7 Things I Would Do If I Was Filthy Rich


I don’t mean wealthy like the owner of my company, but filthy, stinking, mega, more money than sense kind of rich–the kind of rich where you’re looking for places to store all your money because it costs money to have it. If I had Bill Gates or Walton family (the Walmart assholes) kind of money, instead of shuffling it off to hidden, tax-free, overseas bank accounts, these are some things I would do with it.

1. Buy a private island.

This is really the only terribly selfish thing on this list, because you have to do one thing that’s terribly selfish if you’re stinking, filthy rich, right? Believe it or not, there are several websites that cater to people who want to buy private islands. I could buy one for cheap, even in the United States:


But since I’m filthy, mega rich now, I think I’ll spring for something a little nicer, like this one:


That’s better and still a bargain at only $7.6M. Of course, I need a nice boat and plane to commute, too.

2. Start a foundation.

My foundation would give money to causes I support (duh). It would further human rights, equality, education, critical thinking, scientific discovery, and freedom for everyone (except convicted pedophiles, rapists, domestic abusers and first-degree murderers, because fuck them).

Unlike the Walton heirs who give zero fucks and zero money to charities (or their employees), including practically bupkis to their own damn foundation, I would give the bulk of my money away. I’d make even Bill Gates look stingy.

Yet another reason to never shop at Wal-mart.
Yet another reason to never shop at Walmart.

Yeah, I know it’s easy to say that now with nary a comma in my bank account, but really, I would give most of it away since I’m so used to not having any anyway. Obviously, I would make sure that I had enough to maintain my private island and live comfortably for the rest of my life, but after that, I’d give the rest of it away, but only to charities I like.

Susan J. Komen would get zero (in fact, I might find a way to take money from them to give to worthy charities), while the American Civil Liberties Union, Human Rights Watch and Planned Parenthood would get great gooey gobs of dough.

3. Start my own Super-PAC.

I apologize for all the swearing in the next few paragraphs, but I’m afraid I can’t talk about Citizens United without $(#^!@%$.

Why should the Koch brothers (I pronounce it Cock brothers) be the only filthy rich shitfucks to meddle in American politics? I could be a filthy rich, meddling shitfuck, too. Unlike so many douchebags whose politics switch from left to right when they get more than two dollars to rub together, mine would stay the same. Remember, I’m the ideological asshole who’s giving most of my fortune away, so the odds of me staying grounded are pretty good.

Anyway, my Super-PAC wouldn’t try to influence people politically, because that’s wrong. Its purpose would be to prove the ridiculousness of Citizens United. My Super-PAC would follow the Cock brothers and other right-wing shitheel PACs around, and dispute everything they say. My PAC would be the wild hair up their asscracks that keeps them up at night. It will be great fun exposing them for the supreme meddling asswipes they are. BWAHAHAHA.

4. Buy a media empire.

Like Rupert Murdoch but unbiased, I would have my own media empire. Unlike Murdoch, I would make sure that all of my media outlets actually present “fair and balanced” news. No joke. I would hire the best investigative journalists that money could buy and actually investigate things journalistically. All of my information would be triple checked and verified before it went live. My media empire would not be twenty-four hour talking heads, but would only deliver the news when there was some to deliver. I would bring journalism back.

5. Buy a space program.

Right now, in 2014, if I had $250,000, I could go up into space for 15 minutes. For $30 million, I could spend a week on the international space station, but why stop there? I’m bringin’ NASA back, folks.

In 1966, the NASA budget was at its absolute highest at 4.41% of the national budget. I’m matching that. Forever. We’re bringing the manned space program back. We’re giving all children the dream of being an astronaut again, dammit. Frontiers will be explored, discoveries discovered, pictures of far off worlds will be marveled at, and there will be heroes again.

6. Buy all the coal in the world.

You may rightly wonder what the hell I would want with all the coal in the world. Well, it’s not so much that I want all the coal; it’s that I don’t want it to be burned.

If we don’t drastically reduce our pollution levels in the next thirty years, the world is in for a really rough ride. There will be drought, famine, climate change, and it will all be our fault. No more denying it, folks. We broke the earth. It’s time to fix it.

Since the G8 started, Europe and North America have reduced their pollution levels by quite a bit, but even if we reduce emissions to zero, it doesn’t do a damn bit of good if developing countries are out there partying like it’s 1799 by burning fossil fuels and coal willy-nilly. That’s why I’m buying it all. Without a supply, people will stop using it.

I’m stealing all the coal, but don’t worry. I’m going to give sustainable energy sources instead. Solar and wind power for everyone!

What am I going to do with all the coal? Well, I don’t know. I’ll lock it up somewhere or shoot it into space. I might put it in your stocking if you’re naughty.

7. Subsidize an education for everyone.

Education costs have gotten out of hand. Fresh graduates shouldn’t start off with crippling debt. Student loans could force someone into the private sector, when they really want to work public, just to pay off education debt. That’s wrong.

Education shouldn’t be something you go into debt over. It should be available to everyone. As much as I respect Malala Yousafzai, I would like her to be superfluous. She should be looked at fondly as a pioneer in a battle that was won long ago.

All people in the world, regardless of gender, ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion, or whatever other dumbass reason people hate each other, will be entitled to four years of college or trade school where they can earn the degree of their choice (except the rich–they can pay for their own). That includes hands-on trades like mechanics and engineering. Bonus points for majoring in STEM (Science Technology Engineering Mathematics), especially for girls. Someone’s got to head up my new NASA Program.

What would you spend your money on?