Three Conversations

Conversation 1
Goldfish: So, if I were to die and had an open casket funeral, would you try to undo my bra strap while I lay there defenseless, therefore making me uncomfortable for all eternity?

Friend 1: In a heartbeat.

Goldfish: I knew it! I’m getting cremated… Try to undo that one, brotha!

Conversation 2
Goldfish: I would like to spork someone in the jugular right now. Good thing there are no sporks on the premises because we all know how much rage it would take to actually penetrate someone’s jugular with a spork.


Friend 2: Dude, it would take a shit load of rage to break through the skin with those little plastic prongs. Once you got past that, I bet it wouldn’t be too hard to do some serious damage with that half-spoon, half-fork.

Goldfish: I think I have enough rage to try. I bet I could at least make prong wounds in someone’s neck even if I can’t make it all the way to the jugular. It’d be nice to make someone gush blood using only a spork and animalistic rage.

Conversation 3
Friend 3: You should get some cat poison or something.

Goldfish: You need it more than I do.

Friend 3: No, I mean for your backyard since the neighborhood cats are peeing on your strawberries.

Goldfish: Oh, yeah, cat pee strawberries don’t sound very appetizing.

Friend 4 (to Friend 3): Cat Pee Strawberries sounds like someone you’d date.

Friend 3: She only called herself that when she was off her meds.