Last week, I asked you for some words in order to win a prize. Well, I’ve lackadaisically slapped your words into a bit of story I wrote from The Dwarf Making Sweet, Sweet Love To The Skeleton Part 6. Here’s the original text.

Oren has his fingers in every pocket in this city. Nobody knows more about goons than he does. His legal businesses are night clubs. His illegal businesses include high-stakes gambling, gun running, information retrieval and trading, and making people disappear. Not the magic trick type of disappear where they’re just hiding in a small compartment (tada!), but the disappear forever type. If I wanted to hire some goons, I’d go to him and so would everyone else in the know. If these are hired goons, Oren will know about it.

And without further ado, here are your brilliant bits of fiction in the order in which they were received (with my comments at the end of each). Please, vote for your favorite at the end. Voting will stay open all weekend and the winner will be announced on Monday.

 Paul Curan

Wolfgang has his fingers in every kumquat in Bombay. Nobody knows more about horseshoes than he does. His legal businesses are shiny apples. His illegal businesses include insecticidal flying, insect advertising, Prallethrin retrieval and trading, and making bugs dispatch. Not the magic 2-methyl-4-oxo-3-prop-2-yn-1-ylcyclopent-2-en-1-yl 2,2-dimethyl-3-(2-methylprop-1-en-1-yl) cyclopropanecarboxylate type of dispatch where they’re just animating in an active pyrethroid (tada!), but the dispatch forever type. If I wanted to evaluate some pesticides, I’d go to India and so would everyone else in the know. If these are Pyrethroid insecticides, Wolfgang will know about it.

Magic 2-methyl-4-oxo-3-prop-2-yn-1-ylcyclopent-2-en-1-yl 2,2-dimethyl-3-(2-methylprop-1-en-1-yl) cyclopropanecarboxylate is the best kind of 2-methyl-4-oxo-3-prop-2-yn-1-ylcyclopent-2-en-1-yl 2,2-dimethyl-3-(2-methylprop-1-en-1-yl) cyclopropanecarboxylate.

Amusing Nonsense

Fontleroy has his fingers in every circus performer in The Gynecology School for the Blind. Nobody knows more about lasers than he does. His legal businesses are moist tentacle monsters. His illegal businesses include slimy fapping, mute ventriloquist singing, astrophysicist orangutan retrieval and trading, and making vibrators pantomime. Not the magic Cthulhu type of pantomime where they’re just swimming in an absurd janitor (tada!), but the pantomime forever type. If I wanted to dry hump some dill pickles, I’d go to Inappropriately Themed Bordello and so would everyone else in the know. If these are stinky policeman-officers, Fontleroy will know about it.

Obviously, the best place to dry hump pickles is at Inappropriately Themed Bordello.

To Breathe Is To Write

Elton Merriweather has his fingers in every computer in the bathroom. Nobody knows more about headphones than he does. His legal businesses are mysterious tigers. His illegal businesses include grumpy pacing, car talking, mountain retrieval and trading, and making clouds yawn. Not the magic mouse type of yawn where they’re just laughing in a witty cat (tada!), but the yawn forever type. If I wanted to escape some blogs, I’d go to the bathroom and so would everyone else in the know. If these are brave dogs, Elton Merriweather will know about it.

I’d like to trade a mountain for a mysterious tiger.

Fantasies of A Forlorn Fairy

Mr. Fluffyknickers has his fingers in every Mr. Fluffyknickers’ Fluffy Knickers in Too-da-loo, Kansas. Nobody knows more about hussies than he does. His legal businesses are turgid sphincters. His illegal businesses include bouncy thrusting, virgin plunging, fart retrieval and trading, and making knickers scramble. Not the magic hussy type of scramble where they’re just farting in a curvy bottom (tada!), but the scramble forever type. If I wanted to girate some Mr. Fluffyknickers’ fluffy knickers, I’d go to Bizarre, Kansas and so would everyone else in the know. If these are dimpled titties, Mr. Fluffyknickers will know about it.

Mr. Fluffyknickers has a booming business in fart retrieval and trading.

That Cynking Feeling

Hugo has his fingers in every humidor in Hoboken. Nobody knows more about horns than he does. His legal businesses are hypoallergenic hillbillies. His illegal businesses include hideous hinging, hacky-sack hyperventilating, hairpin retrieval and trading, and making hydrangeas hug. Not the magic harpoon type of hug where they’re just hailing in a hellacious hobo (tada!), but the hug forever type. If I wanted to hide some holes, I’d go to Hawaii and so would everyone else in the know. If these are henpecked hyperdrives, Hugo will know about it.

Awww, the hug forever type.

Nerd In The Brain

Zaphod has his fingers in every zombie in Night Vale. Nobody knows more about sausages than he does. His legal businesses are plump toes. His illegal businesses include rancid slurping, limited edition He-Man action figure chirping, cage retrieval and trading, and making bananas vomit. Not the magic brain type of vomit where they’re just gurgling in an enormous singular and mysterious toenail clipping (tada!), but the vomit forever type. If I wanted to investigate some boa constrictors, I’d go to Area 51 and so would everyone else in the know. If these are abominable slinkies, Zaphod will know about it.

Gurgling in an enormous, singular and mysterious toenail clipping seems like a reasonable thing to do.

Caron Dann

Trevor has his fingers in every kangaroo in Woolloomooloo. Nobody knows more about cockatoos than he does. His legal businesses are cheeky platapuses. His illegal businesses include charming gamboling, wombat ruining, billabong retrieval and trading, and making swags swing. Not the magic dunny type of swing where they’re just jumping in a whiskery boomarang (tada!), but the swing forever type. If I wanted to run some emus, I’d go to back o’ Bourke and so would everyone else in the know. If these are hilarious jackaroos, Trevor know about it.

Why ya ruinin’ wombats, Trevor?

Fannie Frankfurter

Crispin Glover has his fingers in every teat in the planetarium. Nobody knows more about thongs than he does. His legal businesses are crepuscular invisibility cloaks. His illegal businesses include sensual smoking, butt drinking, maple syrup retrieval and trading, and making beards pluck. Not the magic cupcake type of pluck where they’re just sleeping in a ghoulish buzzard (tada!), but the pluck forever type. If I wanted to prance some unicorns, I’d go to Waffle House and so would everyone else in the know. If these are crusty ascots, Crispin Glover will know about it.

I always prance my unicorns at Waffle House, preferably with magic cupcakes.

Tessa

Andrew has his fingers in every car in Hawaii. Nobody knows more about shoes than he does. His legal businesses are red gloves. His illegal businesses include sunny dancing, horse shooting, cat retrieval and trading, and making houses run. Not the magic wand type of run where they’re just singing in a clean car (tada!), but the run forever type. If I wanted to whistle some hats, I’d go to Bermuda and so would everyone else in the know. If these are shiny unicorns, Andrew will know about it.

I don’t know about Andrew, but I definitely think those are shiny unicorns.

Evil Squirrel’s Nest

Balzac has his fingers in every dipstick in Uranis. Nobody knows more about rutabagas than he does. His legal businesses are sleazy corncobs. His illegal businesses include gargantuan screwing, possum heaving, spleen retrieval and trading, and making beers lick. Not the magic cheese type of lick where they’re just celebrating in a pompous goat (tada!), but the lick forever type. If I wanted to ruin some bushes, I’d go to Bangkok and so would everyone else in the know. If these are runny peanut butter sandwiches, Balzac will know about it.

I, for one, am all for possum heaving. Also, celebrating in a pompous goat.

Snoskred

Bruce Guy has his fingers in every pony in Belize. Nobody knows more about kittens than he does. His legal businesses are sparkly nappies. His illegal businesses include enormous snorkling, horse clucking, chicken retrieval and trading, and making goats buy. Not the magic nitrogen type of buy where they’re just scuba-diving in a large Oprah Winfrey (tada!), but the buy forever type. If I wanted to write some glasses, I’d go to Albuquerque and so would everyone else in the know. If these are pale hippies, Bruce Guy will know about it.

Scuba-diving in a large Oprah Winfrey is not on my bucket list.

Sincerely Kate

Nathanial has his fingers in every Tang in the driveway. Nobody knows more about Barbie dolls than he does. His legal businesses are polka dot Pez dispensers. His illegal businesses include manly frolicking, paper plate stalking, mailbox retrieval and trading, and making bushes primp. Not the magic pipe cleaners type of primp where they’re just dancing in a massive washi tape (tada!), but the primp forever type. If I wanted to jump some popcorn kernels, I’d go to Chuck E. Cheese and so would everyone else in the know. If these are hairy Popsicle sticks, Nathanial will know about it.

Frolicking in a manly way is the only way to frolic.

Knocked Over By A Feather

Edwin Bubblewrap has his fingers in every frog in Uranis. Nobody knows more about dingleberries than he does. His legal businesses are mushy elephants. His illegal businesses include gaseous spilling, sneaker spawning, hamper retrieval and trading, and making hashtags zip. Not the magic elevator type of zip where they’re just barfing in a prickly beetroot (tada!), but the zip forever type. If I wanted to itch some jelly beans, I’d go to Pizza Hut and so would everyone else in the know. If these are bubbly kisses, Edwin Bubblewrap will know about it.

I prefer non-mushy elephants, thanks.

Bumblepuppies

Elvis has his fingers in every toilet in Hell. Nobody knows more about gorillas than he does. His legal businesses are adorable swans. His illegal businesses include postmodern juggling, dollar fabricating, tomato retrieval and trading, and making boobs smoke. Not the magic toenail type of smoke where they’re just sleeping in a spicy calculator (tada!), but the smoke forever type. If I wanted to slap some grenades, I’d go to Pompeii and so would everyone else in the know. If these are logical shrubberies, Elvis will know about it.

Pompeii is as good a place to slap grenades as any I suppose.

Muddy River Muse

Winston Churchill has his fingers in every dolly in the play place at McDonald’s. Nobody knows more about eggplants than he does. His legal businesses are fluffy bicycles. His illegal businesses include prickly procrastinating, elbow catering, toaster retrieval and trading, and making taxes chant. Not the magic kumquat type of chant where they’re just whimpering in a red mailbox (tada!), but the chant forever type. If I wanted to paint some knees, I’d go home and so would everyone else in the know. If these are vapid fleas, Winston Churchill will know about it.

Stop whimpering in that red mailbox, Winston Churchill.

Running Heartless

Boris the Soviet Love Hammer has his fingers in every unicorn in Kalamazoo. Nobody knows more about ninja kittens than he does. His legal businesses are slimy pirate squirrels. His illegal businesses include engorged leaking, unnaturally shaped boob squatting, zombie snowman retrieval and trading, and making invisible babies cook. Not the magic toenail type of cook where they’re just burning in a smokey kung foo master bunny (tada!), but the cook forever type. If I wanted to devise some giant mice, I’d go to Disney World and so would everyone else in the know. If these are lonely warrior ducklings, Boris the Soviet Love Hammer will know about it.

Boris the Soviet Love Hammer is an expert on ninja kittens and lonely warrior ducklings.

Mental In The Midwest

Jeremiah Longfellow has his fingers in every kiwi in The Outer Banks of Upper Mongolia. Nobody knows more about prophylacti than he does. His legal businesses are pink nipple rings. His illegal businesses include slimy blinking, trouser masticating, table saw retrieval and trading, and making a lovely bunch of coconuts paint. Not the magic polka dot suspenders type of paint where they’re just massaging in a delicate iced coffee (tada!), but the paint forever type. If I wanted to walk some octopi, I’d go to the nether regions of a renegade yak and so would everyone else in the know. If these are luminous selfies, Jeremiah Longfellow will know about it.

It’s a good thing I don’t want to walk some octopi.

Not Quite Alice

Alistair has his fingers in every dinosaur in Helsinki. Nobody knows more about scorpions than he does. His legal businesses are cultured tadpoles. His illegal businesses include scaley escalating, tea grasping, willy retrieval and trading, and making umbrellas jaunt. Not the magic donkey type of jaunt where they’re just announcing in a guttural George (tada!), but the jaunt forever type. If I wanted to switch some balls, I’d go to shire and so would everyone else in the know. If these are ruddy pencils, Alistair will know about it.

Those poor Helsinki dinosaurs.

The Cutter Rambles

Horace has his fingers in every whore in the dirtiest whorehouse in North Carolina. Nobody knows more about pimps than he does. His legal businesses are filthy colostomy bags. His illegal businesses include insightful whoring, Horace’s dirty whore of a mother flipping, sandbox retrieval and trading, and making children giggle. Not the magic pig type of giggle where they’re just blinking in a dreary donkey (tada!), but the giggle forever type. If I wanted to stimulate some helicopters, I’d go to the bedroom of Horace’s dirty whore of a mother and so would everyone else in the know. If these are snarky whores, Horace will know about it.

I prefer the magic pig type of giggle.

Breathing Space

Special Agent Seely Booth has his fingers in every rocking horse in outer space. Nobody knows more about pumpkins than he does. His legal businesses are extra large picture frames. His illegal businesses include comical galupmhing, toddler singing, placemat retrieval and trading, and making mailboxes jump. Not the magic steak knife type of jump where they’re just giggling in a sky blue pink pancake (tada!), but the jump forever type. If I wanted to kick some swimming pools, I’d go to somebody’s backyard and so would everyone else in the know. If these are delicious knee socks, Special Agent Seely Booth will know about it.

I don’t see why comical galumphing is illegal.

Starfish Skies

Spock has his fingers in every jellyfish in Capetown. Nobody knows more about astronauts than he does. His legal businesses are ephemeral stingrays. His illegal businesses include bespectacled meandering, Molly the suffragette tossing, axolotl retrieval and trading, and making overalls giggle. Not the magic flamingo type of giggle where they’re just howling in a fragile squib (tada!), but the giggle forever type. If I wanted to scrub some monkeys, I’d go to Egypt and so would everyone else in the know. If these are fabulous soups, Spock will know about it.

Poor Molly the suffragette.

Vote for your favorite

I asked you to make me laugh and I’d say you succeeded. I’m so glad I make you vote, because I’d have a hard time choosing my favorite. I think I might have to rewrite my story now using some of your answers. Thanks for playing along.

Now vote!