up your mess, the world will fuck you up. Everyone who was effected by your fuck up will be given a rock to throw at you. Everyone. Yes, stoning is now legal again for the really vile assholes who deserve it. And we’re not paying for your health care should you manage to survive.
Consenting adults can marry anyone they want.
Regardless of gender, color or creed, every consenting adult human can get married, and get a tax credit and health insurance.
There will be Battle Royales.
For the good of the public, anyone who makes really stupid decisions on a regular basis can be nominated for a new reality show. Anyone can be nominated, but there has to be proof of repeated stupidity to get on the show, e.g. anyone who has ever been arrested on the show COPS, as judged by an independent and random jury of their peers. If you have enough votes and the jury deems you sufficiently idiotic, you will get on the show where you have to fight to the death with wits and weapons. The last man standing wins the prize of getting to compete again.
Sissy emo boys will no longer be tolerated.
If you are a supposedly heterosexual dude and you’re girlier than me, if your name sounds like a French pastry, if you’ve ever sung in a boy band, if your 90 year-old grandfather has more testosterone than you, if I can beat you up (and I’m a girl), you have to die. Sorry. Those are the rules. I don’t make them up. OK, in this case, I actually did, but it’s still a good rule.