This blog has been far too serious of late. It’s time to lighten it up a bit. So, welcome back to Dear Goldfish, the (purportedly) weekly series where I answer real questions asked by our studio audience, in other words, you. The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines with no editing or censoring.

Dear Goldfish,
cool?

Wow. You write one post called Cool and 23 people search just for that word and end up here. That’s pretty cool.

Dear Goldfish,
boredom?

Wow. You write several posts about boredom and 16 people search just for that word and end up here. That’s pretty sad.

Dear Goldfish,
why does the devil tell the man in hell to say “gesundheit?”?

I give up. Why?

Dear Goldfish,
i fucked my mom story?

OK, something is seriously not right here. What the hell, internet? Why on earth would you search that, and worse, how would that land you here? And it wasn’t just one, but a lot of you. You people are not right. Seriously, stop looking for stories about boinking your mom here, please.

Dear Goldfish,
lamps made from giraffes?

I can see wanting a giraffe lamp. Giraffes are cool, and their long neck and distinctive markings are perfect for a lamp. I would probably buy this lamp, for example:

A giraffe inspired, shaped or colored lamp is just fine. But a lamp made from giraffes? Well, no, not so much. That’s just wrong. Animals should not be turned into lamps. It just seems too Nazi to me.

Dear Goldfish,
dumb blonde jokes for kids?

Speaking of wrong, we have that question. Sorry, but I’m not really a fan of stereotype jokes, and certainly not for kids. Kids aren’t naturally biased. It’s something that’s taught with dumb blonde jokes. Don’t do that.

Dear Goldfish,
what is gold fishes?

Actually, that are just one gold fishes. Here is gold fishes:

Dear Goldfish,
artsy fish paintings?

Dear Goldfish,
who said, “the more i’m around people the better i like my dog”?

Well, the actual quote is: “The more I know about people, the better I like my dogs.” And it was said by none other than the king of pith himself, this guy:

If perchance you live in a cave, that’s Mr. Mark Twain.

And, for the record, I completely agree.

Dear Goldfish,
caliwompus?

Dude. Some of you searched for that one word and landed here. That’s awesome. I’d rather be known as the caliwompus blog than the fucked your mother blog.

Dear Goldfish,
accident with scissors in eyes?

For the love of fuck, no. NO!!!

Dear Goldfish,
how to cheer up your goldfish?

Well, giving me Friday afternoons off would be a good start.

Dear Goldfish,
fucking unfortunately really?

Yes.

Dear Goldfish,
ecstasy green elephants?

There’s a great story in there somewhere. Do tell.

Dear Goldfish,
do you sleep at all with insomnia?

Why, yes, I do, but it’s generally not a really good sleep. Either it takes me forever to fall asleep or I wake up wide awake in the wee hours, or both.

Dear Goldfish,
love mad libs?

Why, yes, I do. I should do another mad lib contest sooner or later.

Dear Goldfish,
im looking for a mental gold fish?

You found one!

Dear Goldfish,
why did the american colonists start the american revolution?

That’s an excellent question, but I still haven’t covered that part of the American Revolution yet in History Lessons With Goldfish. That reminds me that I really should finish that. We can’t leave America hangin’.

Dear Goldfish,
words ending with delic?

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I’m cutting it short today because I can’t stand wading through all the fuck and mother search terms. Really, internet, how on earth are so many of you sick bastards searching for that and landing here? I don’t want to be an authority on that.

Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.