6 Villains I’d Rather Have As President

Understood in ALL languages.

Since November 2016, when the electoral college put one of the worst Americans in history in the office of President Of The United States, I’ve been embarrassed to be an American.

I don’t plan on leaving the country any time soon since A) they might not let me back in and B) I can’t explain to anyone in the rest of the world how a megalomaniacal, misogynistic, racist, bigoted ignoramus with the common sense and restraint of a four-year old (and that’s being unkind to toddlers everywhere) was somehow put into the highest office in the land.

If I leave the country before 2020, I’m going to make this into a button and wear it everywhere I go:

Understood in ALL languages.
Sadly, Redbubble doesn’t have buttons yet, but they do have stickers!

At first, I was obsessed with the news. I read every article until I found that it was making me crazy. I had to take a step back. I put a self-imposed moratorium on the news. The LA Times, to which I subscribe, sends me breaking news updates, and I still listen to NPR several hours a day, but other than that, I am as uninformed a slob as the people who cast a ballot for Donald Drumpf in the first place. I am much happier that way.

I dealt with 8 years of George W. Bush by never looking at his face or listening to his voice. When he spoke, I’d turn it off and wait for the written transcript instead. You don’t appreciate just how moronic George W. or Donald Trump are until you read their words in an unfiltered transcript. Straight-up IDIOTS. At least George wasn’t as overtly racist and bigoted as far as his policy went.

I said to a coworker that I’d rather have George W. as President again for 8 more years versus another 3 with Trump.  Naturally, the conversation devolved into other villains I’d rather see as President over Trump, so here’s a list of merely a few.

As an aside, did you know that Trump’s family surname was originally Drumpf? It’s hilariously frumpy and much more apt. Apologies to anyone with that surname.

Darth Vader – Star Wars


Yeah, Darth Vader is no doubt evil, but under all that black leather, there is a soul. A twisted mess of a soul, but a soul nonetheless. I cannot say the same for Drumpf. I’m not sure he even knows what it means to be human, whereas, at one point, Darth Vader did.

The Wicked Witch Of The West – Oz


Green versus orange! I’ll take green any day. When it comes to it, The Wicked Witch was really only obsessed with ending one person (and her little dog, too), while Trump seems intent on fucking all of us everywhere. As long as you’re not Dorothy, green ain’t so bad.

The Riddler – Batman


The Riddler is unique among villains in that, unlike Trump, he realizes he’s insane. Plus, his villainy is a lot more colorful than Trump’s, even if it will ultimately kill us just as dead.

J.R. Ewing – Dallas


If you’ve never seen the show, J.R. Ewing set the gold standard on how to be a terrible person. The show’s catchphrase is “Who shot J.R.?” because everyone wanted him dead.

I’m fairly certain that Trump has this show on DVD and watches it all the time for inspiration in bribery, blackmail, and other assorted ruthless business practices. Trump probably has a shrine dedicated to J.R. hidden in a secret panel in his closet. He puts on a replica of the famous cowboy hat and pretends to be him in the mirror while getting dressed in the morning.

At least J.R. had the good sense never to run for President and he also graced us with an untimely end.

Agent Smith – The Matrix


If you’ve somehow never seen the Matrix, Agent Smith is part of a virtual reality simulation designed to keep human brains occupied while an artificial intelligence harvests us for… energy? I can’t remember. It’s been a while since I’ve seen it.

Anyway, Agent Smith thinks of humans as a virus, which he explains in a surprisingly convincing monologue. While The Matrix needs us for X reason, it would really rather see us all dead, which isn’t all that different from Trump.

Agent Smith and his AI cohort genuinely need us lowly humans, otherwise they would have committed wholesale slaughter long ago. Drumpf only needs us to feel loved and superior, but honestly, setting up cardboard cutouts of people holding signs saying “We Love You, Trump!” would probably have the same effect on our sad excuse for a President, since he just twists facts to feed his excessively insecure need for adoration anyway.

I truly believe that Trump would like to see all of us who don’t love him dead, including me, so that he can rule his kingdom of acolytes for life. In fact, while standing in front of the mirror practicing his J.R., I believe he’s plotting just that. Fortunately, he does have the mental faculties of a four-year old, so that isn’t likely, but he gives it as great a thought as he’s capable until he’s distracted by shiny.

Cersei Lannister – Game Of Thrones


Cersei is a vengeful character hell bent on being ruler and eager to destroy anyone who gets in her way. Sound familiar? The difference between Cersei and Trump though, is that she’s been a sympathetic character at times. Trump has never, ever been sympathetic. Not once in his entire life has he shown the type of devotion to his family that Cersei has shown for hers. Trump creepily as much as said he’d like to bang his own daughter. Apparently, incest is another thing Cersei and Trump have in common.

Yeah, she straight-up murdered everyone in power so she could be queen, but Drumpf would murder anyone for less. If he could get away with it, he’d probably murder me just for calling him a douchetwat.

Well, that’s all I have time for today. I might turn this into a series. There are so many villains I’d rather see as President. Until next time…