Jealous Again

I recently realized that, in addition to the sadness I feel that Male is now out of state at law school, I’m jealous of that opportunity. For the next three years, his job is to go to law school. That’s it.

I have never had much by way of opportunity. Well, that’s not true. I had opportunities; I was just too young and dumb to take them. I was offered full scholarships to excellent universities, but I was an idiot and turned them down to become a homeless crackhead prostitute. As Toshiro Mifune would say, baka.


Yes, Toshiro, you’re right. I was an idiot. I threw away a free Ivy League education only to nearly destroy myself and end up in community college that I paid for out of my pocket while I worked a full-time job a few years later. That is my biggest regret. If I could go back and change one thing, I would take the free Cornell University education when it was offered to me. Had I done that, everything would be different though. I wouldn’t be a goldfish, so it’s probably for the best that I don’t have the ability to do that.

On my 21st birthday, the year I officially became old enough to drink, I worked from 9am to 6pm and then ran over to community college and went to class from 6pm to 10pm. By the time 10pm rolled around, I was too exhausted to do anything. (Huh, I just realized that places my head injury after I turned 21. I always thought I was 19 or 20. The more you know…)

Anyway, I didn’t take the education when it was offered and I’ve been kicking myself in the butt for it ever since. Some of you may be shouting, but it’s not too late! You could do that now! If Male can take three years off and live on student loans in an insanely cheap state, so can you!

Yes, it’s true. I could move to someplace with an inexpensive cost of living, take out student loans and go to school, but it’s not that easy for me.

First, I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. If I had even an inkling of an idea as to what type of program I’d be interested in, I might have a college degree by now, but I haven’t the first clue. I never did. Even before I had to drop out of school due to goldfishism, I hadn’t a clue what I wanted to do with my life.

Second, I’ve been working a full-time job to support myself since I was fifteen years old with the exception of the year I took off to become a crackwhore. I have been working longer than I haven’t been working. I’m not sure I could just take time off to go to school. I would probably be a stress-monkey the whole time about the debt I was incurring.

Third, I haven’t been in school since I was clobbered over the head and became a goldfish. I’m not sure that my brain could actually process that much new information. It might be a total waste of time and money.

Convenient excuses, you say. And you’re right; they are all just excuses. But that last one has become a sort of phobia. I’m terrified of going back to school. Right after the accident, since I paid for an entire semester of classes and it was too late to get a refund, I tried to go to school. I went to one lecture. I panicked about twenty minutes in when I had no idea where I was or what I was doing there. It was terrifying. I ran out of the class in tears and couldn’t find my car. I sat on a bench, sobbing for a while.

So, yeah, since that day, the thought of school is pretty terrifying to me. I keep telling myself that I’ll get there eventually. I will take the placement tests and fill out my financial aid forms and go to school, but I haven’t done it. Three years in a row now, I have filled out my Federal Student Aid forms. Three years in a row, they have expired before I used them.

When Male was studying for the LSAT, the test you take to get into law school, I was studying math for the placement test. He took the LSAT, got into college and is now going to one. I still haven’t taken the placement test. I tell myself, well, if I had Male’s opportunity, I would do it, but I haven’t done anything to make that opportunity happen for myself. I haven’t even been studying lately.

I’m tired of crappy, low paying jobs. I am an Art Director. I should be making more. I should be making enough to pay all my bills, afford health insurance, put some money away and attend school, but I don’t. I don’t make enough to even cover all my bills some months. Yet, instead of conquering my phobia, I just let it slide by again and again, year after year. At this rate, I’ll be 70 by the time I get an associate degree.

It’s time to shit or get off the pot. I’m going to aim for fall. As soon as I’m moved into my new home, I’m going to start studying again. It’s time to stop letting fear get the better of me. I don’t want Toshiro to call me a baka again.

The title of this post is a reference to a Black Flag song. Bonus points for people who had that song bouncing around in their head when they saw it, because I certainly did.