1. Homos. Not the Homo Sapien variety, but the language kind, as in homonyms, homophones and homographs. For example, the one used in the title of this post. Nein (“No” in German) is a homophone of nine (the number). A homophone is two or more words having the same pronunciation but different meanings and spelling. Then there are homonyms which are two or more words having the same pronunciation and spelling, e.g. tire (fatigue) and tire (a wheel on a car). One is a verb, the other is a noun, but they’re spelled and pronounced the same way. Finally, there are homographs; same spelling, different pronunciation and meaning, e.g. desert (abandon) and desert (an arid region). I hate homo-whatevers because people don’t seem to understand them. English is a ridiculous language made even more ridiculous by the fact that people type it a lot more than they used to with the advent of the internet. I’ve written more on this topic in the post Homonyms Are The Devil.
2. Dormant blogs. I hate it when I stumble through the internet and find a blog that I might actually read only to discover that the last post was from sometime in 2009. This means that there’s no point in subscribing or following or whatever one does to blogs since there will most likely not be any new material. It’s not that something written in 2009 is necessarily any less valid or entertaining than a post made today, but why would I follow a fallow blog? That’s just silly. Write more often, people. You started your blog, finish it. At least update once a month or so to let us know you’re not dead.
3. I hate… myself. Since I got a puppy, I’ve become one of those terrible pet people who I’ve rambled about countless times on this blog (#5 – 10 Things I Hate). The kind that posts pictures of their “baby” on Facebook and tells “funny” dog stories that are not really funny. I never did this with my cat. I think I have some pictures of him as a kitten somewhere or other maybe, but I take stupid pictures of my dog and post them on Facebook. It’s terrible. I’m annoying. Someone needs to stop me, please. B-b-b-but, she’s sooooooooooooo cute!
4. More things I hate about Facebook, continued from the first very first 10 Things I Hate:
4a. I hate people who post more than, let’s say, five status updates in a day. Even five status updates is pushing my interest level. If you post more than a few times a day and your posts are not insightful, interesting, informative or entertaining, you will get blocked.
4b. Self-portraits. I’m alright with the occasional self-portrait, e.g. “look at my new haircut!” or “I’m standing in front of this weird thing in Denmark!”, but when you take fifty million shots of yourself and post them all, you’re just begging for attention. I won’t give it to you. You will get blocked.
4c. Facebook arguments. Really? You’re going to argue with someone on Facebook? Sidebar that shit. No one cares about your adolescent argument.
4d. This “check in” GPS nonsense. “Who Givesashit just checked in at Grandma’s House of Clowns!” I don’t care. I don’t care where you are now, where you will be two hours from now, and most importantly, I couldn’t care less where you were two hours ago. If I want to know, I’ll ask.
4e. People who think they are funny but FAIL miserably. Yet, these unfunny people seem to be the ones who comment the most. Everyone seems to have at least one of these people as friends. Mine is my cousin. He’s not funny. He comments on everything I say.
4f. Facebook statuses that mean absolutely nothing. “Well, that sucked.” What sucked? Your status update? Yes, it did. How about telling us what sucked and why? I have no idea what you are trying to say and I don’t really care enough to ask. I’ve never enjoyed knock-knock jokes. I once got fed up with ridiculous posts like that and I decided to just post random gibberish to see if people would notice. I wrote “butternut squash” since it was the first thing that came to mind. That stupid post started a whole discussion about squash. *sigh*
4g. Inspirational quotes as a status update. If a quote inspires you, great. Keep it to yourself or put it in the section they have on there for favorite quotes. Just like getting “He who climb up ladder begin at first step” in a fortune cookie is not a fortune, some words by some other dude are not your status. Stop that.
5. People who come into work sick. If you are the only qualified neurosurgeon on the planet and you can’t postpone a surgery without killing the patient, if you are the only air traffic controller scheduled to work that day, if you are an astronaut and pushing back the shuttle launch schedule would cost millions, if you are the President of the United States, fine, you can can come into work sick. The rest of us poor workaday monkeys aren’t up to anything nearly that important. At my job, nobody would die, the world wouldn’t end and nobody would really be much the wiser if I didn’t show up for work for one goddamn day because I was sick. If I’m genuinely sick, I stay the fuck home where I belong. That way, I don’t get anyone else sick and I might actually get better faster. Coming into work sick is just rude, inconsiderate and somewhat egotistical since, odds are, you are not that important.
6. I hate people who don’t seem to realize that when you’re having a conversation with someone on your cell phone in public, THE REST OF US CAN HEAR YOU. THERE’S NO NEED TO YELL. I also hate when you start talking to someone only to realize they’re on the phone or when someone says something into the phone and you think they are talking to you.
7. Complainers. I hate people who complain about everything. Nothing is ever good enough for these people. I just won the lottery, but it will all go to taxes. This porridge is too hot, this porridge too cold, this bed is too soft, this one’s too hard… Seriously, if you don’t like something, do something about it besides just complaining. If you hate your job, get a new one. It’s fairly simple.
8. I hate when I have to ask someone to repeat something and I still don’t understand what they said. Society has this unwritten limit of once, maybe twice, that you can ask someone to repeat something. Any more than that is considered rude. However, when you are hard of hearing like I am and the person doing the speaking either mumbles, has a thick accent or speaks so softly that even a regular-hearing’ed person would have a hard time discerning the words over the annoying, omnipresent background music that exists just to make it more difficult for the hearing impaired, I think you should be allowed to ask more than twice. Either that or you should be allowed to ask them to write it down. Usually, in that situation, when I still cannot hear what you’re trying to say the third time, I’ll just make something up like, “Why, yes, my fish does ride his unicycle quite skillfully! Thank you for noticing!” Sometimes, I’ll invoke what I call my “Creative Listening Skills” which consist of repeating an interpretation of what they might be saying with the same intonation and number of syllables. Mumbles McGee: “Mumble mumble mumble.” Me: “Boogie night rhymes the cat?” Mumbles McGee: “No, I asked, would you like fries with that?” Me: “Oh! No, thanks.” They usually think I’m crazy, but it’s a sneaky way to get them to repeat what they said again without straight-out asking. I should just print out a sign in twenty different languages to hold up that says I’m hard of hearing, SPEAK THE FUCK UP, PLEASE.
9. I hate that it’s so much easier, and often much more fun, to destroy than to create. It should be the other way around. It will take a tree fifty years to grow to its full height, but we can chop it down in minutes. It can take you decades to write a book, but a hard drive it’s stored on can be corrupted in no time at all. There’s not much that can be done about this one, but if creating were as much fun and as easy as destroying, I bet a lot more people would be creative.
10. I hate people who stare. Children stare at me all the time for some reason. I’m not quite sure why that is. Perhaps they can sense my loathing for them. However, I am used to staring children. They don’t bother me because they don’t know manners yet. They don’t know that society doesn’t appreciate staring. It’s the adults I’m talking about. I was stuck at a red light in my car the other day and spied a little person. I looked long enough for my brain to register that it was a little person and continued looking around. What I saw was person after person staring at the little person. Why would you do that? It’s rude. It must positively suck to have to go through life getting stared at by slack-jawed yokels. Then again, maybe little people are used to adults staring in the same way that I’m used to children doing it. That doesn’t make it right though. This staring business goes doubly for accidents on the freeway. What is that? Why must you stop to see the mangled husks of cars? Are you actually hoping to see blood and brains scattered on the freeway? You people made me 15 minutes late for work this morning because of your damn rubbernecking. I don’t look at traffic accidents when I pass them. I must be the only person who doesn’t.