Crabby Fish

Some of my fellow Team Tiny Pepper members (Go NanoPoblano!) have been ruminating on astrological signs. Since I’ve never been very creative, I thought I’d take a stab at mine, too. I am feeling pretty stabby at the moment.

First, let me say, that I don’t believe in astrology. I don’t trust some really old dead dudes to categorize all of the people who ever have and ever will exist on this planet into only twelve categories. People are way more complex than 1 in 12.

“But, Fish, it depends on your rising sigh!” you yell at me for no discernible reason. Some of you get pretty sensitive about this stuff. No offense intended.

“That may well be true,” I counter, “But I have no idea what my rising sign is, nor to be perfectly honest, any idea what that even means.” I could make something up, but then some of you would just yell at me again, so for the purposes of this post, we’re going with Cancer since my birthday falls in that date range.

“But, Fish, it sounds like you’ve already made your mind up!” you yell at me again. No, dear reader, I intend to do a scientific study of this. I’m going to keep my mind open and see what’s what since I’ve never really explored my sign before.

We will explore astrology with science! Wait, that sounds wrong. We will explore science with a poll! That’s not right either. We will scientifically explore astrology with a poll!

I’ve taken the liberty of creating a scale for each of the statements from very inaccurate to very accurate and I will score accordingly.

I am a crab. Let’s find out what that means.

Here I am leisurely walking on water like it ain't no thing. Do dee do.
Here I am leisurely walking on water like it ain’t no thing. Do dee do.
Image from

According to the wikipedia, my most trusted source on all things astrology, traits of the Cancer include:

Cancer (♋) is an astrological sign, which is associated with the constellation Cancer. It spans the 90-120th degree of the zodiac, between 90 and 125.25 degree of celestial longitude. Under the tropical zodiac, the Sun transits this area on average between June 22 to July 22, and under the sidereal zodiac, the Sun transits this area between approximately July 16 and August 15.

Dude. What does that even mean? Wikipedia doesn’t give me any traits at all, just some sciencey gobbledygook. Crap. Now I have to find a real astrology site. Sigh. We’ve already gone off the rails of science here and I haven’t even started yet.

This site has a lot of information, or at least it has a lot of words, and since most of the search results I’m getting seem to be about cancer the disease, not cancer the astrology, we’ll use it. Besides, it’s called, so they must know something.

Cancer Sun Sign

June 22 – July 22

Cancer, the fourth sign of the zodiac, is all about home. Those born under this sign are ‘roots’ kinds of people, and take great pleasure in the comforts of home and family.

I am rather a homebody. So far, so good.

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Cancers are maternal, domestic and love to nurture others.

Nope, no, no again.

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More than likely, their family will be large, too — the more, the merrier!

NO!! That’s not right at all.

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Cancers will certainly be merry if their home life is serene and harmonious. Traditions are upheld with great zest in a Cancer’s household, since these folks prize family history and love communal activities.

That’s the second time they used “merry.” What the hell is a communal activity?

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They also tend to be patriotic, waving the flag whenever possible.

Really? Is this a joke?

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A Cancer’s good memory is the basis for stories told around the dinner table,

BWAHAHAHA. Me with a good memory. This is funny stuff.

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and don’t be surprised if these folks get emotional about things. Those born under this sign wear their heart on their sleeve, which is just fine by them.

Um, no, not at all. I actually wear my heart on the inside where it belongs.

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The mascot of Cancer is the Crab, and much like this shelled little critter, Cancers are quick to retreat into their shells if it suits their mood. No wonder these folks are called crabby! For Cancer, it’s not that big of a deal, though, since they consider this ‘shell’ a second home (and they do love home). The flip side of this hiding is that shell-bound Crabs are often quite moody. Further, in keeping with their difficulty in sharing their innermost feelings, it can become a Herculean task to pry a Crab out of its secret hiding place. What to do? Give the Crab time — eventually these folks will come out to play again.

That’s pretty much spot on.

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When they do, they’ll be the first to say so, in keeping with the Cardinal Quality attached to this sign. It’s said that Crabs are first to laugh and first to cry, so you can bet they’ll fill you in.

Not so much.

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That shell, by the way, isn’t the only tough thing about Crabs. These folks are tenacious and strong-willed and like to get their way.


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If their well-documented kindness and gentleness doesn’t do the trick, however, they’re not above using emotional manipulation to make things happen. If that still doesn’t work, they’ll just go back to their shell and sulk, or find a way to get back at the source of their pain, since Crabs can be rather vindictive. That said, any self-respecting Crab would tell you that they are ultimately motivated by protecting their home and loved ones, a most noble goal.

No, not right. I am definitely not emotionally manipulative.

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Cancers are ruled by the Moon — the Great Mother of the heavens in ancient times. Here on Earth, this is manifested in the Crab’s maternal instincts and desire to protect home and hearth.

“Maternal” again. And again, it’s wrong.

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This may appear smothering at times, but that’s the Crab for you. The Moon is associated with fertility, too, a quality that is most pleasing to Cancers.

Fertility is pleasing? More like terrifying.

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The Moon is also the ruler of moods, and Cancers have plenty of those. These folks can cry you a river if they’re so inclined, and they usually are. They can be overly sensitive, easily hurt and prone to brooding.


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Even so, Crabs find it easy to be sympathetic to others and are quick to show their affection. Their intuition is also a great help to them, especially in times of stress.

Sort of true and sort of not.

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The element associated with Cancer is Water. Like the rolling waves of the sea, the Crab’s emotions can make quite a splash. These folks tend to pick up on things and bring them in, with the outward result ranging from sentimentality to possessiveness.

There are so many bad metaphors in that I’m not even sure what it means.

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Crabs need to resist the temptation to become selfish or to feel sorry for themselves, since this behavior won’t help.

That’s true. Although, I’m kind of the opposite of selfish.

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On the bright side, Cancers are good with money (although some consider them too thrifty), probably because they value a sense of security.

True. I am rather thrifty.

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Crabs are also quick to help others


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and tend to avoid confrontation.

Nope. Not at all. I’m as direct as they come.

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In keeping with their nurturing bent, those born under this sign are a whiz with food. A hearty picnic in the park is heaven-on-earth to most Crabs.

Um, I can cook, but I’m not really a whiz with food, whatever that means.

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Cancers often find that a robust workout session is just the tonic for their touchy feelings.

I’m not touchy, dammit!

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Team sports are always nice, since they offer a sense of community; water polo should be elemental to aquatic Crabs.

Nope. I’ve never been a good team player.

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What are their team colors? The Moon is silver and white.

Ok, but what the hell does that have to do with anything?

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Since Cancers have a tendency to be lazy, however, they may need someone to push them out the door.

Ding ding ding! We have a winner!

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When it comes to the game of love, eager Crabs are devoted, romantic and able to get things going on their own.

Bah humbug.

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Crabs are wise to listen to their gut, since this sign rules the stomach.

I am hungry.

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The great strength of the Cancer-born is the tenacity with which they protect their loved ones. These folks don’t ask for much, either: a comfortable home and sense of peace about sums it up.

Pretty true. I have very low expectations.

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It’s that nurturing instinct which makes Cancers a pleasure to be with.

Again with the nurturing! You really suck at this,

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Averaged up, with 1 being very inaccurate and 5 being very accurate, the score for accuracy I’ve rated is 2.55. That’s just a hair (or .05) in the accurate direction and hardly conclusive.

I was planning to get a second opinion from another website, but the first one was painful enough. I will say that some of those things are spot on, while others couldn’t be farther from who I am.

I bet if I read the other signs, I would find some things that perfectly describe me and other things that don’t apply to me at all, too. You know why? It’s too damn generalized and you can’t possibly categorize every human who has ever lived into one of twelve categories.

To conclude the scientific experiment, let’s find out what my horoscope was for yesterday and see if it came true. From the same site:

A colleague — or maybe your boss — raises a stink about something meaningful to you. They may even be on your side, but you still need to treat the situation with great delicacy.

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I do think my symbol is pretty neat though. I’m not sure what it has to do with a crab or cancer, but it kind of looks like an infinity or yin/yang symbol to me:

Cancer zodiak sign. Also at Unicode U+264B (♋).
Cancer zodiak sign. Also at Unicode U+264B (♋). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)