I work in an office building. I sit in a cubicle all day since I switched workplaces and lost my precious walls and door. I miss having an office. Anyway, my workplace is just like any other workplace in America. It’s got offices ringed round the outer walls and cubes in the middle. We have a break room with water and coffee, a warehouse, bathrooms with handicapped stalls and a time clock. To all appearances, it’s just another cube-farm workplace that could sell anything from vitamins to vacuum cleaners.

The difference is that we sell adult novelty items. Are you familiar with that safe for work euphemism? Adult novelty items include vibrators, dildos, pumps, lingerie, love dolls and any other lacy/rubbery/vibratey/inflatable thing designed to get you off. We are in the business of sex. I swear like a longshoreman and look at porn as part of my job.

I’ve been in this business since 2001, because much like the mafia, once you get in, it’s hard to get out, especially for a graphic designer. Graphic design is one of those jobs where people want to see your work before they even call you in for an interview. It’s hard to get a straight job when most of my portfolio is dildos and boobs. Knowing how to make bigger cleavage with the warp tool in Photoshop isn’t seen as a transferable skill. Contrary to their entire purpose, dildos tend to turn normal people off in a work setting.

So, I’m stuck. It’s alright though. This business is notorious for underpaying their employees and not providing benefits, but when my company got bought and I moved to the new parent company nearly a month ago, I got a raise and benefits. There are other perks like no dress code (I have knuckle tattoos and when I started, I had a pink mohawk), a relaxed atmosphere with like-minded liberals, an employee discount and also things like Bra Appreciation Day.

According to the company I work for, today is Bra Appreciation Day. That means that all company employees got two free bras. My company owns a lingerie line that does not stock your grandma’s panties. These are lacy, frilly things with not much by way of infrastructure, but they’re not actually intended to be worn; they’re designed only to be viewed with boobs in them and taken off.

At first, I wasn’t planning to partake, because like most women, I’m particular about bras. I wear them for purpose, not for form. I’m really not all that fond of the things in the first place. They hold my girls hostage every day and poke me in places I don’t want to be poked. But, free is free, so I figured I’d at least look.

I went back to the warehouse to find tables and tables stacked with free bras and people pawing through them. Fortunately, they’re all in boxes, so it wasn’t as disorderly as even your average Victoria’s Secret on a non-sale day. The sizes were all printed on the back of the box in the same place, so it was simple enough to scan them.

I spent about three minutes finding only 32B, a very unpopular bra size at my company apparently since there were a lot of them left and not much else. The shipping manager came up to me, and in an effort to be helpful, he said, “What size are you looking for?”

He really intended just to be helpful, but it was only after I said, “I’m not telling you that!” that he realized how it sounded. I felt bad for making him feel like a creepy pervert.

Eventually, I found two in my size (I’m not telling you which size) and left. I don’t even know what they look like; I just know they’re in my size and they’re free.

Happy Bra Appreciation Day, everyone. I bet none of you got free bras from your employer. Nanner nanner.

Have you gotten any good free stuff from work?