I work in an industrial type area. There’s not a single restaurant within a half a mile, which really sucks for coworkers without cars. Nestled in this industrial area is my company and a Sky Zone Indoor Trampoline Park. I hate Sky Zone and here’s why. FYI: this is a rant, so expect a lot of swearing.

Holidays

On regular days, the place is a ghost town. There are maybe a dozen cars out front. However, every time there’s a holiday, it’s a goddamn zoo. The area becomes lousy with children. This week is spring break for schools, which means all friggin’ week, Sky Zone has been vomiting children onto the street.

All this does is remind me that I don’t have a day off, let alone a whole week.

Screaming

Children scream a lot. Can someone explain why that is? I can’t. Children scream when they’re happy, scared, excited, bored, hurt, etc. Having a Sky Zone within ear shot means that all day long, I get to hear the dulcet tones of screaming children.

Leaf blowers

My company is just across the parking lot from Sky Zone. When there’s no one there, which there usually isn’t, we’re allowed to park on their side of the parking lot.

When I took my car to the dealership a few weeks ago, they washed it for me. I am so entirely unused to having a clean car that, when I do, I like to keep it that way as long as possible.

Two days after it was washed, those assholes at Sky Zone used leaf blowers on the sidewalk. Instead of blowing the dirt to the side, they blew it right at the cars parked there. Being a rather warm day, I left my windows and sunroof cracked. When I came out to my car, not only was there dirt all over the outside, but there was a fine layer of dirt covering the inside as well. Assholes.

Private parking

And, speaking of parking, my company doesn’t have enough. When Sky Zone is busy, not only do their guest take up all the parking on their side of the parking lot, but they take our parking as well.

We have a big sign that says parking for our building only, but these people either can’t read or don’t care. Whenever I come back from lunch on a holiday, it’s pretty much guaranteed that my company-owned parking spot will be filled with a minivan.

One day, a minivan was actually waiting for me to get in my car. I pointed at the no parking sign and she moved along. When I came back from lunch, the same stupid minivan was parked in my spot anyway, because walking is hard and fuck rules.

Willy-nilly parking

Being an industrial area, there are a lot of shipping bays around. The Sky Zone patrons who can’t find a regular parking spot will park anywhere. In shipping bays, private parking spots, sidewalks, sideways… wherever and however.

Sometimes, you can’t even drive through the gauntlet to to the exit since these jackasses will park any old way.

Let’s just stop for no reason

On foot or in their cars, these people just stop. They’ll be crossing the street and just stop moving like their batteries ran out. They’ll be at the head of a line of cars and stop. Why? I don’t know, but they do it all the time.

The other day, at 5 pm when us regular work-a-day schlubs were trying to leave for the day, there was an asshole minivan blocking the exit while its driver conversed with someone on foot like they were having high tea at The Russian Tea Room instead of blocking the only exit. She was totally oblivious to the line of honking horns behind her. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY, BREEDER. Chat on your own time.

Feral children

You have to be insanely careful driving around the parking lot since children will just run right out in front of you. One of my coworkers nearly hit a child a couple of months ago. Fortunately, she was driving very slowly, but the mother blamed my coworker for nearly flattening her offspring rather than herself for letting it run into traffic like a goddamn wild deer.

Entitled parents

My child wants to go to Sky Zone, so fuck you for having to work around here. I don’t care if this is your parking spot. I don’t care that you’re just trying to get out of the parking lot to go home at 5 pm. My child is special. Nothing is more important than my child, especially not you and your no parking signs. Pshaw.

That seems to be the attitude that a lot of these shitbag parents have.

Trampolines

Trampolines. Really? My sister and I had a mini trampoline and it was fun until we realized that, surprisingly, jumping up and down for hours on end isn’t actually the most exciting thing in the world after all. Maybe we just weren’t screaming enough.

Sky Zone’s whole business model is screaming children jumping up and down. That’s it. That’s all they do there.

I really don’t like children

The older I get, the more I dislike them. They’re snotty, sniveling, oblivious, screaming meatbags. Their idea of fun is screaming while jumping up and down. That’s not my idea of fun.

I also really hate Sky Zone and spring break. Fortunately, those little meatbags will be back in school come Monday.