If I Had Unlimited Resources…


I would create an evil lair in which I would craft my nefarious plan for world domination, because even with unlimited resources, I would still need more of everything. I’d create a vast army of goons paid well enough that they wouldn’t even consider betraying me. I’d also give them health insurance, vacation time, a generous retirement plan and profit sharing.

To give them a sense of pride and belonging, each one of my evil henchmen would be given a nickname, a special weapon, in addition to lots of guns, and a fancy outfit to wear. For instance, here comes Igor the Horrible decked out in the latest in evil fashionwear for fall; wielding his flail with matching black leather and spiky armor.

My evil hideout would have many levels and a moat. There would be one staircase that, strangely, and for no good reason at all, ran up from the water of the moat so that my enemies would think that was the least defended way into my lair. They would be wrong though, since it would be a trap!

My lair would have all the modern conveniences of home, yet it would still strike terror into the hearts of my captives, if for some reason, I didn’t kill them right away. Sometimes, taking hostages can’t be helped I suppose. If they survived, they would know that messing with me was not something they wanted to do in the future.

Unlike most evil masterminds, my captives would be kept under guard at all times. They would be thoroughly searched before entering their cells so that they couldn’t even smuggle in a paperclip. Most evil masterminds fail because they give their enemies too much room to maneuver. Instead of putting them, unguarded, into a tank of sharks, I would just shoot them in the head. Twice. Occam’s razor is the key.

Since I would imagine that sometimes I’d get a mite bored, even with unlimited resources, I would stage final battles with my enemies allowing them to think they had the upper hand, but I’d simply toy with them like a cat with a mouse. There would be a room with a mirrored maze, for seemingly no reason, where we would have the final battle. My opponent’s kung fu would be no match for my mirrors. I would allow him to get a few good kicks in to provide a false sense of hope. And I certainly would not divulge my evil plan before I shot him in the head. Twice.

Bwa ha ha.

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