A long time ago, I had another blog. It was called Drat & Blast and it was co-written with a very good friend of mine. I was Drat and he was Blast.

Blast lives in Philadelphia, which as you may know, is not very close to Los Angeles. Because of our continual proximity problems, we often chat online. Our conversations are, quite often, entirely ridiculous.

This post is one of them. Word for word, it is a transcript of a real conversation. Really. Nothing was changed except our names. Drat & Blast, the blog, is long gone now, but the posts remain.

Blast: I want to get a pool.

Drat: Who doesn’t?

Blast: I honestly cannot remember ever not being able to swim.

Drat: I suck at swimming. My skeleton is too dense, what with that Adamantium coating. So, I just sink.

Blast: Your skull is too dense.

Drat: Floating is half the battle.

Blast: Lots of things are half the battle like not being a spastic retard also helps. That’s half the battle. Not drowning? Half the battle. Geez, I quoted Kevin Costner, but what was that from?

Drat: You got me. Even if I knew, I would pretend I didn’t because that’s just embarrassing.

Blast: The Untouchables. And surprise, as you very well know, Mr. Ness is half the battle. Many things are half the battle. Losing is half the battle. Let’s think about what is all the battle.

Drat: You’re a battle.

Blast: You’re half the battle.

Drat: HA! I win.

Blast: LIES How do you figure? I’m ALL the battle, therefore, I WIN.

Drat: I’m only half as much battle as you, therefore, I WIN. You are ALL battle.

Blast: That doesn’t even make sense to a Plutonian.

Drat: I’m half battle, half AWESOME, whereas you are ALL battle, which is like so totally boooooooo.

Blast: I’m ALL AWESOME.

Drat: Nope. You can’t be both all battle AND all awesome. Since you are all battle, you contain no awesome.

Blast: You got your halves mixed up.

Drat: You are all battle, which means that I contain 50% more awesome than you.

Blast: You are half spastic retard.

Drat: You didn’t specify that.

Blast: You’re half drownedy mcdrownerpants with zero buoyancy.

Drat: You can’t go specifying after the fact.

Blast: I can too.

Drat: No, you cain’t.

Blast: I command thee to allow it. I come with the Lord with the power to compel. I smite thee.

Drat: Only people who are 50% more awesome than you, like ME, can compel others to do their bidding.

Blast: SMITE SMITE SMITE.

Drat: By commanding me to allow it, you have proven that I am more powerful. Bask in the power of 50% more AWESOME than you.

Blast: You are smitten. You are in deep smit.

Drat: I’m way more full of power than you. Revel in the power of my awesome.

Blast: SMITE. That was just to remind you of my power.

Drat: You have no power since I am the one who allows or does not allow, and guess what; I won’t allow it.

Blast: I just commanded thee to allow it in your own brain.

Drat: Denied.

Blast: It’s allowed.

Drat: Request denied in perpetuity.

Blast: I come with the Lord with the power to compel just to teach you a lesson about the long arm of my authoriTAE.

Drat: Punishment forthcoming. G’lord, we have some stupid conversations.

This post is part of the Drat & Blast series.