I’m not feeling very funny lately. My sense of humor has decided to duck and cover like the air raid turtle:

The fact that I’m not feeling very funny lately is exactly the reason we need funny, so I’m going to try to make some. Funny isn’t something that can generally be manufactured, so this will probably be a fail. Like I care.

Today, we’re going to talk about pet peeves. What the hell is a peeve and why do we have to pet them?

“But, Goldfish, you already have a lengthy series of Things I Hate, which is about things!” you might whine in my earball.

Yes, dear reader, that is true. My, you are observant! And whiny!  So far, I’ve hated 240 things. I hate a lot of things, but this post is about pet peeves. Things I hate is about random things that annoy me, including inanimate things, whereas, pet peeves are things that people do regularly that make me stabby.

Is that a big enough difference? I’m not sure. In my head, they’re different. Pretend you’re in my head and just go with it, but don’t venture into the Department of Pantsless Clowns. That area is verboten and scary.

1. Using the wrong word or a word that doesn’t exist. You’re, your, there, their and they’re. Peruse, nonplussed, begging the question… none of these mean what you think they mean. Irregardless is not a word. It will never be a word. It shouldn’t be a word just because people use it. Irregardless is a double negative. I like to call it a word bomb, because it cancels itself out. By rights, it ought to explode in your face when you say it. So far, that hasn’t happened, dammit. Anyway, stop using it. It is either irrespective or regardless. Also, there is no such word as disorientation. It’s disorient or orientation.

2. Chewing with your mouth open or speaking with your mouth full. Ugh. I don’t want to see your partially masticated food stuffs. Shut your maw when you’ve got food all up in your grill.

3. Talking on or playing with your phone at the table. If you simply must answer a phone call, say “excuse me,” walk away from the table and come back when you’re done. And I don’t care how bad your Candy Crush addiction is, it’s never okay to play it during a meal. It’s rude.

4. Drivers. I was just going to leave that as one word, but I suppose I should elaborate. I am annoyed by people who drive, specifically, when they cut me off, don’t use their turn signals until after they turn or at all, wait for parking spaces while blocking the whole aisle, pull out without looking, etc. People were never designed to go that fast.

5. Reading out loud when typing or reading. Children do this as a means of learning the English language. It helps cement the connection between the written words, the sounds they make and what they mean. As a native English-speaking adult, you should know how to read to yourself by now without making your face move. I don’t need to hear your nonsense. Reading aloud to yourself, even quietly, makes you seem like this: “Dear Justin Bieber, I think you’re dreamy. What’s your favorite color? Will you come to my house for dinner on Tuesday? My mom said it’s alright. TLA.”

6. Women who can’t walk in high heels. I don’t really wear heels much anymore because my back is defective. Heels make me all contorted and hunchbacked.

When I did wear heels though, I could function in them. I would go dancing in heels. I could run in heels. I could pretty much do anything in heels. I rocked those fuckers. So, why is it that I see this a lot?

If you cannot walk in heels, do not wear heels. Go home and practice, because this shit makes me embarrassed to be the same gender. I’ve seen drag queens better than you. You bring shame upon womankind. Shame!

 7. People who use animals as surrogate babies. I have a dog and a cat. They don’t have any clothing and walk around naked. Neither one of them has a stroller. I don’t refer to them as “my children.” I don’t carry them around with me. They both have four legs and can walk on their own. I don’t have college funds for them. They are not my children; they are my pets. There is a difference. If I wanted children, I would have some. I don’t want children. I don’t even like children. Dogs and cats are better than children. They will always love me, never be embarrassed by me and neither of them will ever say, “I hate you! You’re not my real mom!”

 8. Time wasters. People in line ahead of me taking forever to pick their lottery tickets. People who dump change on the counter. People who lollygag in the middle of store aisles, oblivious to the fact that you need to get around them. People who don’t pay attention to traffic signals. People are always in my way. Get out of my way and quit wasting my time. I have better things to do than look at your saggy butt.

---

I was going to go to 10, but I find myself annoyed just having listed 8. Now that it’s over, this list isn’t really all that different from my Things I Hate series after all, except for the fact that I lazied out and didn’t go to 10. I’m publishing it anyway, because who cares. I’m not sure I succeeded in bringing the funny either, but I certainly brought the cranky. Fuck yeah, cranky!

What are your pet peeves? Complainy lists about pet peeves?

And, by the way, this is the 900th post on this blog, so high five.