10 History Crushes: Military & World Leaders Edition!

Yesterday, I presented 10 fine specimens of scientific prowess for your perusal. Today, we’re showing off military men and world leaders. As an extra thrill, I’ve added a poll at the bottom where you can vote for your favorite. I also added one to the scientist post from yesterday, so go vote for your favorite there, too. Democracy wins!

Without further ado, here are ten amazing statesman and soldiers…

10. Abraham Lincoln


Who is he?

16th President of the United States, signer of the Emancipation Proclamation, leader of the Union during the American Civil War, orator, statesman, and general asskicker.

Why is he on the list?

Abe is certainly not the most physically attractive specimen on the list, but his other features make up for it. Lincoln was incredibly smart and a badass, which counts for a lot. Also, he was tall, which is nice.

9. Okubo Toshimichi (大久保利通)


Who is he?

Statesman, real samurai, and one of the three great nobles who led the Meiji Restoration, which led to the emergence of Japan as a modernized nation in the early twentieth century. This man is ultimately responsible for everything you know about Japan. Before him, Nippon was a closed country like North Korea. He brought you sushi and tentacle porn.

Why is he on the list?

I have a huge crush on Toshiro Mifune and this guy looks like Toshiro’s softer, gentler brother. Plus, those chops are insanely awesome. They need their own zip code!

And now, purely for comparison’s sake, of course, and certainly not out of any crushiness I may have on Toshiro Mifune, here’s a picture of Toshiro Mifune:

Mmmm Toshiro.

8. Louis Napoléon


Who is he?

He was the great-great-great grandnephew of Napoléon Bonaparte, Prince Imperial, and only child of Emperor Napoléon III of France. He died at the age of 23 while serving in the British Army, thereby crushing any hopes of restoring the Napoléon name to the throne of France after his father was overthrown in 1870.

Why is he on the list?

Swagger! Even as a kid, he had it. Here’s a picture of him as a little boy swaggerin’ it up to all hell:


7. Louis Mountbatten

Who is he?

Prince Louis of Battenberg, Louis Francis Albert Victor Nicholas Mountbatten, 1st Earl Mountbatten of Burma, second cousin once removed to Elizabeth II. He was known informally as Lord Mountbatten. Louis was a British statesman and Admiral of the Fleet. Other titles he held: Viceroy of India, Governor-General of the independent Union of India, First Sea Lord, Chief of the Defence Staff, and Chairman of the NATO Military Committee.

Why is he on the list?

He was an official Sea Lord. How rad is that? Even when he was older, he was still hot. Here he is trying to tear your clothes off using only his eyes and his royal sense of duty:

Hello, ladies.

6. Theodore Roosevelt


Who is he?

26th President of the United States, explorer, hunter, soldier, writer, historian, rancher, conservationist, and supreme badass who once wrestled a bear with his bare hands (citation needed). He attended Harvard University while simultaneously pursuing a law degree. Roosevelt won the Nobel Peace Prize for his part in ending the Russo-Japanese War. If there was something to be accomplished, Teddy darn well was going to accomplish it.

Why is he on the list?

Teddy was a stone cold fox as a young one. I love this picture, too:


5. Tzar Nicholas II


Who is he?

Nikolay Alexandrovich Romanov, the last Emperor of Russia, Grand Duke of Finland, and titular King of Poland. His official title was Nicholas II, Emperor and Autocrat of All the Russias. Poor Nick got the short end of the stick as he was forced to abdicate his throne by the Russian Revolution, effectively ending imperial rule in Russia forever. He was the last Romanov to ever sit on the throne.

Why is he on the list?

After he abdicated, I wouldn’t have minded putting him up in my spare bedroom for a while. That mustache is swell.

4. Ivan Sidorenko


Who is he?

Major Ivan was a Red Army officer who served during World War II. He was one of the top Soviet snipers in the war, with over five hundred confirmed kills, one tank, and three tractors. Yes, Ivan killed a tank and three tractors with a rifle. He was so valuable that the Red Army didn’t want him getting killed, so the higher-ups pulled him from active duty and made him train other snipers.

To prove that he’s really a nice guy and not a cold-blooded killer, Ivan put down his rifle for us. Oh, and he told me to tell you that he would have had way more confirmed kills had he not become a teacher. What a nice guy.

Why is he on the list?

Ain’t nothin’ hotter than a man who knows how to use a rifle well. Besides, just look at himmmmmmmmmm.

And his Finnish foe, nicknamed White Death, wasn’t bad either:


3. Carl Gustaf Emil Mannerheim

Mannerheim (right) with a fellow student, Antanas Ričardas Druvė in Nicholas Cavalry School, St Petersburg, late 1880s. Image from wiki.

Who is he?

That’s him on the right. Without Mannerheim, Finland, the country, would probably not exist. He was the general of Finnish troops during WWII, fending off the invading Soviet Union. Here’s an idea of what he was up against in the Winter War:

Why is he on the list?

Ain’t nobody can say Mannerheim wasn’t badass. Ain’t nobody.

2. Ulysses S. Grant


Who is he?

18th President of the United States following his highly successful role as Union General in the American Civil War. Under Grant, the Union Army defeated the Confederate military. In March 1864, a grateful Abraham Lincoln appointed Grant commander of all the U.S. armies. Arguably, Grant was the best General in the history of the United States military.

During his two terms as President, Grant worked hard to bring the North and the South together again, contending with an emerging white supremacist group called the Ku Klux Klan, and violent uprisings against blacks and Republicans. He met with Native American leaders, including Red Cloud, trying to develop a peace policy in the West.

Why is he on the list?

Before he got old and fuddy-duddy, Grant was really quite good-looking. He was an all around good guy, modest and incredibly capable. Grant was as skilled as they come.

The American Civil War produced some real hotties, like Grant and…

1. William Tecumseh Sherman


Who is he?

General in the Union Army during the American Civil War who is often called the first modern general. When Grant assumed the U.S. presidency in 1869, Sherman succeeded him as Commanding General of the Army.

Holy hell, was Sherman a hot mess, which just makes me love him all the more. Had it not been for the American Civil War, no one would ever know his name. He was a complete failure in his personal life with businesses that left him flat broke. But, in war, he was unstoppable. Like Grant, Sherman was a brilliant military strategist. While Grant was a more about battle supremacy, Sherman said, fuck it, let’s set everything on fire. Fire is a perfectly acceptable military strategy, right?

Why is he on the list?

I have a mad obsessive crush on this man. In addition to being a military badass, Sherman was also more than a little crazy and quite the handsome devil. If I had to pick any old dead dude to reincarnalate*, it would be Sherman. Look at the crazy in that man’s eyes. Mm-mm.

*I just made that word up. Reincarnalate: to bring someone back from the dead in order to sex them.

And because he’s my favorite, here’s another:

Whatcha got in there, Cump?

He’s mine. Go get your own…