Dear Goldfish,

I am asked a lot of questions by the internet. A lot of them aren’t really directed at me per se, but some random search engine decided that I would have the answer so they shunted them over here. That doesn’t make me any less qualified to answer them. In the spirit of helpfulness and altruism, I’ve decided to answer some of them.

Dear Goldfish,
are we too dependent on technology?

I’m asked this one a lot. It’s probably because I have a post that asks and then answers that exact question. If you’re too lazy to read it, the answer is yes, we are. Do you know how to grow things in the ground? And I don’t mean some rhododendron with a sprinkler system, but real food like steak. Do you know how to make flour? Or even coffee without a coffeemaker? These are all things I don’t know. I figure when the world ends, I’ll just look it up on the internet. Excuse me for a moment…

…what do you mean, no internet? … Oh.

I’m sorry, but I’ve just been informed that when the world ends, the internet probably will, too. It would be a good idea if we looked these things up now, say, before the internet is gone. So, everyone go research one post apocalyptic skill now and print it out on paper just in case. I’ll be counting on you to figure out how to make butter when the time comes.

Dear Goldfish,
how to be reasonable?

Hm. Well, that’s not really a sentence at all. It’s not really a question either. I’m going to assume you meant to ask me how does one behave like a reasonable humanoid? The good news is, I have the answer. In fact, I’ve already written the answer in a handy reference list called The Rules: Or How to Be A Reasonable Human. I haven’t actually created a wallet-sized version of the rules yet, but you could always tattoo them on your thigh. It might work on a T-shirt, too.

Dear Goldfish,
how to know my future?

Again with the that’s-not-really-a-question questions. Does anyone on the internet speak English? Fine. Let’s assume that you are asking me how you can know your future. That’s easy. The best way to find out what happens to you in the future is to live it. Forget crystal balls, tarot cards, psychic predictions; they’re all junk. If you want to know what’s going to happen to you in 10 years, I’d suggest that you live through the next 9 years and 12 months to find out. Shhh, it’s a secret.

Dear Goldfish,
who invented the desk-sized stapler?

Well, my dear internet friend, you have come to the right place. This blog is a compendium of facts on the late Stap brothers, inventors of both the mega industrial-size and desk-sized staplers. Their history can be found here, and photographic evidence of the Staps pictured with the very first stapler can be found here.

Dear Goldfish,
my gold fish died – – -where to find the book?

I’m sorry to hear that, but I have no idea where your book is. I am not your goldfish; I am merely a goldfish, and as such, I am neither dead nor in possession of “the book,” whatever book that may be. There might be a book out there that tells you where to find it.

Dear Goldfish,
how to draw map of africa?

Why would you want to draw a map of Africa when you can just go find one on the internet? There are tons of them already drawn. We don’t need more amateur cartographers. Alright, fine, say you lost a bet and you have to draw a map of Africa. Do an image search for Africa and then draw that. Good luck.

Dear Goldfish,
how would you describe a laugh?

Well, a laugh is a spontaneous, usually subconscious, noise and movement in response to something that you find amusing. It can also be an act of derision. I can’t really describe it any better than that. I did describe my laugh here if that helps.

Dear Goldfish,
when you don’t want to be a follower but aren’t a leader either?

Is that even a question? What about it? If you have to ask, you’re probably not a leader. That’s actually how most people are. Leaders are rare, but so are straight-up followers (at least I hope). Most people fall somewhere in the middle. As Yoda Shakespeare said, “neither a leader nor a follower be.”

Dear Goldfish,
what cities in california have never had a natural disaster?

That is an excellent question, my internet inquirer. I don’t actually know the answer to that, so I will say, none of them. This is California. We have earthquakes every day. There was one just last night. If you happen to live in a part of California that isn’t near a fault line (if there is one), you’ll still get to experience rampant forest fires and mudslides. Yay!

Dear Goldfish,
trees that look like mice?

Excuse me a moment…

What the fuck? What in the name of concrete is wrong with these people? That’s not even a sentence! How the fuck am I supposed to answer that?… Wait, how much money?… Oh… Goddamitsomuch. Fine, I’ll try to play fucking nice, but can’t you screen this shit a little better?

I’m back. Sorry about that. OK, the nice internet person asked trees that look like mice? Is that correct? I have no idea how to answer that so I’ll just write a haiku:

trees that look like mice
goldfish circling in the bowl
what the shitting fuck?

Dear Goldfish,
βιβλια για την ανατομια του?

Excuse me a moment…

What is that? It’s clearly not English. Can you people be bothered to translate this shit before you hand it to me and make me look like an idiot? What the fuck am I paying you for?… I’m not paying you? Oh.

Sorry, about that. I had to run that through a translator. Apparently, it’s Greek and it means “books on anatomy of” which isn’t even a question or maybe it is; I don’t know anymore. Anyway, I have no books on anatomy here. I do have a copy of Gray’s Anatomy at home, but it’s written in English, not Greek. Good luck with your failing economy, Greek person.

Dear Goldfish,
why do they call goldfish goldfish?

I’m sorry, but can we stop this now? These questions aren’t nearly as non-spastic as I thought they would be. Apparently, my audience is on the slow side. Can we stop for today? When do I get paid?

Really? Could it have something to do with the fact that they are fish and are a golden color? Nah, that couldn’t be it. I don’t know. Maybe it’s because they’re made of gold?

Well, that’s just about all we have time for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish in the future! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.