On Dolphins & Instagram

It’s Friday afternoon, which means I’m bored and unmotivated as mandated by law, but I don’t feel like writing anything. The next best thing to writing is drawing, but what?

I was stumped until I saw this thing on Redbubble:

Screen Shot 2016-01-15 at 2.42.44 PMIntriguing. Who can resist a challenge? I can write things in less than 15 minutes, but drawing things with a time constraint is much harder. So hard, in fact, that I’ve never tried it.

The challenge is as follows.

On our artist-centric Instagram hub @RedbubbleCreate, we put out a call to our artists to show us what kind of amazing artwork they can create in just 15 minutes. It’s called #RBquickdraw, an exercise in creativity and spontaneity. Hold off on that eraser and don’t overthink it—just let the doodling flow! This week’s theme is “ocean,” and it’s the first of many quick draw challenges that will take place across Redbubble’s social community in 2016.

Alright then. An ocean theme. I can do ocean. There are plenty of ocean critters I haven’t drawn yet, like a dolphin, for example. Let’s do this.

Fifteen minutes later, this is what I had…

Screen Shot 2016-01-15 at 11.05.12 AMMy fifteen minute drawing is actually a fifteen minute drawing, unlike a lot of the drawings posted under the #RBquickdraw Instagram tag. Obviously, I’m not the fastest artist around, but there’s absolutely no way some of those drawings were completed in fifteen minutes unless these people have time-slowing devices or a very liberal definition of fifteen.

Anyway, my dolphin was hardly complete, but dolphiny enough for a go. I decided to post it on Instagram as the challenge required, but wait, I don’t have an Instagram account.

Well, that can be remedied easily enough. I navigated over to Instagram on my computer. Well, you can’t sign up on a computer. You need a phone. As it happens, I have one of those, so I signed up on my phone.

Screen Shot 2016-01-15 at 4.04.06 PMThe next challenge was getting that dolphin screenshot you see there that I took with my computer, where I drew the dolphin, onto Instagram through my phone. Goats forbid that you should be able to post something to the internet without a phone. Phones are the only technology you can ever take a picture with. So implyeth Instagram.

You can’t do jack squat on Instagram with a desktop. I don’t even know why you can go to Instagram.com on a desktop since there is nothing you can do there through a browser. You need a phone.

I did what I always do when I want to transfer something from my desktop to my phone or vice versa; I emailed it to myself. Not the most high-tech solution, but the one I’ve found to be the easiest.

I opened the dolphin drawing up in my phone email thinking that would save it into my image library, which it usually does, but Instagram refused to see it.

So, then I took a screenshot of the screenshot that I had emailed myself. This is getting re-motherfucking-diculous. I should have taken a screenshot of me taking a screenshot of a screenshot.

Finally, I was able to add it to Instagram… except that everything on Instagram is turned into a square for no earthly reason, and since I drew my dolphin vertically, he now looked truncated as all hell…

Screen Shot 2016-01-15 at 11.34.40 AM

What the ever lovin’ holy goat lord is that useless garbage? For serious?

I find it spitefully ironic that a digital art retailer would host a drawing challenge on a digital media platform where it is so difficult for a digital artist to participate. And that’s when I said FUCK INSTAGRAM and posted it on Twitter instead.

The end.

P.S. go buy a dolphin since after all that aggravation, I did finally finish him. It took me a little longer than 15 minutes, but not as long as it took me to figure out how to post shit on Instagram without using a phone, so it still counts.

For the record, he’s much happier than I am.

P.P.S. Am I a big dummy for not figuring out the Instantgramz? Am I missing something? If you’d like to see all my nonexistent Instagram pictures, go ahead and friend me here.