A long time ago, I wrote about what it would be like to be a fly on the wall at my own funeral.

Incredibly sorrowful griever: “I can’t believe we’re at Goldfish’s funeral. Didn’t she say she didn’t want a funeral?”

Inconsolably sad mourner: “She said she wanted a Norse funeral where you put the dead in a boat at sunset, push them out to sea and then shoot flaming arrows at the boat until the whole thing catches on fire, lyrically lighting up the gathering night sky with the poetic flames of an irreplaceable life lost, thereby sending them peacefully on their way to Valhalla.” *sobs*

Incredibly sorrowful griever: “That sounds AWESOME. Why didn’t we do that?”

Inconsolably sad mourner: “I guess it’s illegal in the state of California. Something about flaming dead bodies and environmental yadda yadda…”

Incredibly sorrowful griever: “That sucks! What a stupid state.”

Inconsolably sad mourner: “Yes, it does and yes, it is. Goldfish would have liked to go to Valhalla. I hope she doesn’t become an evil revenant instead.”

Incredibly sorrowful griever: “Oh, well. So, when do we start the drinking?”

Inconsolably sad mourner: “Oh, we’ve already begun. We’ve been drinking since 9AM. Here, have a flaming cocktail.”

Incredibly sorrowful griever: “Sweet. Cheers, Goldfish!” *clinks glass*

Inconsolably sad mourner: “Too bad the flaming cocktails are as close as we could come to a Norse funeral. They are delicious though.”

So, let’s see what happens at the actual funeral that I don’t want to have:

Master of Ceremonies: “Everyone, please, settle down. You, there in the back, please, stow that crossbow until we’re done with the speeches, thanks. We’re not ready for the flaming arrows yet. Thank you. Now, if we’re all ready, please welcome the President of the United States of America.”

President of The United States of America: “Thank you for the warm greeting, friends. I really wish we were meeting here today under better circumstances, but as Goldfish would be the first to tell you, everything and everyone dies eventually. Apparently, she was never able to set that plan to become immortal into practice. That’s a shame.

We are gathered here to celebrate the life of our beloved Goldfish. What can be said about her? She was a role model for many. She inspired a whole generation of schoolchildren to pursue a career in Ichthyology.

She was the first fish to ever explore deep space. Her name will live forever carved into the surface of the moon.

She mastered mathematics and discovered the secret to the eternal question of the universe–why? And aren’t we all better off for knowing?

She raised the first fire-breathing dragons. And created the first commercial dragon airline.

She leaves behind a whole library full of words that will live on long after we are all gone. Her legacy will outlive us all.

Thank you, friends, for coming today to celebrate the life of the world’s most amazing fish.”

Master of Ceremonies: “Thank you, Mr. President. And thank you for making a one-time exception on the Norse funeral. I’m sure Goldfish would appreciate it.

Now, to business, the bar will remain open forever and the Norse funeral ceremony will begin at dusk on the beach. Please be sure to gather there for a good spot beforehand. Also, archers, please keep flaming arrows to a minimum until then. Thank you.”