Hello, Internet. Welcome back to Dear Goldfish, the series where I answer questions asked by the internet. Part one can be found here. The following questions have been submitted by our studio audience. By studio audience, I mean people who typed words into search engines.

Let’s get started, shall we?

Dear Goldfish,
mouse fear memory?

It’s doubtful that mice, or any other living thing, fears memory in and of itself. Memory is pretty helpful. Although we all have one or two (thousand) memories we’d like to forget, the fact that we can remember things at all is good. So, do mice fear memory? Probably not. Do they have fearful memories? Probably. Especially after the scientists in this news story I wrote about did a little fear conditioning on them.

Dear Goldfish,
glossophobia stories?

Yes, I have glossophobia, a fancy word for fear of public speaking, which means I have glossophobia stories. I’ve written glossophobia stories on this blog and that’s all I’m going to say on that subject.

dear american baby jesus,

Hi there. Pardon me for interrupting, but I think you got your columns mixed up. This is Dear Goldfish, not Dear American Baby Jesus. Excuse me…

What’s that?… Jesus wasn’t American? And it’s been over 2000 years since anyone heard from him? Slacker…

Sorry about that. It turns out that not only did this person ask their question to the wrong column, but nobody’s heard from Jesus, who was not even American, in a long, long time, so dear internutter, feel free to ask me instead. I’ll do my best to answer next time.

Dear Goldfish,
map of africa only the big countries?

Now, that’s just mean and discriminatory. The little countries, though they may be small, are countries, too. Size doesn’t matter. You should apologize to the little African countries, whatever they are (I only know the big ones).

Dear Goldfish,
map of africa for children?

Um, dear internet searcher, a map of Africa is the same for children as it is for adults. At least, it ought to be. As far as I know, there’s nothing X-rated, or even R-rated, about a map of the African continent. There isn’t much in this world that’s automatically child-friendly by its very nature, but maps of the continents are generally one of them, no matter how risqué Italy tries to be. Land masses are G-rated, so there’s no need to specify “for children.” Really.

Dear Goldfish,
map of africa with only countries?

You want a map of Africa with only countries? Maps of continents typically contain countries. You want “only countries” as opposed to what exactly? A map with only fluffy anthropomorphic clouds?

Or a map with only baby animals that live there?

A map with only H.R. Geiger’s alien leaping out to eat your face?

Seriously, can you all please stop asking me about Africa now? You write one silly post about Africa, which you even change by removing all the references to Africa because people keep asking all about Africa, yet they still keep asking all about Africa. For the record, I know little to nothing about Africa. Ask elsewhere.

Dear Goldfish,
quotable movie lines?

Well, now, that’s a pretty broad category, isn’t it? Anything in particular you were looking for? Is there a context maybe? We’re going to need a bigger boat? You owe me for one jelly doughnut? I’m Batman? Without a context, dear searcher, I can’t really give you a more specific answer than, “Yes, there are many.” If you’d like more, I wrote down some of my favorite lines from movies here.

Dear Goldfish,
cape sound of music?

Oh, I see. This is one of those game show before and after things, right? Cape Sound and Sound of Music. Very clever. OK, I’ll play along. Let’s see, a phrase that starts with music… music score board. Music score and scoreboard. There you go. Next?

Dear Goldfish,
thumbs up monkey?

Well, I did use this image in the post Free Will:

But that’s not a monkey, it’s an orangutan. There’s a difference. That is a orangutan. This is a monkey:

Dear Goldfish,
yokai parade?

Maybe later. I’m a little busy now trying to answer these questions. Thanks for the offer though.

For those of you who don’t know what a yokai is, click here. You’ll learn something today if I have to kill you. Even though I don’t believe in yokai any more than I believe in Greek mythology, I find them neat since they’re all so different. I’ve talked about yokai before somewhere on this blog, but I’m too lazy to look up where exactly. In the meantime, here’s a yokai parade for your viewing pleasure:

Dear Goldfish,
ray bradbury tattoo?

No, thanks. I’ll pass. Didn’t I already talk about how I don’t really want a literary tattoo? Besides, Ray Bradbury, while a talented author, wasn’t exactly what one would call a “looker.” I certainly wouldn’t want this tattooed on me forever:

Dear Goldfish,
anyone missing a shoe?

Well, I can’t speak for anyone else, but I’m not missing a shoe. I did do laundry last night and came up one sock short, but to my knowledge, all of my shoes are in pairs unless my dog ate one very recently. What type of shoe is it? Is it a left or a right shoe? Is there a reward? If there is, I get half. Let’s ask the audience to see if maybe we can find the owner. It can’t hurt to ask anyway: anyone missing a shoe?

Dear Goldfish,
pets designed disk on key?

What? Excuse me…

What is that supposed to mean? Anyone?… No? Damn, you’re all bloody useless. Go back to sleep, assholes.

I’m sorry, but I have no idea what that means. My pets haven’t designed anything as far as I know, let alone a “disk on key,” whatever that is. Both of my pets are terrible at doing anything productive at all. If my dog or cat designed something, it would probably look like this:

Dear Goldfish,

سيارة من ذهب?

Once again, my helpers failed to translate a question before handing it to me. Excuse me a moment…

You people are bloody useless, all of you. How many times to I have to tell you to translate this stuff before you hand it to me?

Thanks for waiting. That’s Arabic and it means “a car made ​​of gold?” Sure, I’ll take one, if you’re offering. Thanks. Although, I’m not sure where I’d keep it and the insurance would be astronomically expensive. May I just have the cash value instead?

Dear Goldfish,
onions middle age gold?

OK, seriously, can we stop this now? I can only answer about a dozen of these ridiculous things before I want to bash my head against a wall. I’m done now one way or another. I don’t care what you say. I’m done.

I’m not even sure what that means, but I’m going to say no. Onions are awful, horrible, inedible and toxic as I discussed here. They’re not gold and I have no idea what middle age has to do with anything. Anyway, don’t eat the onions.

Well, that’s just about all we have time for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish in the future! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.