Everyone else is doing it, so I suppose I had better, too, but I’m not showing you my WordPress report, because yawn. Instead, I’ve created my own.

Posts written:

312 (including this). That might be a record, but since I don’t actually keep records, I have no way of knowing. 47 of those were in May alone. What the hell was I on in May?

Most popular post this year:

The Pros & Cons Of Dog Ownership–c 20K views.

Longest streak:

39 days. October 28th – December 5th.

Views:

Twice as many as last year, which was twice as many as the year before that. Woot! Y’all ❤ me.

Views by penguins and/or canines:

43

Number of countries that visited FOG:

183

Freshly Pressed posts:

1 (Note that just a regular post beat my views from being Freshly Pressed. FP ain’t what it used to be.)

Number of times I yelled at WordPress on Twitter:

7

Awkward moments I wrote about:

22

Awkward moments I didn’t write about:

473

Books written:

0

NaBloPoMos attempted:

1

NaBloPoMos won:

1!

New blog series started:

3

Number of men wearing only thongs and socks passed in the hallway at work:

1

Critters drawn:

26

Critters sold:

207–Woo!

Calendars finished:

1.75

Alphabet posters finished:

1!

Hours slept:

Approximately sixty-three hours, forty-seven minutes and ten seconds.

Miles walked:

About seven billion.

Miles walked pushing a wheelchair on carpet while getting shocked:

6.5

Coffee drank:

c 175 gallons

Hugs received:

c 82

Number of times I shouted “SHIT!”:

3 million.

Number of times I shouted “SHIT!” in front of a group of children on Halloween:

1

F-bombs dropped:

29.8 million.

Number of times I butt dialed a Chinese restaurant:

1

Number of times I said, “Who’s that?” in response to some pop culture icon’s name:

4 million.

Number of times I said, “Never seen it,” in response to some movie or TV show:

4 million.

Did I forget anything important? Eh, whatevs. So long, 2014. To quote a brilliant writer (from last year’s shareholder annual report):

“You’re all bloody brilliant, even those of you who read, but don’t comment. I love you all. Well, maybe not love, but feel strongly about you all. Well, maybe not all, but most of you. Next year will be better than this one. Maybe.”

Happy New Year, bitches!

Number of times I called my readers “bitches”:

37