Last year, I wrote a post called The Story of My Mom, which was actually about my mother’s Stockholm Syndrome and subsequent ignoring of my child sexual abuse. Yet, after that post, the most popular search term on this blog became “I fucked my mom,” because people are gross.

It got so bad that I stopped doing Dear Goldfish posts and eventually, I took The Story of My Mom down altogether. That’s right. I took a post down because I couldn’t stand the search terms anymore. It is still down. For the record, I never did that.

Unexpectedly, a day or two after I took the post down, I stopped getting those awful searches, so welcome back to Dear Goldfish, the (long absent) weekly series where I answer real questions asked by our studio audience, in other words, you. The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines with no editing or censoring.

Dear Goldfish,
why does the universe hate me?

I’m not sure that it does. The universe isn’t a sentient being capable of hate. It’s a vast inanimate space containing everything that has ever or will ever exist and it is still growing. If anything, it doesn’t care about you at all.

Dear Goldfish,
how to make a giraffe?

Get a male giraffe and a female giraffe, play some Barry White (or whatever giraffes are into), wait a while (however long a giraffe gestation period is) and voila, you’ve made a giraffe.

Dear Goldfish,
mary me goldfish?

I don’t even know you. Perhaps you should bring me flowers first.

Dear Goldfish,
what to get for people who hate birthdays?

Money. Cash money. Or one of those gift cards that you can use anywhere.

Dear Goldfish,
money grows on trees?

Yes. Here’s a map to find a money tree. I’d check in the Wet Wild Woods:

Watch out for the Bog Trolls. Luck!

Dear Goldfish,
how many left handed people die in right handed chairs?

Three? Actually, I have no idea. I didn’t even know there was such a thing as right-handed chairs. Most chairs are symmetrical, and therefore, ambidextrous, like so:

Dear Goldfish,
how to have a good sounding laugh?

Sorry, but your laugh is your laugh. When done properly, you can’t control what it sounds like. People will just have to deal. It doesn’t matter so much what your laugh sounds like as much as how often you do it. Dr. Goldfish prescribes one deep belly laugh per day.

Dear Goldfish,
fictional story about separation of church and state?

I haven’t written one of those yet. Perhaps I should.

Dear Goldfish,
who invented diamonds?

The earth did. Deep below the planet’s surface where it’s quite warm, the mantle squeezed and squeezed, and out popped diamonds.

They were first mined and given value in India some 3,000 plus years ago though, so in a way, I suppose you could say India invented diamonds.

Dear Goldfish,
arcane curse words?

Two of my favorite things together at last! I love old words and curse words. Some of my favorite old-timey insults can be found here, you clodpoll.

Dear Goldfish,
spanish toilet paper?

As far as I know, Spanish toilet paper is similar to any other nation’s toilet paper. It’s toilet paper–how different can it really be?

Dear Goldfish,
is wattie buchan hair real?

Interesting. Wattie Buchan is the lead singer for a band called The Exploited. I’ve met him a few times, and while I’ve never seriously investigated his hair, I believe it is real. This is what it looks like:

Dear Goldfish,
the night that changed my life crossword?

(Answers: 2: TBI; 3 gush; 5 hospital; 7 wound; 8 stitch; 1 stagelight; 4 blood; 6 orderly)

Dear Goldfish,
pros and cons of dog poop?

Really, people? There aren’t any pros to dog poop except that it means your dog won’t explode.

Dear Goldfish,
my brain sucks?

High five. Mine, too.

Dear Goldfish,
qual o tamanho da via lactea em anos luz?

I don’t know what that means. All I recognize is light years. To the Translator!!!

“How big is the Milky Way in light years?”

That is an excellent question for which I don’t have an answer! Let’s ask the internet.

According to the wikipedia: “The Milky Way galaxy is some 100,000–120,000 light-years in diameter.”

There you have it.

Dear Goldfish,
don’t fight with me?

OK, then. I hadn’t planned on it.

Dear Goldfish,
pigeon of peace?

Traditionally, it’s the dove that’s used to represent peace, but I suppose you could have a peace pigeon. Why not?

Dear Goldfish,
my dog is exhausting me?

I hear that.

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Well, that’s all the time we have for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.