Dos & Don’ts of Buying People

Mooo. (

I’ve been sold. Can any of you say that? I mean, since the 13th Amendment was ratified in 1865, selling people in the United States has been rather frowned upon. Yet, here I am in 2014 having just been sold.

The owner of the company I’ve been employed by for the last three and a half years sold me. Well, really, he sold his company brand and assets, but I am considered an asset. I suppose it’s nice to be in the plus column, but being sold against your will and without any say in the matter isn’t a very nice feeling.

Granted, I am not literally a slave. I can choose not to go to the new company, but that means I choose to be unemployed. I’d rather not be unemployed since it puts a crink in one’s income.

As someone who was just sold and since not many people in America really have aboveboard experience with selling or buying people as chattel anymore, I thought I’d put together a handy reference guide for handling the situation from the cow’s eye view. The cow being me, of course, since I was, in fact, just sold like one. Mooo.

Mooo. (

Do Not… wait a week or more to come over and talk to your new cow.

Do… come greet your new possession as soon as possible. Even though your cow is just a possession, it is still a living, breathing thing.

Do Not… finally have a meeting with your cow with the cow’s old owner present. It will make your cow reluctant to talk about details.

Do… find a private conference room. Talk about all the ways your cow will be in servitude in private.

Do Not… answer five phone calls during the meeting.

Do… give your pathetic little cow ten measly undivided minutes of your time. It will probably the only time you have to suck it up and listen to them moo.

Do Not… be evasive when your cow asks you questions.

Do… be prepared for the meeting. Tell your new cow how much they will make, what benefits (if any) they will get and where your office is located.

Do Not… expect your cow to move all their own stuff.

Do… give them help moving. I mean, really? You want me to move my own stuff? WTF?

Do Not… ask your new cow if they want to be sold or if they’re “on board.”Β  Nobody wants to be sold. Ever. And no, we’re not “on board.” You don’t own a damn ship. Or maybe you do, but the cow won’t be working on one.

Do… realize that your new cow has no choice in the matter. It’s either you or the unemployment line and your cow probably has rent to pay.

Do Not… under any circumstances ever utter the sentence, “We like to empower our employees,” and then spend the next ten minutes telling them all the ways you’ll be taking their power away.

Do… not ever utter the sentence, “We like to empower our employees.” Just don’t. In fact, just cross the word “empower” out of your corporate-speak dictionary.

Do Not… answer your cow’s question regarding job titles with, “We don’t believe in job titles.”

Do… answer the fucking questions, you fucking fucks.

Well, I hope that helps all of you rich corporate property owners in dealing with the purchase of lowly cows and people. Remember, cows are living, breathing things, not just numbers, although really, they’re mostly numbers. Even though you don’t technically own their souls, you can still milk them for all they’re worth. Good luck!