Dear Goldfish Part 17

Hello, Internet. Welcome back to Dear Goldfish, the (quasi-) weekly series where I answer real questions asked by our studio audience, in other words, you. The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines with no editing or censoring.

Dear Goldfish,
what does welcome to the fishbowl mean?

Really? I always thought it was fairly self-explanatory. Well, on this blog, I am a fish. Fish live in fishbowls. Fishbowl can also mean a lack of privacy, as in “The house made entirely of glass was like living in a fishbowl and also not great for throwing stones inside of.”  Since I tend to share private things with you, the internet, I am sort of giving up a little privacy, hence welcome to the fishbowl. Capish?

Dear Goldfish,
john lubbock quote?

Hm. This is a new one. I wrote a post a while back about the oldest thing I own, which happens to be a book written by John Lubbock. In the two years since I wrote that post, I haven’t seen a single search result regarding it before. Anyway, here’s your quote:

“Not only does a library contain infinite riches in a little room, but we may sit at home and yet be in all quarters of the earth.”

Dear Goldfish,
is north america closer to australia than africa?

Wait, are you asking if North America is closer to Australia than Africa is? Or do you mean to ask which is closer to North America, Australia or Africa? They’re both excellent questions for which I don’t have answers. Let’s ask the internet… The internet is failing with specifics and insists on putting the dots in the middle of the country/continent in question, so the best I can do is three faulty measurements.

Not counting Hawaii, (for some unknown bloody reason) the distance from (the middle of) Australia to (the middle of) The United States is 9,445.77 miles or 15,201.49 kilometers, (because everyone knows goddamn Lebanon, Kansas is where all international flights take off and land in the US):

The distance from (the middle of) Australia to (a randomly selected area in Tanzania which isn’t even the middle of the continent of) Africa is 6,537.64 miles or 10,521.31 kilometers:

The distance from (the massive international terminal that surely must exist in Lebanon, Kansas in) The US to (nearly the other damn side of) Africa is 8,781.37 miles or 14,132.24 kilometers:

Obviously, the distance from Florida to Western Sahara isn’t any shorter than Lebanon, fucking Kansas to some random spot in goddamn Tanzania that doesn’t even have a label. That’s just crazy talk. Additionally, I like how each of the screen shots says Australia to United States regardless of where the little dots and lines go. Zere vill be order! Weeeeeeee!

The internet says that we learned something today (I have my doubts).

Dear Goldfish,
funny sushi?

Sushi isn’t really known for its sense of humor. It’s more well known for being goddamn delicious. Also, expensive to the point where I can’t enjoy it as much as I’d like. If you meant funny in the strange not haha way, well, I’d stay away from funny sushi. Sushi is served raw, so if you sense anything funny about it, stay away.

Dear Goldfish,
can you see the milky way in bancroft, on?

Wait until its dark. Go outside. Look up. You’ll see the Milky Way galaxy. We’re inside of it. No matter where you go, there it is. If you mean the galactic center, Sagittarius, which is actually more of a cluster than the true center from our vantage point, well, you need to be out on a dark night with little pollution to see it. A telescope could help.

A fish-eye mosaic of the Milky Way arching at a high inclination across the night sky, shot from a dark sky location in Chile from the wiki. Not seen in Los Angeles.

Dear Goldfish,
its nice if he could just understand me for once?

Yes, I’m sure it would be. Have you tried making yourself clearer? Are you sure that you’re speaking English? Is he? Wait, when did I start giving interpersonal advice? Screw that. This ain’t Dear Abby.

Dear Goldfish,
bandaid pillow?

Um, why exactly? And why would that lead you here? OK then, here you go:

This pillow has a boo-boo.


Dear Goldfish,
trees is money?

Well, I suppose they are if you’re a lumber baron. For most of us who aren’t lumberjacks though, trees is not money. Although, folding money is made out of paper.

Dear Goldfish,
destroy my nipples?

Ew, why would I want to do that? No thanks. I’ll pass.

Dear Goldfish,
big ass gold fish?

Are you saying I’m fat? Whatever, dude. My ass is perfectly proportionate to the rest of me, which isn’t fat. So there.

Dear Goldfish,
american baby cars?

I know that Americans have a reputation for excess, but cars for babies? I shudder to think. Most adults can’t even drive in this country, let alone handing drivers licenses to babies. Although, I would have raced the hell out of this as a kid:

Recommended for ages 5 and up. Beats the hell out of a Big Wheel.

Dear Goldfish,
she fell in the hole in the backyard?

I’m sorry to hear that. I’d call emergency services. While you’re waiting, try to find a rope or a ladder or something to fish her out. Good luck.

Dear Goldfish,
is squibet a word?

No, but squib is.

Dear Goldfish,
what’s lottery number for goldfish?

12 73 45 2 393 31 50 4 7 19 439322744560378672

If you win with any of those numbers, you owe me half. Good luck!

Dear Goldfish,
films with maneating vaginas?

Good grief! I have no idea. There are probably dozens of films out there with man-eating vaginas in them; I don’t know what they are though. They’re probably Japanese.

Dear Goldfish,
stupid stuff to put on a prius?

Everything on a Prius is stupid because Priusses (Priuses, Priusii, Prissies… whatever the fuck the plural is) are stupid. I saw a Prius with NASA, Flying Spaghetti Monster and Finnish flag stickers on it, which normally would earn you a passing interest from me, but since they were all on a Prius, I scowled.

Dear Goldfish,
cats grow in trees canada?

Really? I wasn’t aware of that. It must be true since I just found this on the internet:

Canadian cat tree ready for harvesting.

Good to know.

Dear Goldfish,
what’s in your vagina?

Excuse me? That’s an awful question. I would say “none of your goddamn business,” but then you’d assume that there was something in my vagina besides just spare change.

Dear Goldfish,
fish clock patent mr. higgins?

Ah, a secret code. OK, then: La biblioteca es de color verde a media noche con la señora Bluth.

Dear Goldfish,
why can’t people with synesthesia read music?

Actually, I don’t believe that’s true. Granted, I have synesthesia and I can’t read music, but that’s because I never learned. It’s not like I couldn’t read music if I wanted to (I think).

Dear Goldfish,
“graphic design sucks”?

Yes, it does. Don’t do it unless you positively have no other choice. Here’s why.

Dear Goldfish,
can superman get drunk?

How did I become the authority on questions like this? I don’t know. Actually, I don’t really care. Superman is boring. To make him less boring, I am going to say, yes, Superman can get shithammered, he’s just too lame to do it.

Dear Goldfish,
countries that hate america?

Most of them. Next.

Dear Goldfish,
5 things that we can’t do without technology?

There are a lot of things we can’t do without technology, but I suppose it depends on what you consider to be technology. Are we talking about modern day or just the basics? Here are 5 things that could be done without it, but are made infinitely easier with modern technology:

  1. Flying
  2. Surgery
  3. Communications
  4. Teleportation
  5. Robot armies

Well, that’s just about all we have time for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.