10 Things I Wish I Did Better

I’m good at some things, great at a few, and terrible at a lot more. These are some things I’m bad at that I wish I did better.


I’ve never been a runner. Not even when I was in peak physical condition instead of old and lazy like now. I can sprint with the best of them, but when it comes to running more than a football field, I’m just no good. My lungs don’t have that kind of capacity and my knees are bad. If there was ever a zombie apocalypse, I’d be dead in a day unless they were the shambling variety. I’m pretty good at climbing and shooting things in the face (not that I’ve ever shot anything in the face besides a paper target).


I can’t sing. Not only can I not sing, but I have perfect pitch, so I know exactly how much I can’t sing. Plus, I can hear how badly everyone else can sing, too.

I never sing in the shower. When I sing along to the car radio, I have to turn the volume way up to drown out my own caterwauling. Having perfect pitch and not being able to sing is a really unfortunate kind of curse.

I know musicians who would kill to have perfect pitch and it’s completely wasted on me, If I had any musical talent, I wouldn’t feel so guilty for having this “gift” and not doing a damn thing with it besides annoying myself while driving.

Not procrastinating

I finished my work project on Tuesday morning. I spent the rest of the day looking at WordPress themes, because I’m not happy with this one either. I like nearly everything about it except the tiny header and its general narrowness, neither of which I can fix without messing with the PHP and I can’t do that on the WP dot com.

I found a theme I like, but it’s $125. Ouch. So, I put that on hold until I get annoyed with this one enough to say “fuck it” and become insane enough to spend $125 on a damn WP theme (sadly, it will probably happen at some point, because I’m just that ridiculous). I wasted an entire day looking at themes and still didn’t pick a new one.

On Tuesday afternoon, I saw that Redbubble is having a contest where you could win $1,000. A prize with a comma is definitely worth entering. The idea is that people post things on Instagram that make them happy. Then, artists go through and pick one to draw.

I chose this one:

Screen Shot 2016-02-02 at 8.54.49 AM

And turned it into this:


Then, since who the hell is really going to want to buy a Pegasus hugging a dog, I also made this one and put it up on Redbubble.


And that’s where Tuesday and Wednesday went. It’s now Thursday, and instead of starting my new project, I’m writing this post. And, since it’s already Thursday, I figure I might as well wait until next week to start fresh… Weee!


I’m a terrible photographer, yet I’m on Instagram mostly so I can enter contests like that one. I never remember to take pictures in the first place. I’ll see something cool and my first through ninetieth instincts are not, “Hey, I should take a picture of that.” Another reason I’m on Instagram is that I was hoping it would get me to take more pictures (practice, perfect, yadda yadda), which so far, it hasn’t.

Promoting myself

Speaking of art and contests, I so wish I was good at promoting myself. Hell, I’d even take average at promoting myself. As it is, I am very bad at it. I printed up business cards a year or two ago, and I’ve given out dozens… to my mom and sister who then give them away. I’ve handed out maybe three myself. I am just no good at plugging things I’ve created, which is all I have to promote. If I was better at promotion, I could have my own business and not sit at a stupid desk in a stupid cubicle all day. But then, I’d need to be better at the next thing on the list…


I’m no good at people. I go to the dog park every day and chat with the regulars. There are people there who never run out of things to say. I’m not one of them. I’m no good at small talk. When I run into regulars who are like me, there are many awkward silences. If I was better at people, I could have my own business and not sit at a stupid desk in a stupid cubicle all day.


I am the world’s worst negotiator. I’m so bad at it that I’ve ruined other people’s negotiations. My best friend is excellent at it. She was trying to get us into a sold out show one night. She said to a scalper, “This is all the cash we have.” I stupidly chimed in with, “I have another $20.” I’m so bad at negotiating that I didn’t even realize that was part of her ploy. Now, when she’s negotiating, I know to keep my trap shut. If I was good at promoting myself and negotiation, I’d be a multi-billionaire.

Making money

Being terrible at self-promotion, people and negotiating has kept me in a series of crappy, low-paying jobs for over a decade. Instead of doing something about it, I just sit here like a dumbass going, “Well, at least I have a job.”


I can’t even do simple math in my head. If I’m trying to add 127 + 82 in my head, by the time I get to adding 12 and 8, I’ve already forgotten the 9 from adding 7 and 2. And you can absolutely forget about my simple goldfish brain remembering to carry numbers. I can do it on paper with ease, but I can’t add three digit numbers in my head. Two is about my limit.


As far as I know, I’ve always been bad at sleep. As an infant, I had meningitis, which made it impossible to sleep, and for a little while, impossible to stay alive since I did, in fact, die. Then, when I was seven, a pedophile used to drag me out of bed by my ankle. In my twenties, a domestic abuser dragged me out of bed by my hair.

Sleep is not something that comes easily to me, which is unfortunate, since if I could only get a bit more sleep, I’d probably think a lot clearer about everything.

What do you wish you did better?