Exploring FOG’s drafts folder one miserable, unfinished blog post at a time. There are currently 55 items in my drafts folder. Let’s see what they are, shall we?
Take A Hike!
Gah. Just the word hike is enough to send me into PTSD shivers under a table. My name is Goldfish and I hate hiking. Here’s why.
Exhibit A
I lived in Boston for four years. In Boston, people walk fast, because it’s cold. They don’t wait for you if you are slow, because it’s cold. If you want to lollygag, they’ll just meet you there. You know where it is, right? Whatever, you’re behind me. Just follow me. He or she says and then speed walks forty blocks ahead of you in exactly 2.34 seconds until you can only spot the back of their hat, which you’re not even sure is theirs.
I’ve never been a fast walker. I have terrible blood circulation. If I squat, I will pass out. You think I’m kidding? Ask all those gym teachers I warned. I’m like a fainting goat. Make me squat for 10 seconds and I’ll be splayed out on the floor unconscious. Good times.
Exhibit B
I had a friend trick me once into climbing a mountain.
There’s an Exhibit C too, but it’s blank. “Move To Trash.” Yes, please.
This One Goes To Eleven
Daily Post Prompt: What’s the 11th item on your bucket list?
I don’t have a bucket list because a) I’m not much of a planner and b) well, I generally do what I want anyway. For the sake of answering this prompt, I shall attempt to make one.
1. Go to space.
Seriously, once before I die, I want to leave this rock. I want to experience G-forces and weightlessness. I want to see the earth in the rear view mirror, dammit.
2. Become immortal.
This one seems like a good thing to do before dying.
3. Become a billionaire.
Seeing as I don’t really do anything remotely related to becoming a billionaire, this one is probably not going to happen. Then again, if I’m immortal, the odds are in my favor.
I think we’re all a little too familiar with my yen to explore space. “Move To Trash.” Yes, please.
The FOG Extravaganza Giveawayery Results
Buckwheatrisk.com
Once upon a boobs, there was a Princess of a scary land. The kingdom was graced with proctologists, theater, and nice toes. The people were all sexy and they never bent any of their neighbors. The King would really listen to the people and he never hobbled them too much. The Princess had many cups inside and outside of the China and she was allowed to jump whomever she chose.
The Princess was generally hyper, but she hated her nurse. It was unusually ugly. Her full name was Engalbert. She wouldn’t have minded, since royalty throughout the ages have had unusually long saggy Kleenex, but everyone always uttered every single toilet paper whenever they addressed her. Even her own hand called her by her full name or addressed her only as ”Duck!” For example, “Princess Engalbert, it’s time for hanging.” or “Would you like some more bride, Princess Engalbert”? She ate it. She longed to be succumbed with just one dog.RaRaSaur
Once upon a cat, there was a Princess of a furry land. The kingdom was graced with coasters, doorknobs, and nice gnomes. The people were all sleepy and they never rolled any of their neighbors. The King would really listen to the people and he never roped them too much. The Princess had many roses inside and outside of the clarinet and she was allowed to pet whomever she chose.
The Princess was generally painful, but she hated her cape. It was unusually fiery. Her full name was Gloria Estefan. She wouldn’t have minded, since royalty throughout the ages have had unusually long feathery grouches, but everyone always uttered every single bike whenever they addressed her. Even her own fireplace called her by her full name or addressed her only as ”Jinkies!” For example, “Princess Gloria Estefan, it’s time for gambling.” or “Would you like some more toe, Princess Gloria Estefan”? She loved it. She longed to be dusted with just one mask.Kozo
Once upon a Jedi Knight, there was a Princess of a fishy land. The kingdom was graced with Platypus, Buddhahead, and nice penises. The people were all miniscule and they never swallowed any of their neighbors. The King would really listen to the people and he never gagged them too much. The Princess had many munchkins inside and outside of the brothel and she was allowed to eject whomever she chose.
The Princess was generally holy, but she hated her vibrator. It was unusually lascivious. Her full name was Dalai Lama. She wouldn’t have minded, since royalty throughout the ages have had unusually long defunct rock bands, but everyone always uttered every single heroin whenever they addressed her. Even her own probation officer called her by her full name or addressed her only as “Shit-ake Mushrooms.” For example, “Princess Dalai Lama, it’s time for peeing.” or “Would you like some more pacifier, Princess Dalai Lama”? She enlightened it. She longed to be hooked with just one blogger.Blathering
Once upon a potato, there was a Princess of a potatoey land. The kingdom was graced with vomit, cauldrons, and nice idiots. The people were all idiotic and they never blustered any of their neighbors. The King would really listen to the people and he never personified them too much. The Princess had many galaxies inside and outside of the anxiety and she was allowed to pop whomever she chose.
The Princess was generally slippery, but she hated her impracticality. It was unusually hopeful. Her full name was Chuckles McFluster. She wouldn’t have minded, since royalty throughout the ages have had unusually long exorbitant curiosity, but everyone always uttered every single highway whenever they addressed her. Even her own dismay called her by her full name or addressed her only as “Zoinks!” For example, “Princess Chuckles McFluster, it’s time for slithering.” or “Would you like some more soapbox, Princess Chuckles McFluster”? She slipped it. She longed to be potatoed with just one sound.Kirsten H White
Once upon a Santa, there was a Princess of a jolly land. The kingdom was graced with sleighs, elves, and nice reindeer. The people were all rotund and they never loved any of their neighbors. The King would really listen to the people and he never loved them too much. The Princess had many turkeys inside and outside of the wife and she was allowed to delight whomever she chose.
The Princess was generally perfect, but she hated her present. It was unusually handsome. Her full name was Princess Mrs. Claus. She wouldn’t have minded, since royalty throughout the ages have had unusually long shiny snow, but everyone always uttered every single jingle bell whenever they addressed her. Even her own holly called her by her full name or addressed her only as “Good Grief!” For example, “Princess Mrs. Claus, it’s time for rolling.” or “Would you like some more mistletoe, Princess Mrs. Claus”? She kissed it. She longed to be laughed with just one Christmas.apprenticenevermaster
Once upon a cowboy, there was a Princess of a riveting land. The kingdom was graced with diamonds, forks, and nice love letters. The people were all moldy and they never sprinkled any of their neighbors. The King would really listen to the people and he never laughed them too much. The Princess had many sacks of cats inside and outside of the earthquake and she was allowed to chew out whomever she chose.
The Princess was generally blissful, but she hated her rack of discount lederhosen. It was unusually cracked. Her full name was Princess Batman. She wouldn’t have minded, since royalty throughout the ages have had unusually long rumbly dogs, but everyone always uttered every single french fry whenever they addressed her. Even her own grandfather called her by her full name or addressed her only as “I resent that!” For example, “Princess Batman, it’s time for spooning.” or “Would you like some more blue crab, Princess Batman”? She fought it. She longed to be driven with just one roller skate.Dee-lightful Musings of an Old Country Woman
Once upon a whisker, there was a Princess of a mighty land. The kingdom was graced with fungus, peanuts, and nice bicycles. The people were all silky and they never bit any of their neighbors. The King would really listen to the people and he never parted them too much. The Princess had many dingoes inside and outside of the cuspidor and she was allowed to slide whomever she chose.
The Princess was generally repulsive, but she hated her cookie jar. It was unusually slimy. Her full name was Princess Evelyn. She wouldn’t have minded, since royalty throughout the ages have had unusually long astronomical age spots, but everyone always uttered every single roadster whenever they addressed her. Even her own church called her by her full name or addressed her only as “Hallelujah!” For example, “Princess Evelyn, it’s time for brushing.” or “Would you like some more mushroom, Princess Evelyn”? She fought it. She longed to be picked with just one strap.C. R.
Once upon a Rubber Ducky, there was a Princess of a oily land. The kingdom was graced with Stonehenge, Oprah, and nice shoe boxes. The people were all prickly and they never hopped any of their neighbors. The King would really listen to the people and he never watched them too much. The Princess had many Slinkys inside and outside of the toe nails and she was allowed to split whomever she chose.
The Princess was generally bumpy, but she hated her hell. It was unusually fearful. Her full name was Princess Paige Turner. She wouldn’t have minded, since royalty throughout the ages have had unusually long mighty door knobs, but everyone always uttered every single baby wipes whenever they addressed her. Even her own booger called her by her full name or addressed her only as “Shazam!” For example, “Princess Paige Turner, it’s time for waiting.” or “Would you like some more Pope, Princess Paige Turner”? She shat it. She longed to be milked with just one home.Doggy’s Style
Once upon a wart, there was a Princess of a caring land. The kingdom was graced with cheeks, knees, and nice stockings. The people were all tender and they never slobbered any of their neighbors. The King would really listen to the people and he never curled them too much. The Princess had many freckles inside and outside of the calculator and she was allowed to sip whomever she chose.
The Princess was generally daring, but she hated her arsenic. It was unusually feisty. Her full name was Princess Olga. She wouldn’t have minded, since royalty throughout the ages have had unusually long dreaded spoons, but everyone always uttered every single cod liver oil whenever they addressed her. Even her own IUD called her by her full name or addressed her only as “Harder!” For example, “Princess Olga, it’s time for sucking.” or “Would you like some more deep, Princess Olga”? She tingled it. She longed to be abhorred with just one wine.jrosenberry1
Once upon a jukebox, there was a Princess of a flabbergasted land. The kingdom was graced with nutcrackers, tornadoes, and nice pirates. The people were all moldy and they never yodeled any of their neighbors. The King would really listen to the people and he never spooned them too much. The Princess had many Schnauzers inside and outside of the laptop and she was allowed to slobber whomever she chose.
The Princess was generally hairy, but she hated her microbus. It was unusually squeaky. Her full name was Princess “Jim-Bob”. She wouldn’t have minded, since royalty throughout the ages have had unusually long flaky biscuits, but everyone always uttered every single butter whenever they addressed her. Even her own marmalade called her by her full name or addressed her only as “Shazam!” For example, “Princess “Jim-Bob”, it’s time for vacuuming.” or “Would you like some more toadstool, Princess “Jim-Bob”? She licked it. She longed to be boinked with just one bandito.aliceatwonderland
Once upon a penguin, there was a Princess of a freaky land. The kingdom was graced with toilets, asphalt, and nice nuns. The people were all gooey and they never bounced any of their neighbors. The King would really listen to the people and he never threw them too much. The Princess had many munchkins inside and outside of Santa’s secret shop and she was allowed to mutilate whomever she chose.
The Princess was generally whimsical, but she hated her dung beetle. It was unusually asshat. Her full name was Princess The Pope. She wouldn’t have minded, since royalty throughout the ages have had unusually long punctual persons, but everyone always uttered every single place whenever they addressed her. Even her own thing called her by her full name or addressed her only as “Fuckballs!” For example, “Princess The Pope, it’s time for punching.” or “Would you like some more fairy princess, Princess The Pope? She obliterated it. She longed to be screwed with just one unicorn.sha’tashari
Once upon a pickle, there was a Princess of a furry land. The kingdom was graced with chairs, shoes, and nice towels. The people were all hard and they never flew any of their neighbors. The King would really listen to the people and he never talked them too much. The Princess had many songs inside and outside of the bean and she was allowed to hop whomever she chose.
The Princess was generally fancy, but she hated her pen. It was unusually gritty. Her full name was Princess Robert. She wouldn’t have minded, since royalty throughout the ages have had unusually long hard homework, but everyone always uttered every single glass whenever they addressed her. Even her own floor called her by her full name or addressed her only as “Oh!” For example, “Princess Robert, it’s time for sneezing.” or “Would you like some more photo, Princess Robert? She planted it. She longed to be run with just one germ.ruleofstupid
Once upon a kumquat, there was a Princess of a transcendent land. The kingdom was graced with cress sandwiches, ears, and nice nuns. The people were all bilious and they never limped any of their neighbors. The King would really listen to the people and he never cartwheeled them too much. The Princess had many milk carts inside and outside of the rubber glove and she was allowed to gush whomever she chose.
The Princess was generally voluminous, but she hated her penguin. It was unusually crumbly. Her full name was Princess Mutley. She wouldn’t have minded, since royalty throughout the ages have had unusually long battered guillemots, but everyone always uttered every single rolling-pin whenever they addressed her. Even her own elastic band called her by her full name or addressed her only as “Gadzooks!” For example, “Princess Mutley, it’s time for fluttering.” or “Would you like some more fence-post, Princess Mutley? She licked it. She longed to be trembled with just one sewing machine.twindaddy
Once upon an excrement, there was a Princess of a hairy land. The kingdom was graced with nipple clamps, chastity belts, and nice nose hair. The people were all ignorant and they never conjugated any of their neighbors. The King would really listen to the people and he never clinched them too much. The Princess had many grannie panties inside and outside of the skid mark and she was allowed to fornicate with whomever she chose.
The Princess was generally sexy, but she hated her vomit. It was unusually rancid. Her full name was Princess Phil McGroin. She wouldn’t have minded, since royalty throughout the ages have had unusually long unclean pit stains, but everyone always uttered every single banana hammock whenever they addressed her. Even her own left butt cheek called her by her full name or addressed her only as “Holy Schiecky!” For example, “Princess Phil McGroin, it’s time for defacating.” or “Would you like some more adult diaper, Princess Phil McGroin? She farted it. She longed to be sucked with just one stink bomb.SousEtoiles
Once upon a wombat, there was a Princess of a janky land. The kingdom was graced with pirates, receptacles, and nice fungus. The people were all ugly and they never swam any of their neighbors. The King would really listen to the people and he never danced them too much. The Princess had many guitars inside and outside of the iPhone and she was allowed to die with whomever she chose.
The Princess was generally aggressive, but she hated her literature. It was unusually smoky. Her full name was Princess RaShaNae. She wouldn’t have minded, since royalty throughout the ages have had unusually long clean nails, but everyone always uttered every single movie whenever they addressed her. Even her own ring called her by her full name or addressed her only as “WHAT?!” For example, “Princess RaShaNae, it’s time for skipping.” or “Would you like some more jazz, Princess RaShaNae? She ate it. She longed to be screamed with just one cloud.Bridgette
Once upon a cookie, there was a Princess of a sadistic land. The kingdom was graced with dogs, bookmarks, and nice breakfast. The people were all foolish and they never ate any of their neighbors. The King would really listen to the people and he never offered them too much. The Princess had many sandwiches inside and outside of the earring and she was allowed to burn whomever she chose.
The Princess was generally shiny, but she hated her Marcus Welby Book. It was unusually delicious. Her full name was Princess Bridgette. She wouldn’t have minded, since royalty throughout the ages have had unusually long hypocondriachal beds, but everyone always uttered every single tote whenever they addressed her. Even her own crocheted panty called her by her full name or addressed her only as “Blast!” For example, “Princess Bridgette, it’s time for dancing.” or “Would you like some more boot, Princess Bridgette? She laughed it. She longed to be wept with just one buffet.“Anonymous”
Once upon a scrod, there was a Princess of a haughty land. The kingdom was graced with apes, widgets, and nice baubles. The people were all hinky and they never yank any of their neighbors. The King would really listen to the people and he never hicked them too much. The Princess had many gibbets inside and outside of the scrimshaw and she was allowed to engrave whomever she chose.
The Princess was generally false, but she hated her booger. It was unusually salty. Her full name was Princess Gomer. She wouldn’t have minded, since royalty throughout the ages have had unusually long sweet angst, but everyone always uttered every single ennui whenever they addressed her. Even her own ethos called her by her full name or addressed her only as “Goddammit!” For example, “Princess Gomer, it’s time for Hankeringing.” or “Would you like some more lummox, Princess Gomer? She bawled it. She longed to be runned with just one respibble.Robert-preneur
Once upon a Sasquatch, there was a Princess of a impervious land. The kingdom was graced with babysitters, Venus fly traps, and nice tooth paste. The people were all contorted and they never gargled any of their neighbors. The King would really listen to the people and he never hand stitched them too much. The Princess had many pickles inside and outside of the lump and she was allowed to gyrate whomever she chose.
The Princess was generally magic, but she hated her counselor. It was unusually smelly. Her full name was Princess Smittywerbenjagermanjensen. She wouldn’t have minded, since royalty throughout the ages have had unusually long shiny stethoscopes, but everyone always uttered every single uranium whenever they addressed her. Even her own raccoon called her by her full name or addressed her only as “smokin’ Zeus boogers!” For example, “Princess Smittywerbenjagermanjensen, it’s time for poking.” or “Would you like some more sushi, Princess Smittywerbenjagermanjensen? She was flapping it. She longed to be installed with just one fur ball.
Originally, I used a different paragraph from a fairly tale post for the FOG Mad Lib Contest, but it wasn’t nearly as funny, so I went with the pirate story instead. Still, here are the results.
What’s That Mean?
What question do you hate to be asked? Why?
Like all other humanoids, there are many questions that I hate being asked.
“Will you sign this petition?” Well, what is it for? And then I have to spend five minutes getting up to political speed when I really only wanted to buy some bread and eggs.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal lord and savior?” No and I don’t want to, thanks. That position is already filled by the divine deity Goldfish. Have you accepted Goldfish as your personal lord and savior? Let me tell you all about her…
“Can you spare some change?” Depending on a) whether or not I have some b) how possible it is that I think you’ll use that money to buy drugs and c) what kind of mood I am in, maybe.
“What breed is your dog?” I am asked this question more than the others. Most people hazard some sort of guess. The most baffling one is hyena, which I’ve strangely hear more than once. Hyenas aren’t even dogs. My dog is 100% purebred mutt. I have the papers to prove it from the dog pound.
But really, the question I hate being asked most of all is what does your tattoo mean?
When I was a wee lass, barely in my second decade of life, I got a tattoo. Unlike most people who get their first tattoo small and someplace not too noticeable, mine is a very visible tattoo. It is on my upper arm. It was my first. And like most people, I kind of regret my first tattoo.
I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship that was entirely too awful for words. I needed something to mark the occasion and a tattoo seemed like as good an idea as any. I had always wanted one and I almost got one when I was fifteen, but I’m glad I didn’t. But what to get? What can I live with for the rest of my life and not hate? I needed something affirming, so that every time I looked at it, I’d realize how lucky I was to be alive. I had survived and I wanted something to remind me to continue doing so.
I’ve never been one for artsy-fartsy tattoos. I didn’t want a tramp stamp or a butterfly, signifying rebirth from a chrysalis or whatever. I didn’t want anything too obvious. I decided on some words, but I didn’t want them to
I think this was a Daily Post prompt. It’s funny how so many of my drafts end mid sentence.
Sugar High
Much like I would feel a few hours after shoving half a pound of sugar down my gullet, I am flagging. Being Freshly Pressed is exhausting.
And then I crashed apparently since that’s all she wrote.
Advice
The Daily prompt: What’s the best piece of advice you’ve given someone that you failed to take yourself?
The list of advice I’ve given and failed to take myself is most likely very long. I am an excellent advice giver, but I’m not so good at taking it myself. It’s not that I disregard my own advice; it’s that I can’t see the forest for the trees. I think most people are the same. It’s hard to suss a situation when you are in it. You need a little perspective to see problems for what they are.
Probably the most salient advice I’ve given and somehow didn’t follow is…
Basically, what that age old, sage advice attributed to Buddha (but who knows who actually said it) means is, if you are running away to avoid your problems, you will still be you. Most problems cannot be solved with a simple change of venue.
I knew this. I even told others than running away isn’t actually the solution to life’s internal problems. Did I listen to it myself? Well, I’ve moved out of state twice. Once from Detroit to Boston and again from Boston to Los Angeles.
I have uprooted my entire life to move out of state twice.
This one even had a picture attached. Still unfinished.
The Unicornux Rex
Daily Prompt: Take a subject you’re familiar with and imagine it as three photos in a sequence. Tackle the subject by describing those three shots.
Once upon a time, there was a unicorn named Stanley. He was happy most of the time. Stanley traveled the world spreading happiness by crapping piles of rainbow manure. He didn’t mean to spread happiness; it was just in his nature. People would always smile whenever they saw Stanley. They couldn’t help it. He just made people smile, no matter how angry, unhappy or serial killer they were. Smiles made Stanley happy, but it was a superficial happiness. Stanley didn’t have any friends. Stanley was the last of his kind.
One day, Stanley was doing his business in a field, leaving a big pile of rainbows, when he heard sobbing. Stanley didn’t like sobbing. It was in his nature. His whole purpose was to spread happiness in the form of rainbow manure. Sobbing is the antithesis of happiness.
Stanley cantered over the top of the hill and saw a sad Tyrannosaurus Rex sobbing.
Without thinking of the danger, Stanley went over to the T Rex and asked if there was anything he could do to make the T Rex less sobby.
The T Rex looked up and even though she appeared like this…
That’s some mighty fine photoshoppin’. I wonder what the third picture would have looked like.
13 Songs
13 songs I can’t stop listening to that, no matter how many times I hear them, I never tire of. This is a tough one. Do we go with all time songs I never get tired of hearing? Or my latest obsessions? I think I’ll go with all time. These are songs that no matter how many times I hear them, I never ever get tired of them. I’m looking at the 5 star ratings on my ipod, Mae. In alphabetical order:
Aretha Franklin – I Never Loved A Man (The Way I Love You)
Beethoven – Symphony #9
David Bowie – Life On Mars
The Clash – Any song really, but The Guns Of Brixton
Farewell – Boris
Gene Krupa – Sing Sing Sing
Jane’s Addiction – Three Days
Pink Floyd – Wish you were here
The Pogues – Fairytale Of New York
True, but that doesn’t add up to 13.
On Lurve
Love… bah humbug. That’s my general reaction to all things romantic, mushy, mawkish and sickening. I hate it all and wish it would go away. Unfortunately, it doesn’t really. Not really. It never really goes away.
It never goes away because we humans, especially humans who are part of something called society, are constantly assailed by it. I’m not just referring to Valentine’s Day, although that’s certainly a big component. I’m also talking about television, movies, books, billboards, magazines, songs, the internets, art, everything.
Bah humbug.
Fish Of Gold 