Dear Goldfish Part 10

Hello, Internet. Welcome back to Dear Goldfish, the (sort of) weekly series where I answer real questions asked by the internet. The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines with no editing or censoring.

Dear Goldfish,
sun-drop diamond wikipedia?

Well, there was a very rare diamond called the Sun Drop, which sold for over 10 million dollars in November. Strangely, there is no Wikipedia page for it. And even strangely-er, searching for a non-existent sun drop diamond wiki led you here. I have no diamonds, regular or sun drop. Sorry about that.

Dear Goldfish,
things i’m good at?

How should I know what you’re good at? I barely even know what I’m good at (most of the time, I’m good at performing basic body functions–I’m one hell of a blinker). I don’t even know you, so I couldn’t possibly say. You did manage to put an apostrophe in the contraction “I am,” so at least you have that going for you.

Dear Goldfish,
who invented the first toy car?

I have no idea, but I would imagine that the toy car was invented slightly after the real car was. It most likely looked something like this:

That’s a genuine antique $2.9M toy Bugatti made of gold, platinum and diamonds, which incidentally, is more than the real car costs.

Dear Goldfish,
hermione granger year 4?

Oh, please. You make one little crack about how you don’t want to go drinking with Hermione Granger and then you get Harry Pooter questions? Please, for the love of fuck, no. Ask somewhere else. I know nothing about the series at all.

Dear Goldfish,
bacon on turkey instead of basting?

Yes, please. Bacon makes everything better, including turkey. Mmmm bacon.

Dear Goldfish,
chronic insomnia eyes?

What does that even mean?

Dear Goldfish,
smuggling go fast boats?

Hm, generally speaking, go-fast boats do the smuggling; they aren’t smuggled themselves. But I suppose they have to come from somewhere, so maybe they are smuggled at some point. I’m not sure since I’ve never smuggled anything really. At least not anything in a go-fast boat.

Dear Goldfish,
can i live the rest of my life on 50 million?

Yes, you can. This is really a silly question since 50 million is more money than the vast majority of people in the world will ever make in their lifetimes. Of course you can. Some people will live the rest of their lives on $50,000. I discussed how I would live on 50 million here.

Dear Goldfish,
driving songs 21st century?

Well, I suppose it depends on what kind of music you like. I recently discovered that I actually have this song in my collection somehow and I’ve found that it makes for good driving:

Shut up! Smokey and the Bandit is a classic of American cinema. I don’t care what you think.

Dear Goldfish,
list 10 facts on are we becoming dependent on technology?

Instead of listing facts, I’ll ask a question.

Without the modern technological conveniences to which we’ve all become so accustomed, do you know how to do any of the following (without looking it up on the internet first):

  1. Grow things in the ground?
  2. Do first aid without modern medical supplies?
  3. Start a fire without matches?
  4. Build things without power tools?
  5. Purify drinking water?
  6. Smelt metal and blacksmith?
  7. Identify edible plants?
  8. Cook your favorite recipes without a stove, oven or any store-bought ingredients?
  9. Defend yourself?
  10. Not die?

If not, I’d suggest getting some books (not the electronic kind) that tell you how to do all of the preceding. Also, stockpiling water, food, tobacco, liquor and ammunition couldn’t hurt. If nothing else, you can trade for things you need when the zombies come.

Dear Goldfish,
is there a writing pen that you don’t have to press so hard to get to the carbon copy of the check?

That’s a mighty specific question. I’m not sure. There probably is somewhere. If not, might I suggest a writing robot?

The Writing Robot – available in Sky Blue, Rocket Red or Sand Dune.

Dear Goldfish,
what would you do every day if money didn’t matter?

Write. Write and probably write. Challenge rivals to hand-to-hand combat in my customized Thunderdome arena. Sleep. Discover the cure for interplanetary space travel and cancer. Create dragons.


Dear Goldfish,
olde english 800 side effects?

Oh, man. DON’T DO IT. I wrote a cautionary tale of my own personal experiences with Olde English 800 Malt Liquor. Read and learn, people. Just say no.

Dear Goldfish,
золотой унитаз?

That’s Russian and it means “golden toilet?” Why are so many of you seemingly obsessed with gold toilets? I don’t understand. If I had a shit ton of gold, the last thing I would make out of it is something in which I deposited my, well, deposits. That’s just ridiculous. A gold Optimus Prime seems so much more reasonable:

And way more sanitary.

Dear Goldfish,
list of things dogs destroy?

Alright. Things dogs destroy:

  1. Everything.

The end.

For a list of things my dog has destroyed, see Things My Dog Has Destroyed Parts 1 & 2.

Dear Goldfish,
chinese toy soldiers?

Aren’t pretty much all toy soldiers these days made in China along with everything else? Adding Chinese to it just seems a little redundant. Personally, I always preferred G.I. Joe:

G.I. Joe Cobra Commander. Made in China.

Dear Goldfish,
soldiers made in russia?

OK. Here are some Russian soldiers getting their asses handed to them by the Finns in the Winter War:

Not a good time to be a Russian soldier.

Well, that’s just about all we have time for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.