At this moment, I should be driving to work in a state of half-awake with the hazy brain thoughts all bumping into each other like usual. I would almost be there. I would be driving the one mile out of my way that I drive every workday to avoid the gated McMansion communities that blocked off a public road with their gated exclusiveness, because fuck poor people. They can drive a mile out of the way. We need privacy.
This morning started off like any other. I woke up, took the dog out to pee and hunt for small game, and made coffee. I just took my first sip of delicious black coffee between that last sentence and this one. Instead of stumbling back into my room to put clothes on that maybe might match, and do something with my hair and face–always with the hair and face–I sat down at my lovely home desk, which is actually way nicer than my work desk, and started writing this thing.
When Male was considering coming home for new year, I laid the groundwork for taking time off. When Male ended up not coming home for new year–because fuck poor people, they can pay $1000 for a ticket–I wasn’t going to take the time off, but then my sister said I should take it anyway and I thought about it, and well, why not?
I am one of those ridiculous people who most of you hate, because I make you look bad. I am always at work. I never take time off unless I’m sick, I have an emergency or I’m actually going on vacation somewhere, but I haven’t gone anywhere in a couple of years and while I have been sick, it’s usually on the weekend, because the universe hates me.
I really can’t remember the last day I took off. I think it had something to do with car trouble, but I’ve owned my new car for almost a year and haven’t had a single issue (knock on wood), other than a blown out tire in August. I did take the morning off for that, but when I got a new tire, I went back to work like a total idiot.
When I asked my office manager for Thursday and Friday off, she said, “of course!” because I never ask for time off. When I told my subordinate that I was going to be off Thursday and Friday, he said, “Good. It’s about time you took some time off. You need it.” My first instinct was to become insulted, but he was right.
I’m not sure why, but I feel wrong about taking time off. I have absolutely no problem being at work and fucking about on the internet all day if there’s no work to be done, but I have to be there. Somewhere in my fucked up brain, lives the concept that if you take a day off, you won’t have a job to go back to. I feel like I’m missing something. I feel guilty about taking time off. It’s really screwed up and one of my character flaws I’d like to fix. Everyone should take a day off now and then, and not feel guilty about it.
My ridiculous work ethic probably stems from the fact that I started working at fifteen years old because I had no choice but to support myself. I am a terrible unemployed person. I get horribly depressed and antsy. I don’t know what to do with myself. So, sitting at my personal desk on my personal computer in my room with all its roomy goodness with my dog and my cat close at hand on a Thursday morning is a good thing. That’s progress.
Yet, what am I going to do with all this time off? There are a million home improvement projects I can do. There are a million posts I could write. There are things to be drawn and paintings to be painted. There are amusements and attractions out there in this big bad city that I would like to see. Yet, faced with all those choices, I feel powerless to pick any one of them. I’m not a planner in any way. I typically go with the flow, but when there’s no flow other than the one I choose, I feel a little lost.
I put all the things I’d like to do in a hat, the awesome purple hat from this post that I finally took a picture of, to create a flow with which to go. In the hat, I put organize closet, nap, go to that thrift store I always wanted to go to, get a haircut, finish watching The Wire, play Borderlands 2 or the other games Male sent me for Christmas, visit that awesome bookstore around the corner, take my dog to a dog park I don’t usually go to, go to MOCA or LACMA, visit the main branch of the LA public library, and a bunch of other things I want to do and let fate have its way. The first two things I drew were organize closet and go to the thrift store, so that’s what I’ll be doing today. I might even wear the awesome purple hat. Thanks, purple hat.