I would like to know why you have it in for me. I’d also like to request that you stop fucking with me, at least, for a little while.

Hello, dear readers. I have been absent, because this week sucks.

Last weekend started off pretty well with one of the dog park regulars asking me if I’d care to apply for a job at her company. Yes! I would! But, I don’t have an up to date resumé. Booo. I’ll work on it over the weekend. Pinky swear.

Over the weekend, I discovered my house has a serious bug problem. Bug problems make me itchy. It’s not like I can say, “Oh, my house has insects everywhere, let’s just plop down on the couch and resumé some.” No, bug problems take front and center, even over getting a new job. Instead of working on my resumé, I spent Saturday and Sunday cleaning out every nook and cranny, and spraying some seriously toxic shit. Take that, fuckers! DIE, YOU BUG BASTARDS!

Seeing as that toxic shit I sprayed upstairs, where there is carpet, was toxic as shit, the animals and I had to move downstairs, where there are hardwood floors and less chance of bastard bugs. I slept on the couch. I hate sleeping on the couch.

Monday rolled around and I was going to work on my resumé only to realize, I didn’t have an old copy and would have to start over. Screw that. I have a copy at home, so instead, I drew a turtle. Monday night, I couldn’t find a copy of my current resumé. What the fuck? How can I not have a resumé of any sort anywhere? This is just not possible.

Monday night, while in a sleepy duel with my cat and my dog for space on the couch downstairs, I got the flu. I’m still not sure whether the flu was actually flu or just a reaction to the toxic shit I sprayed. If it was a reaction to the toxic shit, that’s fine with me as it was totally worth it to kill all those fuckers dead. DEAD. Get out of my house! I’d do it again (only this time, with a gas mask and better ventilation).

Tuesday, I slept for about twenty-two hours. I left the couch a grand total of three times. All three times were to walk the dog. I had so little stamina and felt like such crap that I had to stop and sit down every ten feet or so. So, there I am in my pajamas, looking like death, sitting in the middle of the sidewalk while my dog happily sniffs at this thing and that. Having the flu, a dog and no yard really, really sucks.

Wednesday passed much the same way as Tuesday, except that, by the afternoon, I could do no more sleeping ever. I will never sleep again. I did all the sleeping I’m ever allowed to do on Tuesday and Wednesday.

Fevers are weird. Somehow, I was hot and cold at the same time. I’m not even sure how that’s possible, but it happened. I couldn’t think, concentrate or go five minutes without hacking up a lung. Eventually, I stopped getting the chills constantly. I’ve got to say, the chills aren’t an entirely unpleasant experience. At least, they’re the best part of having the flu. They’re very tingly. I was sad to see them go.

And, here we are on Friday, and I’m still running a low grade temperature. My head feels like it’s filled with cottage cheese. I can’t breathe through both nostrils at once. I can walk about a hundred feet now without having to take a break. Progress.

Meanwhile, I’m still on the damn couch. When I mercilessly sprayed upstairs for those bastard bugs, I left my room in total disarray. I also left the windows open and it still smells in there. I haven’t had the energy to put it all back together. Just the concept of making my bed makes me want to knock back a Red Bull and take a nap at the same time.

So, I’m still on the couch. I hate that goddamn couch. I’m going to burn it when I get my upstairs back. I probably won’t since I need a couch downstairs, dammit.

To recap: 1) Job opportunity! Yay! 2) Bug infestation. Ewww! Kill it! 3) Flooooooo. 4) Resumé just finished this morning on Friday, nearly a week after I was supposed to have my resumé finished.

So, universe, I ask you, why do you have it out for me? Why would you not want me to have a nice new job? I have been through an awful lot of crap in my short life and I’m really wondering why I keep having to trudge through life with a juggling bear balanced on my shoulders while riding a unicycle on a high wire blindfolded, whereas others just get to walk on perfectly normal sidewalks.

You know how I know this isn’t all some sort of shitty coincidence and that you’re actually out to get me? I checked the mail yesterday after being sick for days and there was a jury duty summons.

Jury duty.

Because fuck yeah. 😐