Dear Goldfish Part 12

Hello, Internet. Welcome back to Dear Goldfish, the (far from) weekly series where I answer real questions asked by our studio audience, in other words, you. The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines with no editing or censoring.

Dear Goldfish,
levi’s gold pocket watch?

I don’t know anyone named Levi. I know some people with bible names, like Noah, Adam, Daniel, David, Aaron and Andrew, but I don’t know anyone named Levi at the moment. So, no, I don’t know anything about Levi’s pocket watch.

Dear Goldfish,
i want to be a puma?

Um, ok. Good luck with that. I don’t think you’ll succeed, but, hey, it never hurts to try, right? I’d recommend finding a genie lamp or something.

Dear Goldfish,
who said “she done r u n n o f t”?

I don’t know the name of the guy who said it, but it’s from the movie O Brother, Where Art Thou?

Dear Goldfish,
being a finn means?

Well, it means you are of Finnish descent or live in Finland. If you’d like more information on what it means to me personally, you can read this.

Dear Goldfish,
my dog destroyed my backyard?

Sigh. Me too. In fact, it’s just about time two do another Things My Dog Destroyed post. Just the other day, she was running through the yard like a crazy homeless dog on meth and she fell into one of the holes she dug. I laughed. That’s what you get for digging holes in the yard. It was a little thing I like to call comeuppance.

Dear Goldfish,
картинки демонов?

Gah! I just tried to translate that and accidentally searched for instead, which brought up this picture.

Nightmare sauce.

Anyway, that’s Russian and it means “pictures of evil demons”, so there you go. Now you can never unsee that, too.

Dear Goldfish,
hello kitty bugatti veyron?

Good lord, I hope not. The only thing more ostentatious that a Bugatti Veyron would be a Hello Kitty Bugatti Veyron. The closest I could find was this horrid pink one that deserves to be firebombed instead of photographed.

The person who drives this eyesore should be shot. Like, right now. Go shoot them.

Dear Goldfish,
bigfoot illustration?

Sorry, I’m way too lazy to do a Bigfoot illustration for you right now, but I found these lovely ones online along with many more.

An array of high quality Bigfoot illustrations.

I would be running very fast in the direction of the other way if I saw any of that in the woods.

Dear Goldfish,
شعار بوغاتي?

That’s Arabic and it means Bugatti logo. Seriously, people, I know nothing about Bugattis. I don’t even like them. I think they’re kind of dumpy looking. Even if I could afford one, I wouldn’t buy one.

Anyway, here’s your stupid logo:

That’s Italian for “overpriced”

Dear Goldfish,
old lady and punk?

That’s not very nice. Alright, fine, I’m no spring chicken anymore, but I’d hardly call myself an old lady and neither should you. That’s just not polite. Besides, it’s not like I only listen to punk. Far from it. Currently, I’m listening to my ipod, Mae, on full shuffle. The last song was Andres Ségovia performing John Dowland’s Two Pieces for Lute, Song (Captain Digorie Piper’s Galliard) and now my ears are being wooed by Waylon Jennings – Working Without A Net. So, there.

Dear Goldfish,
i don’t know but i love you quotes?

Aw, thanks. I think. That’s nice of you to say to an old lady.

Dear Goldfish,
goldfish power animal?

Alright. If you want a goldfish as your power animal, who am I to stop you? Now, slide…

Dear Goldfish,
demonic faces in fog?

No, thank you. I like my demonic faces to be clearly visible. And I’m still a little freaked out by that demon eye picture above, so I’m going to be moving on now.

Dear Goldfish,
post office bukowski 1st edition?

Sure. I’ll take one if you’re passing them out. Honestly though, I don’t really care if I have a first edition or not. It’s the words that are important, not the binding, right? Although, I really wish I had been able to get him to sign one of my books and maybe do a little drawing before he died. Oh well.

A little Black Sparrow drawn by Bukowski.

Dear Goldfish,
orwell 1984 stalin?

Actually, as much as I love Orwell, and I do, I’ve always thought that he stole a lot of the background for 1984 from Stalin’s Soviet Union. If you read Solzhenitsyn’s The Gulag Archipelago, the comparisons are plain as day.

Dear Goldfish,
did hitler outlaw fish bowls?

I have no idea. Why would he do that? Just to be evil? Fair enough. Hitler was pretty damn evil. He might have liked to see goldfish flopping around without bowls just for the hell of it, the sick bastard.

Dear Goldfish,
does money grow on trees?

Yes, I wrote about a money tree growing in Canada here… Pardon me for a moment; my filthy assistant is trying to get my attention even though I’m clearly busy.

[What do you mean the government is on the phone? … oh. What do you mean shut down?… oh.]

Thanks for waiting. No. There’s no such thing as a money tree in Canada.

Dear Goldfish,
how long does a bugatti take to make bugatti?

How much Bugatti would Bugatti make if Bugatti did Bugatti Bugatti? For the last time, as regards Bugattis, I don’t know. Ask someone who cares.

Well, that’s just about all we have time for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.