I’m not very good at interpersonal relationships. It could be because I spent a year with a pedophile and eight years with a sociopath who tried to kill me.
Relationships like that will totally skew your success rate.
Male and I have been involved for nearly fifteen years. He knows all about my past. He knows as much as you guys do and even more.
I trust him.
You have no idea how difficult that is for me to mean. I can say it, but to really mean it from the depths of my soul was a challenge to say the least.
When I say I trust him, I probably don’t mean it the same way the rest of you do. I don’t mean that I trust him not to cheat on me; I don’t worry about stuff like that. I mean that I feel completely safe around him. I know he would never hit me or intentionally hurt me. He might unintentionally hurt me, but all of us are guilty of that.
He knows everything about me and he hasn’t run away. He knows I was sexually abused. He knows I was a prostitute. He knows that I don’t know how many people I’ve had sex with and it doesn’t bother him.
Male has made it through almost all of my walls and I have a lot of them. The problem with building a fortress around your heart is that, once someone makes it inside, you are completely defenseless. For example, he could stab me fifteen times in the chest and I probably wouldn’t do anything to stop it. I would just wonder why. The good news is that I trust him not to do that. It was not an easy road for him to walk down, but he did, so good for him. And good for me, too, since he has managed not to stab me so far, which proves my judgment isn’t entirely bad.
I have the faith of my cat. What I mean is that I could pick up my cat and fling him against the wall, because I have earned that trust. I don’t and I wouldn’t, but I could. My cat lives with the faith that I won’t. My cat might not even know that flinging him against the wall was even a thing that could be done, because in his whole life, he’s never trusted anyone to the point where doing that was even possible, except for me and I’ve never done that. Anyone else who had that notion, would earn a hiss and a scratch. When it comes to Male, I am my cat. I live a life of faith that I won’t get flung against the wall without really even knowing if there’s a wall there to be flung against.
When you have a past like mine and you meet new people, you feel obligated to share so you don’t blindside people with it later, but you don’t want to rush these things either. Telling someone all of that the first time you meet them isn’t a good idea. How and when is it appropriate to have that conversation? I’ve never found an easy way.
It’s better when people know, and it’s even better when they can find humor in it like me, but I don’t want people walking on eggshells around me either. This is why I prefer being friends with fucked up people. All of my closest friends have their own unique fucked-up-ed-ness, including Male.
Fucked up people can sense other fucked up people. It’s in the eyes. Living through fucked up shit gives you a sort of Spider-Sense. You just somehow know. I can meet someone in line for the bathroom and get along with them like we’ve known each other for decades just because we share the same brand of fucked up. We might have a different but complimentary brand of fucked-up-itude, but fucked up is fucked up. I don’t have much in common with people who aren’t, or weren’t at one point, a total mess.
It seems a waste to just use my Spider-Sense to make friends. I’d like to take it and put it to work. I could be a drug sniffing dog of sorts, sniffing out problems people aren’t even aware are there.
I get along with people suffering from all kinds of mental problems. I can identify with people who have been abused. I get substance abuse issues. I understand suicidal thoughts. Those moments that you cringe over? Those are the moments that I use to bond with you. All of that wreckage built of pain, suffering and being misunderstood is the foundation of our friendship, because nothing makes better friends than shared suffering.
I am determined to make positives out of everything I’ve experienced. Even if it starts small. Even if it doesn’t help at first, I will try and I will keep trying. They will not win. Whatever it has done to damage us, whatever damage it is still doing, it is not the end of the story. The story is really only beginning.