A long time ago, I told y’all that I was embarking on a role playing game mission to stop a witch from freezing everything.

Well, I never did give you a much clamored-for update on our progress. Alright, so no one came close to clamoring, but here’s an update anyway. Take it and like it! Or you can, you know, not read it if that’s your thing.

Last time we talked about this, my little party hadn’t even created our characters yet. My thoughts were that I wanted to be a hunter, warpriest, druid or slayer. I also said I wanted a bear as an animal companion.

None of that happened except for the bear. I do, in fact, have a bear animal companion and he kicks ass.

Well, to be truthful, he really doesn’t really kick much ass yet. For the entirety of one fight, he got stuck in a barn; this was my fault since I taught him to “attack” before I taught him to “come.” In another, when our opponents were floating twenty feet in the air and refused to come down and fight like men, his whole contribution to the melee was to “growl menacingly” since bears don’t have much in the way of ranged attacks. He might not kick much ass, but he’s got heart.

Instead of being a hunter, warpriest, druid or slayer, I ended up as a barbarian, which careful readers will notice is not anywhere on the list of things I wanted to be. Not only did I become a barbarian, but I am a 7.5 foot tall Orc barbarian with Frost Giant‘s blood, which makes me sort of blueish-green. How did that happen? Well, I’m not really sure except that our party didn’t have an asskicker, so I volunteered.

If you know nothing about fantasy/dork type things, Orcs are incredibly ugly, not very nice and kind of dumb. They look something like this:

So, that’s me, but without the flag (a real Orc would never carry a flag when he could carry a weapon instead), and I’m even bigger and more blue ’cause of the Giant’s blood.

Even though Orcs are ill-mannered, ill-tempered and not very smart, they are excellent at smashing things. Because I’m Orc (not no sissy half-Orc neither), I have something called Orc ferocity where I can continue hurting things when most players would be unconscious.

I’m also male, because why wouldn’t I be? Men are bigger and stronger in this game, and I play a woman in the real world. Boring.

This is my first straight-up fighter character. The closest I’ve come before was a cleric, a half-wizard, half-fighter type. Clerics suck at the fighting compared to barbarians. Actually, fighters suck at fighting compared to barbarians.

Even when I’m not raging (when I get really angry, I get extra powers like the Incredible Hulk), I’m ridiculous strong. As long as I hit what I’m aiming at, I do massive damage.

My favorite weapon? A great club. Do you know what a great club is? It’s a stick. A very big stick. I can kill in one blow with a stick. Beat that.

Even though I thought it would be rather boring playing a dumb smashing lug, I’m kind of digging it. I don’t have to negotiate, remember spells or heal anyone. All I have to do is smash things with a big fucking stick. It’s liberating and quite cathartic.

And, because I’m a mad dog barbarian archetype, I get to have an animal companion. Originally, I was going to name my bear Nanuk (bear in Inuit), but then I forgot that I also needed to name myself. I wanted something that went well with the bear’s name, so at the last second, I named us Kodos and Kang.

Anyone get the reference?

No?

Not even with the “miniature American flags” reference on my about page that I dropped there on day one?

Oh my, how you all entirely suck.

Kodos and Kang are alien characters from The Simpsons back when The Simpsons were still watchable. My favorite parts are this election stump speech Kodos and Kang give in front of a crowd…