Supreme Court: Now Accepting Tips

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Yesterday, the Supreme Court of the United States of America struck down another part of forty-year old campaign finance reform designed to prevent corruption. If you are a person or a corporation–actually, they’re synonymous to the Supreme Court–you are now welcome to donate as much as you’d like to any candidate or party. On Tuesday, you could only donate an aggregate limit of $123,000 per year. As of Wednesday, there is no limit.

Unfortunately, they left the cap on donating to individual candidates in place, but we expect that will be struck down any day now, since Justice Clarence Thomas said that he would like to abolish all limits on campaign contributions. For now, you’re welcome to donate your entire fortune to a bunch of different candidates or the party of your choice. If you’ve maxed out donations on candidates in your area, you’re welcome to meddle with the rest of the country.

The good news for poor people is that, well, this doesn’t really apply to you. You can go on with your sad little lives eating ramen noodles, taking the bus or whatever it is you poor people do with your spare time. You’ll never be able to buy a candidate anyway, so this decision doesn’t matter to you. Go have more babies to collect more welfare and drain the public coffers dry since you don’t have to worry about politics anymore. You’ll have more time to watch daytime television. Rich people will take care of politics for you! Isn’t that nice?

poor-peopleBack to the rich people, as Fred Wertheimer from Democracy 21 said, “The court is in the process of creating a new class of American political oligarchs and that is coming at the expense of the voices and interests of more than 300 million Americans.” So, yeah, good news! With enough money, you can be an oligarch!

It’s about damn time, too. This whole “every vote counts the same” thing that we’ve been masquerading as democracy for decades is clearly a sham. It’s quite obvious that not everyone’s vote should have the same weight. Why should poor people, who can’t even afford a car, have the same say as you, who can afford a country? That’s just silly talk. Our founding fathers were rich old white men, too, so obviously they didn’t mean equal rights for everyone, but equal rights for those who can afford it. Money should be able to buy everything and now it can.

Richard Hasen, a law professor at University of California, explained, “More money will be flowing into the system from big donors to influence outcomes, increasing the potential for corruption, but with party leaders able to raise huge sums, that will also increase their leverage with the rank and file members of Congress.”

Rich people, you can finally put all that dusty old money sitting in offshore bank accounts to use by buying elections. If you’re confused as to where to throw all that money now, have no fear. A man who claims he invented BitCoin, Rand Bachmann, announced this morning that he is working on a website with profiles of all the candidates you can buy. It will be set up much like a dating site. If you don’t like a particular candidate’s viewpoint, you’re welcome to try to bribe him or her (“her”–women in politics? Ha!). Look for in the near future.


It’s completely legal! No more anonymously filtering backroom bribes through 501(c)s to buy politicians! Now, you can proudly display your bribes in public. Oh, but remember, it’s not a bribe; it’s a campaign contribution, and the best part is, it’s completely tax deductible! Buy a politician, get a tax break, too. Goddamn, this is one hell of a country! God bless America!

Unfortunately, for extremely rich people, joint fundraising committees can be used by federal officeholders to solicit huge contributions from individual donors. Since there’s no limit anymore, this means that you no longer have a polite way to turn down offers to attend political fund-raisers by saying, “I’m sorry, I’ve already reached my $123,000 limit.” You’re going to have to come up with another excuse not to choke down another canapé with too dry champagne while listening to boring speeches from people you bought into office. How about “I have to wash my private jet that night”? I’m sure you’ll come up with some excuse. After all, you’re obviously mega-smart because you’re mega-rich.

In other news, the Supreme Court announced that they’ll be renting out space on their robes for advertising. If you’d like to sponsor a Supreme Court Justice, please contact for ad size and location options. We expect that certain Justices will oppose renting out space, but they’re the minority, so screw them.

Here’s what your Supreme Court could look like:

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Image from

You better hurry! Space is limited. You don’t want to get stuck on Scalia’s butt!