Hello, Internet. Welcome back to Dear Goldfish, the (not even remotely) weekly series where I answer questions asked by the internet. The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines.

Dear Goldfish,
graphic design insomnia?

Well, I am a graphic designer and I do have insomnia, but I don’t think those two things are necessarily related. It’s not like all the designy stuff I could be doing is what keeps me up at night. “I could be sleeping right now, but instead, I’m going to ruminate on the letter G and all the different ways it can look.”

Dear Goldfish,
evil guys?

Yes, I’ve met my share. I don’t exactly have the best taste in men, but I wouldn’t say I’ve ever dated anyone who was straight up evil. I mean, not like Hitler evil. Broke-up-with-me-because-he-was-going-to-prison* evil, sure, but never Hitler evil.

*true story.

Dear Goldfish,
sarcastic metaphors?

My favorite kind. I love sarcasm and I enjoy the metaphor from time to time. I don’t have much else to say on that, so here’s a haiku:

Sardonic contempt
Veiled within a metaphor
Buy one, get one free.

Dear Goldfish,
are graphic designers too reliant on computers?

Yes, we are. At least, I am. I haven’t a clue how to do my job without a computer. Like, not even a little bit. I would imagine, if I were forced to design without the aid of a computer, it would involve a Gutenberg press of some sort, a lot of glue sticks, construction paper, some scissors, and a shit ton of swearing on my part.

Dear Goldfish,
continents of new world in a map a small one?

OK. Here you go:

Dear Goldfish,
what are things i could hate?

Well, dear reader, there are many, many things that you could hate. For example, I hate many things. I’ve written about 140 things I hate here. I hope that helps. Feel free to hate some of the same things I do. I don’t mind.

Dear Goldfish,
we are polar opposites?

We very well could be, but seeing as I don’t know you, it’s hard to say. Since I’m a beautiful and unique snowflake, I’m going to go ahead and say, sure. We’re polar opposites.

Dear Goldfish,
politician fucks?

Ewww, no, thank you. I’m good. Or did you mean that politicians are fucks? If that’s the case, then, yes, they are fucks. Almost all of them, even if they don’t start out that way, are fucks.

Dear Goldfish,
things i wish i had more time to do?

I don’t know. I don’t even know who you are, so how could I possibly know what you like doing? You could spend all your time playing video games or writing for all I know. Those are things I wish I had more time to do. I also wish I had more time to sleep. I’d really like to have more time to be independently wealthy, too. It seems that I can never squeeze “be a multi-billionaire” into my to do list.

Dear Goldfish,
stupid thigs to hate?

Well, some people say that all things are stupid things to hate. Some say hate is a useless emotion. I disagree. Without hate, why would I get out of bed in the morning? If I wasn’t paid to hate all of you on a daily basis, I wouldn’t even bother.

[What? … Oh. What do I get paid for then? … Oh.]

Well, as it turns out, I’ve just been informed that I’m not actually paid to hate you all. In fact, I get paid to design things since I’m a graphic designer. I could have sworn there was “hate everything” in my job description somewhere, but apparently, I am not paid for that at all. I need to see a lawyer about that. It should be in my contract.

Dear Goldfish,
stories about inanimate personified objects?

Once upon a time, there was a shoe named Tim. Tim had a twin brother, Tom, who did everything backwards. Tim faced left while Tom faced right. They were polar opposites (see what I did there?). One day, Tom got a hole in his bottom. Instead of fixing Tom, Tim and Tom’s owners threw them both out because who the hell fixes shoes? Cobbler is a dessert, not a career these days. The end.

Dear Goldfish,
are there cows and chickens in the tornado from the wizard of oz?

How the fuck should I know? I hate that damn movie.

I don’t see any cows or chickens in there.

Dear Goldfish,
real dog doing thumbs up?

Um, do you know what a dog is? Because if you know what a dog is, you’d know that dogs do not have thumbs, so therefore a real dog doing a thumbs up is nigh on impossible. Here’s a picture of a real dog’s foot, namely my dog’s. Notice the lack of thumbs:

You’re welcome.

Dear Goldfish,
my own private space travelling company?

Do you have one? Cool! I’d like to have my own private space traveling company one day, too. Before I die, I want to get off this rock just once. Even if I just go up, look at the Earth from space, hang out for five minutes and come back down again, that’d be alright. I don’t even have to go to the moon. It galls me that we live in an era where space travel is possible, but it’s not very probable unless you are very rich. I am not very rich. If someone would like to make me me very rich and/or reserve a spot on the first commercial space traveling doohickey, I’d be much obliged.

Dear Goldfish,
jesus kiss my arse?

I’m not Jesus nor will I kiss your arse. Generally speaking though, Jesus can kiss my arse.

Dear Goldfish,
oklahoma earthquake funny?

Well, typically, earthquakes aren’t funny. I don’t know of any Oklahoma earthquake jokes.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Oklahoma earthquake
Oklahoma earthquake who?
Oklahoma earthquake funny.

See, I told you I don’t know of any Oklahoma earthquake jokes.

Dear Goldfish,
how to describe laughter from your mouth?

Is there any other kind of laughter besides the kind that comes from your mouth? Do I even want to know? Probably not.

Dear Goldfish,
moving out of state with only $1,000?

I’ve done it. It sucks. If you’re planning to move out of state, unless you’re moving somewhere with a job and a house already lined up, I’d recommend having a lot more money than that. That’s not even enough for a deposit on an apartment in most places. Good luck.

Dear Goldfish,
i’d like hang with batman?

Good for you. In case you were wondering or confused, I’m not Batman. I don’t even know the man. Word on the street is that he hangs out in Gotham City a lot.

Well, that’s just about all we have time for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.