Hello, Internet. Welcome back to Dear Goldfish, the (not) weekly series where I answer real questions asked by our studio audience, in other words, you. The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines with no editing or censoring.

Dear Goldfish,
tattoos on your butt?

No, thank you. I prefer my behind tattoo-free.

Dear Goldfish,
ridiculous things people say to mentally ill?

Suck it up, sissy.

Dear Goldfish,
burying a body?

Not at the moment. Maybe later.

Dear Goldfish,
goldfish/ and the gay moment?

That sounds like an excellent fictional story, band name or superhero duo.

Dear Goldfish,
list of nouns?

• Fuckwit
• Asshat
• Douchenozzle
• Nonce
• Kittycat

Dear Goldfish,
stripper butt tattoo designs?

Really? No, we’re not doing that.

Dear Goldfish,
images of teddy bear saying i don’t know wat to say?

Dear Goldfish,
birthday hate words?

Old? Clowns? Happy birthday? I’m not sure what you’re going for here.

Dear Goldfish,
what does a moustache tattoo mean in private areas?

Both in public and private areas, a mustache tattoo means you’re kind of a trendy douche.

Dear Goldfish,
tattoo goo is a sham?

I’ll keep that in mind if I ever come across “tattoo goo,” whatever that is.

Dear Goldfish,
dwarf love making?

Next.

Dear Goldfish,
what can i add to my tribal tattoo so it wont look as stupid?

Heh. How about you just don’t get a stupid looking tattoo at all.

Dear Goldfish,
puppies and cons?

There are quite a few programs in prisons where convicts train dogs. I believe they’re highly successful for both the dogs and the inmates.

Dear Goldfish,
if you can’t handle my happy screaming kids go somewhere else?

No. I was here first. You go somewhere else.

Dear Goldfish,
products made for right handed people?

All of them. Every product is designed for right-handed people, except for the one product that isn’t (I have a pair of left-handed scissors).

Dear Goldfish,
what a waste of a gold mine. is this a metaphor or simile?

Is this a trick question?

Dear Goldfish,
brain, you’ve failed me again?

Yes.

Dear Goldfish,
what’s with all these bitches getting dreamcatchers?

I have no idea. I blame Miley Cyrus:

Dear Goldfish,
at what age should a person quit sports fishing?

How the hell should I know? My dad is in his 80s and he still fishes from time to time.

Dear Goldfish,
is it stupid when parents get their kids name tattooed on them?

I don’t think so. In fact, I’d say your child’s name is one of the few acceptable names to get tattooed on your person. Other names include someone important to you who has died, your pets, family or any other person you’re likely not to break up with and hate in a few years.

Dear Goldfish,
i’m a friend of my ankle but i don’t have an anchor how come?

Um. Well, I have no idea what that means, but I’m glad you’re a friend of your ankle. Having your ankle as an enemy is no way to go through life.

Dear Goldfish,
14?

Sure.

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Well, that’s just about all we have time for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.