Hello, Internet. Welcome back to Dear Goldfish, the (ostensibly) weekly series where I answer real questions asked by our studio audience, in other words, you. The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines with no editing or censoring.

Dear Goldfish,
domestic violence with fish?

That doesn’t sound like a good idea. Domestic violence is never a good idea, but why do you need to involve innocent fish? Leave the fish and domestic partners alone, you bastards.

Dear Goldfish,
diffrent types of animals draw in an easy way by children?

Sorry, I can’t help you with that. I am not a child nor do I really even know any. I have a friend with a five-year old, but he lives in another state.

Dear Goldfish,
twink put under with roofies date drug by gay?

Really? Why? Find your date rape stories elsewhere, please.

Dear Goldfish,
hootie and the blowfish sucks?

Yes. Yes, they do.

Dear Goldfish,
why do people hate hootie and the blowfish?

See the previous question.

Dear Goldfish,
does time traveling affect the fish?

I would imagine it would affect the fish as much as it would affect anyone else. At the very least, temporally.

Dear Goldfish,
i have bras for my man boobs?

Oh, my. I’m sorry to hear that. I wouldn’t go around telling everyone that if I were you. That sort of information is best kept under your hat, or under your bra, as it were.

Dear Goldfish,
why do i say wierd things?

I couldn’t possibly answer that question since I don’t know you. Perhaps you have a brain tumor or perhaps you’re just weird.

Dear Goldfish,
what is the mascot for the detroit red wings?

Why, it’s Al The Octopus, of course! Let’s go Red Wings!

Dear Goldfish,
are most left handed people left eyed also?

Interesting that you ask that. I believe the answer is, yes, most left-handed people are left-eye dominant, however, I’m left-handed and I’m right-eye dominant. I shoot a gun right-handed because of that.

Dear Goldfish,
was beethoven synesthete?

The short answer is that nobody knows for sure whether Beethoven was a synesthete. There are all sorts of theories, but since he’s dead and we can’t ask him, we’ll never know.

Dear Goldfish,
my first day in skull?

How did your first day in skull go? And what does that mean?

Dear Goldfish,
suddenly racist?

I’d rather not, thank you.

Dear Goldfish,
domestic violence month?

No, dear, it’s domestic violence awareness month, not domestic violence month. Domestic violence month would be a bad month.

Dear Goldfish,
how to make font choice?

Pick one that doesn’t suck.

Dear Goldfish,
childhood missing?

Why, yes, it is. Let me know if you find it. I might offer a reward.

Dear Goldfish,
does 20 squats everytime i pee gonna help me lose weight?

Really, people? How the hell should I know? I would recommend you squat a maximum of once during peeing otherwise things could get messy.

Dear Goldfish,
can anyone park in front of your house?

I believe so, as long as long as it’s a standard form of land transportation like a car, truck or camper. If I see this thing outside my house, I’m calling it in:

Although, if I see that thing outside my house and it is, in fact, surrounded by water, I’ve got bigger issues to contend with.

Dear Goldfish,
why buy a left hand spiral notebook when all you have to do is turn the normal one upside down?

Well, I don’t think I ever have bought a left-handed spiral notebook because I’ve never actually seen one. Some people might want a proper left-handed notebook so the back is the back and the front is the front, and not backwards. Not all left-handed people enjoy being backwards freaks.

Dear Goldfish,
letters to your dead grandma?

Why would you write letters to my dead grandma? Write to your own grandma.

Dear Goldfish,
i’m beautiful and if you say otherwise i will pee on all your things?

I would never say that you are anything other than beautiful, and not just because you’re threatening to pee on my things.

Dear Goldfish,
share comfortable silence with someone?

Okay. Here goes…

Well, that’s just about all we have time for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.