Today is one day (among many) when I hate being an American (or Japanese or Canadian or any of the other countries that have picked up this ridiculous tradition). Today, is Valentine’s Day in America.

Why do I hate Valentine’s Day? Well, for one, I’ve always had terrible Valentine’s Days. Much like my birthday–I’m a standing member of the Bad Birthday Club–Valentine’s Day is a day when bad things tend to happen. I’ve been dumped, kicked, beaten, sexually abused and stood up for a romantic date on V-Day. I even have a copy of a police report with that date written on it.

Two of my previous paramours decided that Valentine’s Day was a perfectly reasonable date to end our relationships. I can’t say that I exactly blame them since I haven’t always been a very good girlfriend. In fact, I’m really bad at it. Still, the timing could have been better. And that’s not including the times I was dumped slightly before or slightly after February 14th.

Second, I hate Valentine’s Day because it’s a ridiculous holiday. Really, think about it. Why must we buy crap for our significant other to prove our love? Does a $2 box of chocolates really prove one’s devotion? Actions speak louder than chocolates and flowers.

Third, I really am not fond the gender bias of the stupid holiday. Just last night at the dog park, someone asked me what Male and I do for V-Day. When I said “nothing,” he said, “Oh, come on. All women secretly want their significant others to fawn all over them even when they say they don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day.” Not only is the sentiment untrue, but the “all” part of it pissed me right off. Do not lump me in with an “all” because it will not end well for you.

Finally, I don’t like the holiday, because it’s mean to all the single people out there. It’s rubbing their noses in togetherness. I’ve been single a lot on V-Day and it’s not much fun seeing all those reminders of what you don’t have. It makes single people feel like failures. Nobody loves us. Boo hoo. Plus, I really only like holidays when I get days off of work.

For the past few years though, I haven’t entirely hated Valentine’s Day because it is the birthday of my best friend, my closest confidant and constant companion. The one who cheers me up when I’m down and makes me laugh. She has made the day a lot more bearable, because now I have something to celebrate. I truly know unconditional love.

So, happy 4th birthday to my bestest buddy. Here’s to many more years together. It’s been a great four years. From this…

To this…

To this…

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! Here’s to no police reports.