I just checked out this Zero To Hero business because challenges are good. I don’t think it’s right for me since I’m an established blogger with 4,220 spam followers and 27 real ones.

I’ve been here, writing my crap, since 2009, though most of you didn’t know me then. It is endlessly fascinating to me that I have a comma in my follower number. I do so love commas. I wish I had as many numbers in my bank account. There was a time, actually more like a couple of years, when that number was single digits. I like that big, fat number, even if it signifies mostly spambots. Robots are cool.

Another reason I won’t formally be doing the challenge is that, for Day 2, Zero To Hero wants me to edit my title and tagline, and flesh them out more in a widget, which I’ve already done, so it’s not much of a challenge. I will, however, be informally following the challenge and jamming my two cents between the couch cushions of the internet wherever my two cents fit.

Anyway, I realized that I never actually wrote an introduction post for this blog. Yes, I have an about page, which is lousy with information, a self-portrait, a trading card and a comment form, but the very first post on this blog wouldn’t give you a clue as to what was happening here. That’s probably because I had no idea what was happening here.

The first post on this blog is entitled A Snarky Opinion. It’s nice to know some things never change, but it is a bitchfest about language and not actually an introduction.

Since this post is officially the 800th post on this blog (high five!) and I am inordinately fond of arbitrary milestones (search for any other round post number and you’ll see), I thought I’d do what I should have done 800 posts ago and write an introduction post. I’ve stolen the questions from the Zero To Hero challenge and I shall attempt to answer them to the best of my ability.

What are you about?

I am about 5’9″. I’m about tired of my stupid job and would really like a new one. I’m about procrastination, laziness, art (creating and appreciating), music, reading books, writing books (although I haven’t managed to do that yet), animals, and most importantly, humor. My sense of humor is what has kept me alive all these years.

Why should they read your blog?

Who is they? The spambots? I really wish they wouldn’t. There are currently 302 comments in my spam folder from at least 3,000 of my followers. But, they as in you, the warm body with a brain who is reading this and not just trolling for keywords, well, you shouldn’t. At least, I don’t ask that you do. I never asked that you read my words. I’m terrible at promotion and even if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t do it anyway for something as personal as my blog. You, my most dedicated peoples, found me somehow and decided to stick around. You commented on my words and continue to make my day. Somehow, over the course of nearly five years, you found me and you’ve been there. Over the years, you have come and gone, but you–not the individual you, but the greater you–have been there. Thank you for that.

Why are you blogging, rather than keeping a personal journal?

Before the internet, I used to keep a personal journal. This stack of nonsense was Fish Of Gold before there was a Fish Of Gold.

A few years back, I wrote my autobiography. It’s full of scintillating stories, because my history is not what one would call staid. I have not lived a boring life. My autobiography will be published on my death. If not published, available to read. There are too many things in there that I’m not ready to talk about yet. At least, I’m not ready to share them with the world.

In the process of writing my autobiography, I waded through all that twaddle pictured above. To be perfectly, honest, it’s saccharine, pretentious bullpucky written by someone who doesn’t know the half of it. On my death, they will be burned. Or they should be.

Anyway, I don’t know about you, but writing things on the internet is not the same to me as writing a personal journal. A personal journal is written with the expectation that no one will read it besides maybe a nosy mother. When you write a blog, you are aware that maybe someday someone might read it. It’s on the internet. Once you hit publish, it’s available to the world. For me, writing for the internet is totally different from writing a journal. Believe me, nobody wants to read my journals.

What topics do you think you’ll write about?

I’ve written about a lot of things. I like the fact that this blog isn’t about any one thing in particular. It’s a smorgasbord of random whatnot. Some posts are extremely personal and autobiographical. Others are serious business about politics, abuse, addiction and social issues. Some are personal experiences and stories, while other posts are just plain silliness or total fiction. Having a blog that isn’t dedicated to any specific niche, other than the niche of me, is liberating. It means I can write about whatever strikes my fancy on any given day.

I’d like to write more about sexual abuse, because it is the one topic I still can’t talk freely about. I don’t think I’ll ever really be over it until I can talk about all of it. I’m getting there though. Bit by bit, I’m starting to talk about it more.

Who would you love to connect with via your blog?

All of you. Well, not all, but any of you who write engaging, funny, heartfelt, honest posts about your life and experiences. Your experiences are different from mine, and even if we haven’t gone through the same awful things, we can relate to each other as human beings. We bloggers might be able to open minds and make people think differently about certain topics, which really, is my ultimate selfish goal. I don’t want to convert you or convince you, but I would like you to have an open mind.

If you blog successfully throughout 2014, what would you hope to have accomplished?

On this day in 2015, I would like to be writing another thank you post to my readers for reading, commenting, challenging, supporting and laughing with and at me. My people are the best people in the world, and even though I wrote most of this blog without you, I’m so very grateful that we found each other now. Here’s to a successful 2014. Thanks for sticking around.