Hello, Internet. Welcome back to Dear Goldfish, the (not even close to) weekly series where I answer real questions asked by our studio audience, in other words, you. The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines with no editing or censoring.
Dear Goldfish,
Baby jesus?
When did I become the expert on baby Jesus? In the last 7 days, 101 of you have searched for him only to wind up here, and that’s not including the rest of you who can’t spell nor the 22 of you who typed Jesus baby.
I hate to break it to you, but I’m an atheist and there is no baby here, Jesus or otherwise. I’d recommend looking for Jesus elsewhere.
Dear Goldfish,
what makes me awesome?
How should I know? I don’t even know who you are or that you are, in fact, awesome. Using the internet as a Magic 8 Ball sort of makes you awesome though. From now on, I’m going to ask the internet everything.
Dear Goldfish,
a quote from my favorite movie?
I have absolutely no idea what your favorite movie is, so here’s one from mine.
I have seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die…
Dear Goldfish,
mexico land of beauty where gardenias grow?
México is very pretty. I’m not sure about the gardenias, but suddenly, I have a craving for one of those froufrou fruity umbrella drinks.
Dear Goldfish,
should all homes have a dog?
I don’t think so. There are some people who just aren’t suited to having pets, dogs in particular, since they’re a lot of work.
Dear Goldfish,
the word for the unexplainable want to jump of a cliff when standing on one?
I don’t think there’s one word specifically for this phenomenon. Some people who suffer acrophobia, fear of heights, have expressed an inexplicable urge to jump from high places. The French have a phrase that covers it: l’appel du vide or the call of the void. Don’t ask me why I know that (because I have no idea).
Dear Goldfish,
i am a wallrous cocokasho?
Okay then. Good for you. Go on with your badass wallrous cocokasho self then.
Dear Goldfish,
if i know about my future ?
I would recommend giving up on that quest. Instead of trying to know your future, how about working towards having a better one?
Dear Goldfish,
batman coat of arms?
I’m not sure if the Wayne family has a coat of arms, and honestly, I don’t care enough to find out, but Batman has this, which is pretty close to a coat of arms:
Dear Goldfish,
funny drawings of dogs biting people?
That’s not funny.
Dear Goldfish,
depression sucks?
Yes. Yes, it does. Very much.
Dear Goldfish,
attrape rêve tatouage avec fleur?
I have no idea what that says. Google Translate to the rescue! “Dream catcher tattoo with flower.”
Good god. Now this ridiculous dream catcher tattoo trend has spread to France? Stop that.
Dear Goldfish,
burying a dead body?
Seriously? You’re asking the internet how to do that? There are some fucked up people out there. Get a shovel, dude.
Dear Goldfish,
gold fish i have a dream that this country will rise up?
That’s a really nice dream. I hope it comes true.
Dear Goldfish,
don’t invite me to play games on facebook?
Deal, but the same goes for you. Don’t invite me to play games on Facebook, because I’ll just ignore the requests.
Dear Goldfish,
your life is ending?
Yes, that’s true. Eventually, one day, my life will end, but so will everyone else’s. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, peeps. I’m going to México to get an umbrella drink.
Well, that’s just about all we have time for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!
Fish Of Gold 