Part 2 of the abuse mix tape. Yesterday, we heard the abuser’s voice. Today, it’s about the victim. Each of these songs, in some way, touches on what it’s like to be a victim of abuse, at least, from my perspective.

I apologize for the lack of creativity with all the Tool and Nine Inch Nails in these posts. Normally, I would never put two songs from the same album on a mix tape, but they fit so well.

This post deals with abuse, so trigger alert warning.

Stabbing Westward – Sleep

She’s been here so many times before
She can’t remember
When she last felt anything at all
But this fear and anger

She stares intently at the door,
Listens for his footsteps
She knows exactly what’s in store
And the knowing makes it worse

Floating high above her bed
Staring at her father’s head
Wishing one of them were dead
So this hell could finally end

When he calls her daddy’s little girl,
She doesn’t hear him
When he crushes her she can’t feel
Her screams are silent

Hides in the corner of her mind
Where she plays contently
She leaves this nightmare far behind
She escapes inside her dreams

Floating high above her bed
Staring at her father’s head
Wishing one of them were dead
So this hell could finally end

Elliot Smith – Abused

Now that everybody’s worn the expression
Not that you wanted to use
It seems untrue now
But the funniest thing is
It fits you now
To a perfect T

You may never understand this affliction
Although you feel the effects you feel
Bruised now, body and mind you feel
Used now, almost all of the time
Been abused
Abused

Sunday morning in the aisle with my brother
Watching the men in black tell the youths how
You’re supposed to behave, and tell the truth now
You don’t know what you’re saying
We’ve been abused
Abused

Other people see some evil intention
But the closer you get
The more you get confused how
Why does everyone know
Been abused now
Didn’t want it to show

Tears For Fears – Watch Me Bleed

Heaven comes to he who waits
But I know I’m getting nowhere
And all the deeds of yesterday
Have really helped to pave my way
Though there’s no one near me now
How come everyone can touch me
You see the torture on my brow
Relates to neither here nor now

Watch me bleed
Bleed forever
Although my face is straight, it lies
My body feels the pain and cries

Here the table is not bare
I am full but feeling empty
For all the warmth it feels so cold
For one so young I feel so old

Watch me bleed
Bleed forever
It’s not allowed to be unkind
But still the hate lives in my mind

I’ll make no noise
I’ll hide my pain
I’ll close my eyes
I won’t complain
I’ll lie right back and take the blame
And try to tell myself I’m living
And when it’s all been said or done
Where do I go?
Where do I run?
What’s left of me or anyone when we’ve denied the hurting?

Fugazi – Suggestion

So, we play the roles that they assigned us
She does nothing to conceal it
He touches her ’cause he wants to feel it
We blame her for being there

But, we are all guilty

Unida – You Wish

Nothing, is gonna survive
And her thing, always alive
Despite on the edge
Well it’ll make you cry
It’s never-ending
and never surrendering

Nothing, is gonna roll
and her thing, out of control
And shame, on the underdog
and who’s to blame,
About the other day?
It’s never-ending
and never surrendering

Nothing, is gonna survive
And nothing, always alive
Despite on the edge
Well it’ll make you cry
And who’s to blame
about the other day?
It’s never-ending
and never surrendering
Her end, something new
And nothing, all but you
And the life you want to live
And the life you want to live
It’s all right, it’s all right, it’s all right…

Corrosion Of Conformity – Seven Days

Over time mistakes were few but I believe they’re mine
Faded mind youth was old, the years were so unkind, so unkind
Well. I’m the one, I face the change, I know that stands before me
Believe in me ’cause I damn sure don’t believe in you

I cannot deny myself my anger and pride
I cannot deny another lie
Waiting to find another spike right through my hand
I hope I’m killed before I die, oh before I

Worlds divide, long ago the memories still inside
Chances shine, seven days our fears become entwined
Seasons change our time is gone our souls have grown much colder
Believe in me ’cause I damn sure don’t believe in you

Never again are words that echo in my mind
Leaving still holds back the tide
Crucified with lies my blood turns into wine
Take your sip before I die, oh before I

I cannot deny myself my anger and pride
I cannot deny another lie
Waiting to find another spike right through my hand
I hope I’m killed before I die, before I
Before I die, before I

Nine Inch Nails – The Becoming

I beat my machine it’s a part of me it’s inside of me
I’m stuck in this dream it’s changing me I am becoming
the me that you know he had some second thoughts
he’s covered with scabs and he is broken and sore
the me that you know doesn’t come around much
that part of me isn’t here anymore
all pain disappears it’s the nature of my circuitry
drowns out all I hear there’s no escape from this my new consciousness
the me that you know used to have feelings
but the blood has stopped pumping and he’s left to decay
the me that you know is now made up of wires
and even when I’m right with you I’m so far away
I can try to get away but I’ve strapped myself in
I can try to scratch away the sound in my ears
I can see it killing away all my bad parts
I don’t want to listen but it’s all too clear

hiding backwards inside of me I feel so unafraid
Hold a little tighter I might just slip away

it won’t give up it wants me dead
goddamn this noise inside my head

Tool – Bottom

Compassion is broken now,
my will is eroded now,
desire, it is broken now,
and it makes me feel ugly.
I’m on my knees and burnin’
my piss and moans are the fuel that sets my head on fire
so smell my soul is burnin’
I’m broken, lookin’ up I see the enemy
and I have swallowed the poisons you feed me,
but I’ve survived on the poison you feed me,
leavin’ me guilt fed, hatred fed, weakness fed,
it makes me feel ugly
on my knees and burnin’
my piss and moans are the fuel that sets my head on fire
I’m dead inside

shit adds up, shit adds up, shit adds up, shit adds up at the bottom

If I let you, you would make me destroy myself.
in order to survive you, i must first survive myself.
I can sink no further, and I cannot forgive you
there’s no choice but to confront you, to engage you, to erase you.
I’ve gone to great lengths to expand my threshold of pain
I will use my mistakes against you, there’s no other choice
I’m shameless now, I’m nameless now, I’m nothing now, I’m no one now
but my soul must be iron ’cause my fear is naked
I’m naked and fearless
and my fear is naked

dead inside, dead inside, dead inside
nameless now, shameless now, nothing now, no one now
shit adds up
and you see me naked now
fearless now, naked now
shit adds up
it leaves me dead inside

hatred keeps me alive
Loneliness keeps me alive
weakness keeps me alive
guilt keeps me alive
at the bottom

Nine Inch Nails – Ruiner

You had all of them on your side didn’t you?
You believe in all your lies didn’t you?

The ruiner’s got a lot to prove he’s got nothing to lose and now he made you believe
The ruiner’s your only friend well he’s the living end to the cattle he deceives
The raping of the innocent you know the ruiner ruins everything he sees
Now the only pure thing left in my fucking world is wearing your disease

How’d you get so big?
How’d you get so strong?
How’d it get so hard?
How’d it get so long?

You had to give them all a sign, didn’t you?
You had to covet what was mine, didn’t you?

The ruiner’s a collector he’s an infector serving his shit to his flies
Maybe there will come a day when those that you keep blind will suddenly realize
Maybe it’s a part of me you took to a place i hoped it would never go
And maybe that fucked me up so much more than you’ll ever know

How’d you get so big?
How’d you get so strong?
How’d you get so hard?
How’d you get so long?

What you gave to me
My perfect ring of scars
You know I can see what you really are
You didn’t hurt me nothing can hurt me
You didn’t hurt me nothing can stop me now

Metallica – Dyer’s Eve

Dear mother
Dear father
What is this hell
You have put me through?

Believer, deceiver
Day in, day out
Lived my life through you

Pushed onto me
What’s wrong or right
Hidden from this thing
That they call life

Dear mother
Dear father
Every thought
I’d think you’d disapprove

Curator, dictator
Always censoring
My every move

Children are seen
But are not heard
Tear out everything inspired

Innocence
Torn from me
Without your shelter
Barred reality
I’m living blindly

Dear mother
Dear father
Time has frozen still
What’s left to be?

Hear nothing, say nothing
Cannot face the fact
I think for me

No guarantee
It’s life as is
But damn you
For not giving me my chance

Dear mother
Dear father
Clipped my wings
Before I learned to fly

Unspoiled, unspoken
I’ve outgrown
That fucking lullaby

Same thing
I’ve always heard from you
Do as I say
Not as I do

Innocence
Torn from me
Without your shelter
Barred reality
I’m living blindly

I’m in hell without you
Cannot cope without you two
Shocked at the world that I see
Innocent victim
Please rescue me

Dear mother
Dear father
Hidden in your world
You’ve made for me

I’m seething
I’m bleeding
Ripping wounds in me
That never heal

Undying spite
I feel for you
Living out this hell
You always knew…

Dark Angel – Time Does Not Heal

It’s always darkest before it goes
Completely black
I’m older now so I should know
You never can look back

But the scars of childhood memories
Dominate my head
The inner pain I’ve vowed to keep
Until the day I’m dead

You can’t see, the life I was forced to lead
What it’s like to die daily
You can’t feel, the thoughts I’ve learned to steal
Survival is my reality

When I was young I lived in fear
The hands of doom forever drawing near
I wonder how I learned to persevere
As time advanced deceit was my life’s truth
Spurred on by the peace I never knew

Time does not heal
The scars that burned me in my youth
Time does not heal
The pain that carved in me the truth
Time does not heal
The torture struck upon my past
Time does not heal
The scars that were left and meant to last

Over the many years I’ve tried
To bury deep my past
Attempting to cope with what’s inside
My wastelands of regret

But defeated before I began
To join the human race
Indelibly I’ve felt the brand
Of scars I can’t erase

I was the fool, subversive and overruled
Into my abyss I was pulled
The ways of hate, constantly agitate
The scars as they’d eviscerate

Inside my head desolation forms
Shadows grasping my mind through its storm
I couldn’t see that I was being forewarned
That anguish was to take my life’s controls
And rake its wounds forever into my soul

Time does not heal
The scars that burned me in my youth
Time does not heal
The pain that carved in me the truth
Time does not heal
The torture struck upon my past
Time does not heal
The scars that were left and meant to last

I have learned to live alone, it’s meant to be
Endless lies and emptiness fulfilling me
Life’s there to deceive the truth you’ll never see
Understand that I am dying to be free

Images have haunted me since I was young
Chilling were the arms of fear I was among
What were once just nightmares now have since become
Real atrocities which I can’t escape from…

It’s always darkest before it goes
Completely black
I’ve realized now that it’s impossible
Surviving their attack

Through duress I’m borne, a past that’s brought me scorn
And when I’m dead, will I be mourned?
The scars I’ve worn, the mental flesh I’ve shredded and torn

Time does not heal
The scars that burned me in my youth
Time does not heal
The pain that carved in me the truth
Time does not heal
The torture struck upon my past
Time does not heal
The scars that were left and meant to last

Clutch – Binge And Purge

Perhaps it’s just the way the light falls
But everything looks like a target to me
And I don’t know where the gun is
But I’m certain that it’s pointed at me

And in the jungle, wretched jungle
They say the lion eats tonight
And all around it is a coliseum
Dripping with a voracious appetite

I say hey there, fella
Whose soul are you tormenting now?
Hey, there fella
Whose soul are you tormenting now?
Hey, there fella
Whose soul are you tormenting now?

In the course of all the previous events
It is evident that something’s bound to happen
Come on, rear your ugly head to me
I’ve got nothing to lose but my apathy

The root of the problem has been isolated
The root of the problem has been isolated
The root of the problem has been isolated
The root of the problem has been isolated

Come on motherfucker, come on motherfucker
Come on motherfucker, let’s throw down
Come on motherfucker, come on motherfucker
Come on motherfucker, let’s throw down

Just try me, just try me
What are you waiting for?
Come on, motherfucker
Let’s throw down

Come on, motherfucker, let’s go
Just rear your ugly fuckin’ head
I’ll put it on a platter
Just rear your ugly fuckin’ head
I’ll put it on a platter

So, come on motherfucker, come on motherfucker
Come on motherfucker, let’s throw down
Come on motherfucker, come on motherfucker
Come on motherfucker, let’s go
Hey there, hey fella, hey there, hey fella

Come on motherfucker, come on motherfucker
Come on motherfucker, let’s throw down
Come on motherfucker, come on motherfucker
Come on motherfucker, let’s go

I’ll make you wish that you’d never been born
I’ll make you wish that you’d never been born
I’ll make you wish that you’d never been born
Come on, motherfucker, let’s go
Hey there, hey fella, hey there, hey fella