I don’t believe in horoscopes. I think it’s ridiculous that anyone could predict what’s going to happen to 1/12 of the population based only on the day and time they were born. That said, for shits and giggles, I decided to look mine up this week, and it has proved remarkably prescient. Who knew?

Sunday

You will embark on a personal project that is important to your career, perhaps putting your résumé together or building an online portfolio. It will take up all your time, but don’t forget to take care of yourself. Eating is important. If you have pets, you might forget to buy them food. Do not forget to buy dog food.

Monday

Beware of coworkers; they intend to sabotage you. You will want to continue your personal project, but your coworkers will saddle you with a last-minute job that they knew about last week, but didn’t tell you about. You will spend all day rushing to finish something you might have had a week to do had your coworkers not sucked donkey balls.

Tuesday

Tuesday will your most social day. You forgot to buy dog food, so today will be spent rushing around from place to place putting out work and personal fires, but it will have a satisfying end. You will begin an adventure and explode a zombie’s head using only a stick. You will meet a bear who will become your companion.

Wednesday

Coworkers will sabotage you again when they force a last-minute project on you that they’ve had six months to plan for. You will have no choice but to follow through. This project will take at least two days of your time, has little to do with your job and will be mind-numbingly boring. All you can do is hope that they get caught for their ineptitude. A friend will send you a message asking where you are and you won’t even have time to respond to it.

Thursday

You will continue working on the only laterally related work project, which is still incredibly boring and a total waste of your skills. You will have no time for personal projects. Get a good night’s sleep.

Friday

You will look back and wryly laugh at the irony of saying only last week that you spend most of your time slacking off. There will be no more slacking. You are now a full week behind on your regular work, because your coworkers are treacherous finger-pointers with zero planning skills.

Saturday

Spend some time finishing that personal project, but get plenty of rest. You’ll need it for the back-stabbing work weeks to come. Get your personal portfolio and résumé done, and look for a new job. Outlook is unclear, but with any luck, you’ll find one. Almost anything has got to be better than your current job.