A lot of you are fat, lazy slobs. That’s okay! You’re probably American. It’s tough staying motivated in a country where you can buy 5,000 different kinds of chocolate 24/7. I’m here to help.

Today, we’re going to explore some things you can do to lose weight and stay healthy without ruining your lifestyle! Here are 20 low impact things you can do now that will help you lose weight and be healthier:

1. Fart.

Farting uses a lot of energy. If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, you would produce enough gas to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

2. Blink.

Blinking is an exercise. For every blink, you burn 2 calories.

3. Bang your head against a wall.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

4. Think really hard.

Thinking doesn’t use as many calories as blinking or banging your head, but it does preoccupy your brain from wanting to eat delicious things.

5. Yell.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

6. Fidget with your sexy parts.

Everyone knows that sex burns calories. I recommend lots of it. Also, fidgeting can burn 350 calories an hour, so why not burn two birds with one bush and fidget with your sexy parts? Even self-satisfying is self-satisfying.

7. Look from side to side with your eyes.

Especially, while driving. You’re just sitting there anyway, why not exercise your eyes?

8. Lift your eyebrows.

While you’re driving and moving your eyes from side to side, why not raise your eyebrows, too?

9. Hang around larger people.

Weight loss is a psychological battle. Nothing makes you feel thinner than someone who is bigger than you. Ditch all your skinny friends and hang out with the big ones. You’ll feel better in no time.

10. Walk to your car instead of taking a cab.

I know this one might be hard for people who have to park a half block away or less, but try starting small. Instead of taking a cab to your car five times a week, try walking a half block once a week.

11. Take the stairs instead of the elevator.

Unless you’re on the second floor or higher. We don’t want to put you in danger. Again, start small. Try one step at a time and work your way up. If you don’t have any steps, (hire a contractor to) build some like this guy:

12. Be right-handed.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. Us lefties are already at a disadvantage. Try being right-handed.

13. Sleep.

A good weight loss regimen should include at least 12-18 hours of sleep a day. The more you sleep, the less you are awake to eat Ho-Hos.

14. Drink lots of beverages.

The more you drink, the more you pee. The more you pee, the more you have to get up and walk to the bathroom. And if you’re a female, you do one squat every time you go! If you go to the bathroom 30 times a day, that’s 30 squats. Men, try to do some squats while standing and peeing or something (I’m really not sure what you do in there).

15. Drink coffee.

Studies have found that caffeine increases the rate at which you burn calories. Also, it’s a diuretic, so it will make you have to pee more. Every trip to the bathroom counts! Feel the burn.

16. Listen to really fast heavy metal.

Thrash or speed metal will make you fidget faster, thereby burning more calories!

17. Laugh.

This one sounds obvious, but laughing really is good for you. A good snort can burn up to 100 calories.

18. Do your own chores.

Instead of having your mom bring you dinner in the basement, go up and get it yourself. That trip up and down the stairs will burn a few calories.

19. Fill up on fiber.

Low-carb, high-fiber foods take more time to digest than other foods, leaving you feeling fuller longer and less likely to snack. Go ahead and have that second vest or sofa:

20. Make exaggerated motions.

When you walk, make incredibly exaggerated motions. Swing your arms and take long strides. Try to ignore the looks you will get. No matter what they tell you, you don’t look like a Nazi. This is for your health!

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Legal Disclaimer: All statistics in this article were sourced directly from my brain. The claims in this article have not been evaluated by the AMA, USDA, FDA, FBI, FAA, NIH, NOAA, NASA, NSA nor any other official entity. The information provided here is for entertainment purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for advice from a medical professional. I apologize for implying that you may be a fat, lazy slob; I didn’t mean you. Please don’t sue me. Thank you.