Dear Goldfish Part 3

Welcome back to Dear Goldfish, the series where I answer questions asked by the internet. The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines.

Dear Goldfish,
how to say mollyapple in spanish?

Well, I don’t really speak Spanish. Not really. I took four years of it in school, but that was before I was hit on the head and lost all of my brains. I’ve been trading English words for Spanish ones with the cleaning lady at work. The other day, when it was raining, I held up an umbrella and asked how you say it in Spanish. She gave me sombrilla; I gave her umbrella. But, I wouldn’t be the best person to ask how you say things in Spanish. Apple in Spanish is manzana and Molly is probably Molly since it’s a name. So, it’s most likely said Molly manzana or would it be manzana Molly since they put the adjective after the noun? Wait, which is the noun here – Apple or Molly? Or would it be the more possessive manzana de Molly? See, I told you I wouldn’t be the person to ask.

Dear Goldfish,
make a tombstone for a fish?

Why exactly? Aren’t most fish either flushed down the toilet or eaten when they die? It’s not as if there are fish cemeteries. Alright fine. Here’s a tombstone for a fish:

Dear Goldfish,
back of pirate ships?

What about them? They were usually square with windows where the captain’s cabin was. There was a rudder or some form of steering device, and usually the ship’s name.

This is a Galleon. This is the back of a Galleon.

This is a Galleon. Galleons were used during the golden age of piracy, the late 17th to early 18th century, since they could be used as both a treasure ship and a war ship. For their size, they were very fast. Spain used these a lot to carry treasure back and forth. Well, mostly back. To Spain, that is.

Dear Goldfish,
artist rendering of mice?

Why are you all asking me to be creative today? Don’t you know it’s Friday, the least creative day of the week?

Anyway, it just so happens that I already have detailed artist renderings of mice at the ready from the post Of Mice And Memory.

A detailed artist rendering of what a mouse undergoing fear conditioning might look like.
A detailed artist rendering of what a mouse might look like when it has had its unhappy memories removed.

There you go.

Dear Goldfish,
коричневый кот?

Here we go again with the incompetence of my helpers. Apparently, they think I’m fluent in Russian as well as Arabic and Greek.

stupid, lazy fuckers.

That’s Russian and it means Brown Cat? Well, I don’t know how to answer that really. I have too many animals already, so I’ll pass, thanks. I already have one cat and that’s more than enough. He is mostly brown though, so maybe you’re asking about my cat? You can read about him here. Come to think of it, my dog is mostly brown, too.

Dear Goldfish,
why are we so dependant on technology?

Because it makes our lives easier? That’s my best guess anyway. Washing machines, automobiles, telephones in our pockets, etc. We humans are really lazy and technology just makes it easier for us to be lazy. If it didn’t make our lives easier, we probably wouldn’t use it, unless they made robots that just look cool. I’d use the hell out of a cool looking robot.

Dear Goldfish,
how to give memorable job interviews?

Well, it depends on what you consider memorable. If you dressed as a clown, that would be memorable (unless you were applying for a job as a clown). If you set the interviewer’s hair on fire, they’re likely to remember you as they fill out the police forms from the hospital. If you hopped on one foot the entire time while juggling cats, that would probably make an impression, but none of those things are likely to get you hired (unless you’re applying for a job as a cat juggler). Here’s some quick and dirty advice on a good job interview. Take a shower and wear your best outfit. Don’t eat anything that will make you gassy. Generally speaking, don’t dress as a clown or juggle cats. Most people like cats and hate clowns.

Dear Goldfish,
i would like to avoid in my future jobs?

Um, what? Is that a question? How did I end up giving career advice? I would avoid jobs that require you to dress as a clown or juggle cats.

Dear Goldfish,
attitude towards prius?

HATE. I hate them. I discussed my loathing for these vehicles in the post 10 Things I Hate Part 10. I think Prii are #2 on the list.

Dear Goldfish,
synesthesia “wake up” song?

As I described in the post Synesthesia, I wake up with a song in my head every morning. This morning’s song was Hatebreeders by The Misfits. It’s probably because we’re coming up on Halloween.

Dear Goldfish,
unwrapping a toilet roll?

Excuse me.

What the fuck? Why am I being asked questions like that? Who doesn’t know how to unwrap a roll of toilet paper? Jeezus…

I appreciate the fact that you’re asking. It means that you’re attempting to replace the roll of toilet paper once it’s empty, which is something we should all be doing. Good for you. As far as unwrapping a toilet roll goes, it’s fairly simple: Unwrap the toilet roll, place it on the holder as illustrated below, repeat when roll is empty.

The correct way to replace toilet paper.

Dear Goldfish,
funny tombstone annoying laugh?

Well, that’s just about all we have time for this week. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back next week  for more Dear Goldfish! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.