Dear Goldfish Part 6

Hello, Internet. Well, it’s that time of week again. That’s right. It’s time for Dear Goldfish, the weekly series where I answer questions asked by the internet. The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines.

Dear Goldfish,
1900 train from new york to cape may?

I really don’t know anything about train schedules. Come to think of it, I’ve never even ridden on a train in the United States, unless you count the metro. I have ridden trains in Europe, but that has nothing to do with New York. I don’t believe you can get from London to New York by train just yet. And where the hell is Cape May? I’m too busy to Google it.

Dear Goldfish,
things i hate about drunk people?

I’m not quite sure why you’re asking me things that you hate about drunk people. Wouldn’t you be a better person to ask? I wrote about drunk people and why they suck in the post 10 Things I Hate Part 13. If you’re too lazy to go there and read it, in summary, it’s the drunken hugging and crying that I hate.

Dear Goldfish,
being finnish?

Yes, I am busy being Finnish at this very moment. Well, I’m at least 50% Finnish anyway. The other half is busy being European mutt. What about being Finnish would you like to know? It’s very similar to being anything else really except that I don’t tan. For more information on my being Finnish, you can read this post.

Dear Goldfish,
early railroad wheels?

In Well-Known Facts: American History, I wrote about how trains were essentially the first cars. Originally, they didn’t even need train tracks. For other assorted tomfoolery as regards trains and wheels, I’d suggest reading that post. If you’d like real facts, might I suggest the rest of the internet?

Dear Goldfish,
i mean the only thing going for him is his legs?

“So, I says to this guy, I says, so, I mean, like the only thing he’s got going for him is his legs. And this guy, he says to me, he says, well, he does have a nice set of gams I reckon.” Wait, what? What kind of question is that to ask the internet? Most people with legs are fortunate to have them. They allow us to get from point A to point B under our own power. Yay legs.

Dear Goldfish,
if i hear park the car in harvard yard one more time…?

You’ll.. crack? spit? kill someone? hear it one more time? I have to admit, “pahk the cah in Hahvad Yahd” is goddamn annoying. However, it does perfectly illustrate that the Boston accent is nonrhotic and therefore, it will be used again and again. I guess you’ll just have to get used to it.

Dear Goldfish,
which fish give us good luck?

Actually, I don’t really believe in luck as I discussed here, so I don’t believe that any fish are lucky. I’m certainly not. If I was lucky, I surely would have won the lottery by now even though I don’t play. Anyone can win the lottery if they play; it takes a certain special someone to win the lottery without ever buying a ticket. I hope to be that kind of lucky one day, but so far, it has eluded me. If you’d like to rub my belly for luck, you’re welcome to try it. I don’t think it will do any good though.

Dear Goldfish,
what should i read for spm 2011?

What exactly is SPM 2011 and why are you required to read for it? Special Pulmonary Media? Sequined Princess Marmot? School Prohibited Monsters? I have no idea what you should read for SPM 2011, or even in general, for that matter. Just the other day, I asked for suggestions on what I should read, so I’m of no help whatsoever. I’d recommend reading a book.

Dear Goldfish,
widely known world records?

I think I’ll do a Well-Known Facts: World Record Edition quite soon. Until then, you’ll have to be content with visiting Guinness World Records.

Dear Goldfish,
are fish inanimate objects?

Um, no, fish are living creatures, unless they’re dead. If they’re dead, as long as they’re not reanimated zombie fish, they are inanimate objects. See, the definition of inanimate is “not alive,” which applies to both humans and fish. To recap: a fish is an animate object, not an inanimate one, unless it’s dead or possibly a zombie fish.

Dear Goldfish,
glee, surprise party?

What? No, I don’t want either of those things, thank you. How did you make your way here using “glee” as a search term anyway?  I don’t even know what it is besides something that cheerleaders have in abundance. Whatever the hell this is, I want no part of it:

Something called “Glee”

Dear Goldfish,
just need tohang and shoot the shit?

Um, ok. Sure. Bring some bourbon over and we can hang and shoot the shit. That is, provided that you mean proverbially shoot the shit. I really have no interest in literally shooting the shit.

Dear Goldfish,
careers i’d be good at?

Once again, you people are asking questions to which I couldn’t possibly know the answer. I have no idea what careers you’d be best suited for. I don’t know what your skills are, and actually, I don’t even know you. What do you enjoy doing? Do you have any hobbies? Yes? OK, don’t do those for a living. It’s much better to enjoy your hobbies than to get paid for them and turn them into drudgery. Let’s ask the Magic 8 Ball.

Oh, wise Magic 8 Ball, what profession should our internet friend seek?

And the Magic 8 Ball says… “Outlook not so good.” Well, that didn’t really help. I’m going to go on a limb here and say a career that you would be good at is… neurosurgeon or rocket scientist.

Dear Goldfish,
secret science facts?

Shhh! It’s a secret. The whole point of secret science facts are that they are secret. Rule #1 of secret science facts is that you don’t talk about secret science facts. Didn’t they teach you anything when you joined the Secret Science Facts Club? Geez…

And while we’re on the subject, I never got my SSFC shirt:

Secret Science Facts Club shirt.

Well, that’s just about all we have time for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.