1. Facebook. Once again, Facebook makes my list. And yes, I know this doesn’t have anything to do with the holidays, but it just happened yesterday, so deal. This time, Facebook makes my list because it said that Gold Fish wasn’t my real name and it wouldn’t let me sign on without changing it. On my phone, I tried to trick it into changing it to Goldfish, but I guess I accidentally typed “Fush” instead. I tried to change it again and it said I can’t change it for 60 days. So, I’m “Gold Fush” for two months. Seriously, FUCK YOU, FACEBOOK. I don’t want to use my real name. I have stalkers.
2. Christmas music. Everywhere you go, there it is. With all the amazing music ever made in the world, why is it that for two months out of the year, we have to listen to the same two dozen songs over and over? I am so sick of the same damn music every year that I could claw an elf’s eye out.
3. Jumping the holiday gun. I went to Macy’s in October with my sister for some reason. They had Christmas decorations up before Halloween. Not A Punk Rocker posted a picture yesterday of a Valentine’s Day display up before Christmas. Why don’t we just have a holiday section all year round? You could go buy Christmas stuff in July. That’s where we’re headed.
4. The last-minute rush. I had to go to the store last weekend for some last-minute things I needed for the impending arrival of my parents. Everyone else was there. All of them. Seriously, people, you know Christmas is on December 25th, so why must you still be Christmas shopping on the 21st when I just need to get some cleaning supplies?
5. Shopping jerks. The holidays seem to bring out the worst in us. At the store last weekend, I had three people cut me off in the parking lot and one person steal a parking spot that was rightfully mine. Then, someone cut in line at the register.
6. Fruitcake. Seriously, what is that? Fruit and cake are both delicious on their own, but when you mash them together, it turns into gross. Yet, people still buy it. Ick. I have an hypothesis that there really are only a few fruitcakes in the world. They just keep getting passed from person to person year after year, because nobody wants to eat something older than earth with a denser molecular structure than Osmium. Before there was Homo sapiens, there was fruitcake.
7. The prices. Items that are selling for $5 today will be $2 next week. There’s the Black Friday dip, then prices steadily increase until the 24th. On the 26th, you can buy the same crap for half off. This also applies to travel. My parents are coming out for two weeks because it was cheaper that way. Thanks a lot, airlines, for jacking up your prices around the holidays so I have my family hanging around for thirteen days.
8. The “War On Christmas” nonsense. Seriously, Christians, chill, please. Nobody has started a war on Christmas. If they did, they lost the war since it’s everywhere. We say Happy Holidays so as not to exclude anyone. Also, since New Year’s Eve is one week after Christmas, it gets lumped in there. When I wish someone Happy Holidays, I mean Christmas, Hanukkah, New Year and any other holiday celebrated in the vicinity. Sometimes, I simply mean enjoy your time off. Christians, I say, it’s not all about you. There are other people in the world with other beliefs and that’s okay. Unbunch your panties.
9. Decorating. It seems an awful lot of work for just a few weeks. Since my mom is coming, I went whole hog this year. My sister and I went and got a real tree. Some poor tree was happily living somewhere until some dude chopped it down, dragged it to the city and sold it to some sap (me) for $40. In another few weeks, it will be in the trash. Somehow, that just doesn’t seem right. Poor little tree.
10. This is not a happy time of year for everyone. Since people always have and always will continue to die, regardless of time of year, some people are suffering loss. Some are battling their own demons. Still others are living in war-torn regions or they don’t even have homes. Think a little more about the people who are less fortunate than you are. That’s the real spirit of the holidays.

More Things I Hate.