Hello, Internet. I’m bored and it’s Friday, which means that it’s time for Dear Goldfish, the (who am I fooling) weekly series where I answer real questions asked by our studio audience, the internets, in other words, you. The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines with no editing or censoring.
Dear Goldfish,
pinterest pussy?
Sixteen of you asked me this? Sixteen people out there really need to get a life. Added to you are the fifteen people who searched for “pinterest vagina,” the eleven people who searched for “vagina pinterest,” and the umpteen people who couldn’t be arsed to spell either word correctly. You do know there are all sorts of real porn out there just on the other side of this blog, right?
Dear Goldfish,
vagina?
Seriously? 26 people searched for that one word and ended up here? I may have to rethink my blogging strategy.
Dear Goldfish,
how did a goldfish get its name?
Well, I got my name for not being able to remember anything. The real goldfish probably got its name because it’s a fish that is gold. Just a guess.
Dear Goldfish,
steps pn how to make a giraffe skeleton?
Take a female giraffe and a male giraffe, put them together with some candlelight and Barry White, and a few months later, a giraffe skeleton covered with giraffe will appear. Ta-Da!
Dear Goldfish,
i don’t test well?
I’m sorry to hear that. A lot of people don’t. Think of the people in the room naked and it will make you less nervous. Oh, that’s for public speaking. Never mind.
Dear Goldfish,
t-rex goldfish?
That is the coolest idea ever. It’d be a huge carnivore that could swim! No one would be safe. Fear the DINOFISH!
I think it was scarier in my imagination.
Dear Goldfish,
please think of the children?
Um, hang on…. Okay, I thought of them. Now what?
Dear Goldfish,
earth solar system solar interstellar neighborhood milky way galaxy local galactic group virgo supercluster local super clusters?
Dear Goldfish,
ideal women dumb as a goldfish?
Hey! Screw you, buddy.
Dear Goldfish,
something interesting about goldfish?
Um, okay. Let me think. Something interesting… hm… I got nothin’.
Dear Goldfish,
how big do goldfish get?
5’9″.
Dear Goldfish,
рыба себан?
Let’s see what the translate has to say about that. It’s Belorussian, which honestly, I didn’t know was its own language. It means fish seba. Well, I haven’t a clue what that means, but welcome, Belorussia!
Dear Goldfish,
say something stupid like i love you -youtube -facebook pdf?
Something stupid.
Dear Goldfish,
im a red wings fan?
Me too! I wonder though, with Detroit announcing bankruptcy yesterday, how will that effect our beloved Wings?
Dear Goldfish,
is a fish a person place or thing?
It is a person and a thing. I am Goldfish, and as such, I am a proper noun. There is also an animal that lives underwater called a fish. That kind of fish is a common noun. There might be a place called Fish, which would be a proper noun, but I don’t know of anywhere named that.
Dear Goldfish,
robot?
I so love that several of you simply searched for “robot” and found your way here. That’s way better than pinterest. Robot robot robot.
Dear Goldfish,
go go retarded lion hockey?
Well, that’s just about all we have time for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!
Fish Of Gold 