This morning, I read an Aussa post about her restraining order expiring. Her restraining order lasted three years, mine was only good for one, but I still have it. It moves around with me from apartment to apartment, state to state in a file folder labeled “Monster.” As I said in the comments at Aussa’s:

“I still have it and copies of all the police reports. If he tries to kill me again, I figure an expired restraining order from another state might prove he’s a psychotic assclown who attempted to kill me with his bare hands at one point. Better than nothing.

I have no idea where my would-be killer is at this point. I’m overdue for a paranoid internet search. I always feel better knowing where he is as long as he’s not near me.”

Of course, all of this talk about assclowns means that it’s time for another paranoid psychotic assclown search! The main reason I do these searches is for my peace of mind.

Two searches ago, I found out he lived only two hours away from me. I carried a baseball bat wherever it was practicable. I had panic attacks. His proximity was a large part of the reason I got a dog and a gun. Last time I checked, he was in Florida, which made me feel continentally safer.

So, come with me on a tour of the internet to see what we can find about current happenings in the life of a vengeful, unemotional con artist, potential murderer of people and killer of dogs.

Step 1: Search his real name

Type his real full name into a search bar and hit enter:

No, that’s not his real name, but since he did try to kill me on many occasions, he is still out there, and the internet goes both ways, I’m not going to share his real name since I don’t want him to find me or this blog.

It’s been two years since I searched for him. Here’s what I found last time:

“He changes names like people change clothing. He’s got so many pseudonyms that I’m not sure how he knows what to call himself when he wakes up in the morning. From what I can cull from the internet, he seems to have put the violence reserved for me on hold and has become a con artist now. How lovely. I read comment after comment online of scams he’s pulled. The latest complaint was just a couple of weeks ago.”

Since two years have passed and he’s a consummate scam artist, I expected lots of new complaints. Strangely, the search results were nearly the same as last time I did a search two years ago. I mean exactly the same reports from 2013. There was hardly anything new.

My first thought was, “Maybe he’s dead,” but that was wishful thinking. That asshole will outlive us all, because as Billy Joel wisely says, only the good die young. This is provably true in my life since both the pedophile and the psychotic assclown are still alive (and not in prison), while the love of my life died four months ago.

Step 2: Search known pseudonyms

Sadly, he didn’t die in a very slow fire after an explosion at the shrapnel factory. In fact, he’s not dead at all. His father is though. He died last year. I even found the obituary and the funeral home’s virtual guest book, which he did not sign.

His father is dead, but that information isn’t really helpful in placing assclown’s current whereabouts.  So, I started looking up all his known aliases. There are a lot of them. At least a dozen that I know of, but he’s been using the same one since last I searched. Strange.

Step 3: Uncover LIES

Here are some lies he tells about himself that I was able to uncover in all of 3 minutes:

He grew up in inner city Detroit.

Nope. He grew up far, far from Detroit in the backwoodsy suburbs out past the suburbs.

He has a master’s degree.

He never graduated from high school. He never even got his GED. Too bad they don’t give master’s degrees in psychopathy.

He is a famous artist.

A famous scam artist maybe.

He is an artist.

Nope. He makes photocopies of other people’s photos on tracing paper, carbon copies that to a canvas and paints it like a goddamn paint by numbers coloring book. There’s absolutely nothing original about his “art” or him in general.

Several famous museums have purchased his paintings.

Hahahahahaha. If you’re going to lie, you should probably not lie about something so easy to check. This also applies to the master’s degree.

He saw someone get shot right in front of him.

Nope. That happened to me. He’s still stealing my stories all these years later.

Step 4: Discover current whereabouts

As far as I can tell, he’s been using the same fake name in Florida for three years, which might be a new record. Perhaps as he’s gotten older, the life of a bona fide snake oil salesman has lost its charm. Perhaps he’s run out of scams to run or he’s just gotten better at keeping people from complaining about him on the internet. Perhaps he should die horribly in a fire.

The worst discovery this time around? He has a Twitter account and he just posted something 13 minutes ago. 13 minutes ago, the asshole who nearly killed me tweeted something. Instead of being in jail, he’s on Twitter with over 3,000 followers. Go fucking figure.

The fact that he has 3,000 followers isn’t all that surprising. Like other psycho killers (e.g. Ted Bundy), he is, in fact, quite charming. As people who have real, not pretending-on-the-internet master’s degrees choose a field of study, his field of study was people.

I sometimes forget that he was quite skilled at appearing to be a real person, not a monster. I’m more likely to remember his fists flying towards my face or his fingers wringing my neck as he shouted, “Die, bitch!” Repeated attempted murder tends to override charm in one’s recollections.

Step 5: Move on again

I’m left with the small consolation that he’s geographically nowhere near me; the taste of bile in my mouth at the thought that he is and always has been free; and a sense of fury at the injustice of this universe that will not be subdued until, one day, I do a search and find his obituary.