Dear Goldfish Part 38

deargoldfishnew

Hello, Internet. It’s Friday and I don’t have much going, so that means it’s time for another installment of Dear Goldfish, the (not even) weekly series where I answer real questions asked by our studio audience, in other words, you.

The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines with no editing or censoring. I shall do my best to answer them.

Dear Goldfish,
i don’t think we have a clue to existence universe life god?

I agree. I don’t think we have a clue either. I’m fairly certain the clue to existence has nothing to do with hating people in the name of some god though. If your god wants you to be a bigot, I’d recommend finding another god.

Dear Goldfish,
heisenberg?

A long time ago (damn, nearly 100 years), well before there was a television series called Breaking Bad, there was a German dude named Heisenberg. He wrote a paper about quantum mechanics, an uncertainty principle was named after him, and he was actually rather dreamy.

Werner Heisenberg (Brains are hot)
(Brains are hot)

Dear Goldfish,
you look like a whote?

Alright then. Whatever a “whote” is. I’m just going to take it as a compliment.

Dear Goldfish,
why brain injury sucks?

Well, the brain controls everything you do, say, think, eat, breathe, etc. It is the thing that makes you you. If it gets injured, very bad things can happen. You might stop being you.

Dear Goldfish,
narate a story assuming that u have become a gold fish?

But, I already am a goldfish! Oh, alright then:

Blurble.

The end.

Dear Goldfish,
are small birds silly?

I don’t think size necessarily enters into bird silliness ratings. Some rather large birds are silly, while some small birds are very solemn indeed.

Emu's, a bird considered quite large by most bird standards, are a 7.3 on the bird silliness scale.
Emu’s, for example, a bird considered quite large (unless you’re an ostrich), are a 6.7 on the bird silliness scale. I mean, look at that tiny head. Plus, they tell terrible jokes.

Dear Goldfish,
i don’t like how men are on social media?

I’m sorry to hear that (you’re generalizing a whole gender. Don’t do that.).

Dear Goldfish,
what was life like before funny answers?

Very boring and not funny I’d imagine.

Dear Goldfish,
i’m a giraffe stuck in a human’s body?

That must be very uncomfortable for you since the average human is only 5’6″ and the average giraffe is 17 feet tall. Good luck getting unstuck.

Dear Goldfish,
what does begs the question mean?

I’m glad you asked. It does not mean to raise a question. It’s actually a form of logical fallacy. I explained it here:

“Begging the question” means assuming the truth of an argument without actually arguing it. It goes something like this: “This blog post is trash because it is garbage.” (A is true because B–which is just a rephrasing of A–is true). It can take a more convoluted form: “This blog post is trash because it’s obviously worthless. The fact that it’s worth nothing proves that it’s trash.” (A is true because B is true, and B is true because A is true.) Or the mother of all ridiculousness: “This blog post is trash because it is worthless. It has no value because no one will read it. Obviously, no one will read it because it’s trash.” (A is true because B is true, and B is true because C is true, and C is true because A is true.) That’s not an argument; it’s a carnival ride.

Dear Goldfish,
i hate lookie loos?

Me too. They hold everything up with their gawking.

Dear Goldfish,
too tight pants guy?

Ugh. I’m so glad the 1970s are over. Here’s hoping that trend never comes back.

Dear Goldfish,
things that we do before and still doing now?

Before what exactly? Well, one thing we’ve done before and after everything is breathe. Also, poop. We’ve always pooped.

Dear Goldfish,
technologies before and after hinges?

That’s an interesting question. While a billion technologies have been invented since the hinge, I’m not exactly sure what we used for hinges before hinges were invented. According to this history of hinges article on the webz:

The history of the hinge stretches so far back into antiquity that archaeologists aren’t sure of its exact origin. While many metal hinges remain from periods dating back 5500 years, there is also evidence from later cultures that wood and stone were used to produce them, it follows that some of these ancient Mesopotamian cultures may have been producing them prior to the Bronze Age.

Fascinating and something I never gave any thought to before. Thanks for that.

Dear Goldfish,
jimmy choo gold shoes?

I can’t believe I’m still getting hits on something from a post that’s over four years old. Surely Jimmy Choo gold sandals can’t possibly be in fashion anymore, right? I thought fashion changed every week. How can you still be asking about four-year old shoes?

From Well Known Facts.
From Well-Known Facts: Goldfish Edition.

Dear Goldfish,
we don’t like fish these days?

We don’t like you either.


Well, that’s just about all we have time for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish by searching the internet for stupid things and ending up here. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.

Dear Goldfish Part 37

deargoldfishnew

Hello, Internet. Since I just told you yesterday that I’m only posting about grief and dwarves, inspired by Not A Punk Rocker‘s latest search terms, it’s time for another installment of Dear Goldfish, the (not) weekly series where I answer real questions asked by our studio audience, in other words, you.

The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines with no editing or censoring (and culled using the classic stats page, of course). I shall do my best to answer them.

Dear Goldfish,
words to describe laughter in a bad way?

I don’t think there are any bad ways to describe laughter. Laughter is always good, unless you’re laughing at someone. Then it’s just mean.

Dear Goldfish,
what was baby jesus like?

Well, I don’t rightly know since he died a long time before I was born, but I’d say that baby Jesus was just like other babies, i.e. annoying, what with the constant crying and pooping.

Dear Goldfish,
meaning of wearing panties upside down?

It’s a gang sign for the 13th street gang. It means back off or you’re dead.

Actually, I just made that up since I have no idea how one would even go about wearing panties upside down, unless you wear them on your head.

Dear Goldfish,
sonny chiba penuts?

I’m not sure what a penuts is or it has to do with Sonny Chiba, but I do know that Sonny Chiba is made entirely of badassery, and with the possible exception of Bruce Lee (just for sentimental reasons), he’s my favorite ass-kicker. I own not one, but two, Sonny Chiba box sets, because Sonny Chiba rules. Anyone who says different will have their ass kicked by Sonny Chiba’s penuts.

Made entirely of badassery.
Made entirely of badassery.

Dear Goldfish,
giraffe with heart eyes?

Why? Oh, alright. Fine.

giraffe

Dear Goldfish,
little fish on belly meaning?

You’ve got some real stumpers today. I have no idea why anyone would have a little fish on their belly. Get that fish some water STAT!

Dear Goldfish,
don’t trust a sociopath?

Excellent advice. I have nothing to add to that.

Dear Goldfish,
are upper thighs ugly?

I suppose it all depends on who’s upper thigh you’re looking at. It’s all subjective anyway.

Dear Goldfish,
starting a band with four letters?

Well, realistically, it’s more important to have, say, four instruments than four letters when starting a band. Letters aren’t very musical. Besides, I’m pretty sure most four letter words have already been used as band names.

Dear Goldfish,
women yukk horrible?

Alright. You’re entitled to your opinion. But, if women are “yukk horrible,” why are you searching the internet for them?

Dear Goldfish,
pierre curie smiling?

010_pierre-et-marie-curie_theredlist

Dear Goldfish,
don’t want to use social media?

Nope. I don’t want to use it at all.

Dear Goldfish,
what is letter d?

Well, D is the fourth letter in the English alphabet and the 10th most frequently used. You can’t spell Dear Goldfish without it.

Dear Goldfish,
capteur de reve?

French! Translate says that means, “dream sensor,” so, congratulations! I have no idea what that means in either French or English!

Dear Goldfish,
chemical changes for tin-foil?

Well, tin foil doesn’t generally go through chemical changes as tin foil. You can melt it, but then it ceases to be foil and it’s just tin.

Dear Goldfish,
stop being nice?

Alright. Fuck you.

Well, that’s just about all we have time for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.

Dear Goldfish Part 36

deargoldfishnew

Hello, Internet. Welcome back to Dear Goldfish, the (not technically) weekly series where I answer real questions asked by our studio audience, in other words, you. The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines with no editing or censoring.

Dear Goldfish,
why do i always change what tattoo i want?

Well, hopefully, the “want” part of that question means that you haven’t gotten one yet, because it’s much harder to change a tattoo once you’ve gotten it. Until you don’t change what you want, I’d recommend not getting one.

Dear Goldfish,
what did we do before trees?

I’m pretty sure that trees were here before we were.

Dear Goldfish,
what makes me awesome?

I have no idea. I don’t even know who you are or that you are actually awesome.

Dear Goldfish,
germany in the sound of music?

Actually, no, that was Austria.

Ween , second from left, with his family in the German Alps outside of Meisterstadt, Germany
Austria.

Dear Goldfish,
poignant universe vastness light billioms?

Yes! Whatever the hell that means, it sounds very deep.

Dear Goldfish,
pro’s and con’s of not talking to your pet?

Well, I’m not sure that there are pros and cons of talking to your pets. Mine don’t seem to mind if I talk to them. In fact, my dog loves when I talk to her, but she refuses to do the adorable head tilt.

(huffingtonpost.com)
(huffingtonpost.com)

I say, go ahead and talk to your pets. It can’t hurt.

Dear Goldfish,
before we had phones waht did we use?

We yelled a lot.

Before phones, we had telegraphs.

(legacywww.magnet.fsu.edu)
(legacywww.magnet.fsu.edu)

And before telegraphs we had snail mail.

(janeaustensworld.com)
(janeaustensworld.com)

And before snail mail, we had boats, horses and feet.

Dear Goldfish,
the almighty defenestrator au79?

I recognize that chemical symbol and atomic number. That’s gold! It never made much sense to me that gold would be au, but there you have it. Did you know that au also stands for astronomical unit? An au is roughly the distance from Earth to the Sun (about 150 million kilometers, 93 million miles).

Anyway, we’re off track. The Almighty Defenestrator sounds like an awesome name for a comic book villain.

Dear Goldfish,
tattoovorlagen traumfänger?

The only part of that I recognize is tattoo, so this is probably going to be a terrible question.

It’s German and it says… tattoo templates dream catcher. Why would the Germans have a word for dreamcatcher, which is a Native American tradition? I suppose they just mashed the words “dream” and “catcher” together like we did.

Anyway, the answer is no, do not do it.

Dear Goldfish,
psych bands you have never heard of?

I’ve never heard of a psych band at all, whatever that is, so, I guess the answer is all of them.

Also, for future reference, you can’t really ask someone to tell you something they’ve never heard of, since they’ve, you know, never heard of it.

Dear Goldfish,
лица демонес?

Russian. I have a lot of Russian visitors. Let’s see what the translator says you’re asking… person demones.

Well, that translation doesn’t really help since it doesn’t make any sense. Go ahead and pick the appropriate response of your choice:

responses

Dear Goldfish,
brainnards?

Hm. Yes, I have some. I’m also very fond of that word and have used it quite a bit.

Dear Goldfish,
boys name that means algea?

Let’s see… how about Algae. That’s a pretty gender neutral name I would think.

Dear Goldfish,
was britain fully committed to suprsing the american revolution?

That’s an interesting question. I find it odd that the only part of the question you flubbed was the verby part, so that I’m not sure whether you mean suppressing or surprising. I’m going to assume you mean suppressing since surprising the American Revolution seems like an odd thing to do. SURPRISE!

I’m not a history scholar, but I’d say that, yes, Britain was pretty durn committed to suppressing the American Revolution.

Dear Goldfish,
things peopel can’t handle?

Apparently, spelling would be one. Let’s see, what else? Spent uranium rods would be very bad for people to handle. Also, molten lava or acid. Don’t handle those without proper safety equipment.

Dear Goldfish,
girls are stupid?

No, girls are not stupid. Well, some are, but as a general rule, they’re not. Also, some boys are stupid. And some have cooties. So there.


Well, that’s just about all we have time for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.

Dear Goldfish Part 35

deargoldfishnew

Hello, Internet. Welcome back to Dear Goldfish, the (more monthly than) weekly series where I answer real questions asked by our studio audience, in other words, you. The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines with no editing or censoring.

deargoldfishnew

Dear Goldfish,
Baby jesus?

I’m very glad Xmas is over, so I can retire as reigning expert on the baby J. Although, Easter is right around the corner…

Screen shot 2015-01-09 at 8.30.34 AM

Dear Goldfish,
strippers azz shaking?

That’s not how you spell ass, ass.

Dear Goldfish,
do you think full chest tattoos on women are trampy?

It depends on the tattoo I suppose. Having TRAMPY tattooed across your chest, for example, would be rather trampy.

Dear Goldfish,
do tattooed fish die faster than normal?

Why on earth would you tattoo a fish? And stop asking me tattoo questions, please. Thanks.

Dear Goldfish,
letter for c?

Hm. let me think… is it C?

Dear Goldfish,
hyviä ja huonoja puolia koiran?

Based on the sheer number of vowels, I believe that’s the language of my peeps: Finnish. I have no idea what it means though. To the translator, Batman.

“Pros and cons of the dog.”

You’re in luck as I’ve already written that down.

Dear Goldfish,
wife becomes drug addicted whore stories?

Um, I don’t have a wife. I’ve never been married. And if I were, I’d most likely have a husband, not a wife. And if I did have a wife, I’d try to avoid marrying the drug addicted whore variety.

Dear Goldfish,
extremely dumb jokes?

(kickvick.com)
(kickvick.com)

Dear Goldfish,
say sissy out loud?

OK. Sissy out loud.

Dear Goldfish,
homophone for realized?

Ooh, a language question. Homophones are words with the same pronunciation, but different spelling, e.g. reign, rain, rein. Realized isn’t a homophone since there’s no other word that sounds like it. If you hear someone say “realized,” what they really mean is “realized.”

Dear Goldfish,
are you sure it’s safe?

Why, no, I’m not actually. Life is a pretty unsafe endeavor when you come down to it since it invariably ends in death. Cheers!

Dear Goldfish,
stop hating the universe?

I don’t hate the universe. I think the universe is a marvelous place full of potential and unlimited mystery. I am fascinated by it. I mean, just look at how cool this shit is and this is just one tiny part, our part, of the universe:

Not seen in Los Angeles, a fish-eye mosaic of the Milky Way arching at a high inclination across the night sky, shot from a dark sky location in Chile from the wiki.
A fish-eye mosaic of the Milky Way arching at a high inclination across the night sky, shot from a dark sky location in Chile.

Dear Goldfish,
the word for the unexplainable want to jump of a cliff when standing on one?

Well, it’s not a word so much as a French phrase: L’appel du vide. Translated, it literally means the call of the void.

Dear Goldfish,
what does the sound of your laugh mean?

Well, generally, if you hear the sound of my laugh, it means that I found something funny. I believe it’s the same across the human species, but I can’t speak for others.

Dear Goldfish,
fish truism?

A truism is a statement so obviously true that it isn’t worth mentioning. Let’s see, one with a fish… Oh, I know… House guests are like fish; they both stink after three days.

Dear Goldfish,
massage your dead grendmother?

I think you got your vowels mixed up there. My grandmother was cremated anyway.


Well, that’s just about all we have time for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.

Dear Goldfish Part 34

deargoldfish

Hello, Internet. Welcome back to Dear Goldfish, the (not even close to) weekly series where I answer real questions asked by our studio audience, in other words, you. The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines with no editing or censoring.

Dear Goldfish,
Baby jesus?

When did I become the expert on baby Jesus? In the last 7 days, 101 of you have searched for him only to wind up here, and that’s not including the rest of you who can’t spell nor the 22 of you who typed Jesus baby.

Screen shot 2014-12-05 at 10.19.18 AM

I hate to break it to you, but I’m an atheist and there is no baby here, Jesus or otherwise. I’d recommend looking for Jesus elsewhere.

Dear Goldfish,
what makes me awesome?

How should I know? I don’t even know who you are or that you are, in fact, awesome. Using the internet as a Magic 8 Ball sort of makes you awesome though. From now on, I’m going to ask the internet everything.

(camaro5.com)
(camaro5.com)

Dear Goldfish,
a quote from my favorite movie?

I have absolutely no idea what your favorite movie is, so here’s one from mine.

bladerunner

I have seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die…

Dear Goldfish,
mexico land of beauty where gardenias grow?

México is very pretty. I’m not sure about the gardenias, but suddenly, I have a craving for one of those froufrou fruity umbrella drinks.

(yucatanvacations.com)
(yucatanvacations.com)

Dear Goldfish,
should all homes have a dog?

I don’t think so. There are some people who just aren’t suited to having pets, dogs in particular, since they’re a lot of work.

Dear Goldfish,
the word for the unexplainable want to jump of a cliff when standing on one?

I don’t think there’s one word specifically for this phenomenon. Some people who suffer acrophobia, fear of heights, have expressed an inexplicable urge to jump from high places. The French have a phrase that covers it: l’appel du vide or the call of the void. Don’t ask me why I know that (because I have no idea).

Dear Goldfish,
i am a wallrous cocokasho?

Okay then. Good for you. Go on with your badass wallrous cocokasho self then.

Dear Goldfish,
if i know about my future ?

I would recommend giving up on that quest. Instead of trying to know your future, how about working towards having a better one?

Dear Goldfish,
batman coat of arms?

I’m not sure if the Wayne family has a coat of arms, and honestly, I don’t care enough to find out, but Batman has this, which is pretty close to a coat of arms:

(DC Comics)
(DC Comics)

Dear Goldfish,
funny drawings of dogs biting people?

That’s not funny.

Dear Goldfish,
depression sucks?

Yes. Yes, it does. Very much.

Dear Goldfish,
attrape rêve tatouage avec fleur?

I have no idea what that says. Google Translate to the rescue! “Dream catcher tattoo with flower.”

Good god. Now this ridiculous dream catcher tattoo trend has spread to France? Stop that.

Dear Goldfish,
burying a dead body?

Seriously? You’re asking the internet how to do that? There are some fucked up people out there. Get a shovel, dude.

Dear Goldfish,
gold fish i have a dream that this country will rise up?

That’s a really nice dream. I hope it comes true.

Dear Goldfish,
don’t invite me to play games on facebook?

Deal, but the same goes for you. Don’t invite me to play games on Facebook, because I’ll just ignore the requests.

Dear Goldfish,
your life is ending?

Yes, that’s true. Eventually, one day, my life will end, but so will everyone else’s. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, peeps. I’m going to México to get an umbrella drink.


Well, that’s just about all we have time for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.

Dear Goldfish Part 33

deargoldfish

deargoldfishWelcome back to Dear Goldfish, the (hyperbolically) weekly series where I answer real questions asked by our studio audience, in other words, you. The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines with no editing or censoring.

Dear Goldfish,
21?

Last time, a bunch of you asked me about “14.” Now you want to know all about 21. Quick, what’s 3 times 7? What’s the legal drinking age in the United States? What a winning hand at Black Jack?

Dear Goldfish,
old lady with dog face tattooed on her breast pics?

No, sorry, we’re not doing that. Ask the rest of the internet.

Dear Goldfish,
cute emo guys 12 years old?

Sorry, I prefer my guys much older than 12 and not very emo at all.

Dear Goldfish,
go vote?

It’s a little late for that now, but yes, the sentiment is good. Go vote! Next time!

Dear Goldfish,
is australia part of asia?

Sigh.

No. They’re two separate continents.

Dear Goldfish,
why is dogs better than a goldfish?

I’m not sure they are. At least, not this goldfish. Dogs are pretty awesome though.

Dear Goldfish,
american revolution funny tattoo?

There’s nothing particularly funny about tattoos or the American revolution. That reminds me. I really need to finish my History Lessons With Goldfish series.

Dear Goldfish,
pro and con of having baby jesus?

Really? I mean, seriously?

Dear Goldfish,
what do you call a left handed upside down writer?

Um, I don’t know. I give up. What do you call a left-handed upside-down writer?

Dear Goldfish,
i got off work and there was a wet spot on my bed my boyfriend said it was his drull but it was to low an to big?

Right about now, I’m sure at least some of you are thinking that I make these questions up. That it’s all a big sham, and there’s no way that someone would search the internet for that and end up here. Well, pics or it didn’t happen:

Screen shot 2014-11-06 at 11.07.21 AM

So, now that we’ve cleared that up, let’s answer the question.

Well, it could very easily have been something like nocturnal emissions, which is completely natural and nothing to worry about. I’m not explaining that any farther. Look it up somewhere else on the internet.

Dear Goldfish
green number 7?

Credit: Eurritimia via Flickr.
(Eurritimia via Flickr.)

Dear Goldfish,
pictures of baby jesus?

What’s with the baby Jesus all of a sudden? Anyway, there are no pictures of baby Jesus since cameras didn’t exist 2014 years ago. Sorry.

Dear Goldfish,
similarities and contrast between fog and spoon?

Well, as for similarities, they’re both nouns that exist on the planet earth. Contrasts include nearly every other quality.

Dear Goldfish,
why does my dog sleep with her butt facing me?

I DON’T KNOW. My dog does the same thing, so if you ever figure it out, let me know.

Dear Goldfish,
how to book the band goldfish for a 40th birthday party?

I don’t have a band. You can be glad of that because I have zero musical ability.

Dear Goldfish,
is it ok if a dreamcatcher tattoos with the breast cancer symbol inside?

No. You asked and that’s my opinion. Don’t get a dream catcher or a breast cancer symbol tattoo.

Dear Goldfish,
yes i am a sissy and i dont care because i like sissy things and i will live my life as a sissy?

Another one you probably won’t believe without proof:

Screen shot 2014-11-06 at 11.05.48 AM

I am not making this shit up, folks.

Anyway, as to the question, HELLS YEAH. You go on with your badass sissy self. High five!

Dear Goldfish,
if i do my best god does the rest tattoos?

As far as I know, god doesn’t do tattoos.

Dear Goldfish,
does the universe hate me?

For some unknown reason, I’m asked this one a lot. From now on, I’m just going to go ahead and say yes. Yes, it does.

Dear Goldfish,
i hate goldfish?

Well, I probably hate you, too.

Dear Goldfish,
do you lose calories when you blink?

Really, people? If you’re so worried about counting calories that you would actually blink more, you need to stop worrying about counting calories.

Dear Goldfish,
does a trouser with the zip being opened from the left mean it was specifically made for women?

Yes and no. Way back in the day, yes, a left-facing zipper meant women’s clothing, but in the 20th century, the practice of assigning genders to zippers went out of favor. Nowadays, almost all zippers face right, regardless of which gender for which the clothing is intended.

Dear Goldfish,
why so serious?

You would be too if you had to answer these questions.


Well, that’s just about all we have time for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.

Dear Goldfish Part 32

(wino-strut-nation.com)

For the first time in the history of Dear Goldfish, it is actually a weekly series since I just did one last week! However, the only reason I’m doing another is because I hadn’t done a DG in so long, I had leftovers. I suppose we’ll just call it even and move on.

Anyway, welcome back to Dear Goldfish, the weekly series where I answer real questions asked by our studio audience, in other words, you. The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines with no editing or censoring.

Dear Goldfish,
14?

According to the internet, FOG is an expert on 14 since, in the last week, eight people have strangely searched just for the number and ended up here.

Screen shot 2014-09-12 at 1.40.23 PM

I’m going to change FOG’s tagline to “FOG: for all your 14 needs.”

Dear Goldfish,
sing along and stories part 1?

Alright. Sing along with me:

Lalalalalala.

To be continued.

Dear Goldfish,
possums are creepy?

Yup. Except the one I drew:

possum

Dear Goldfish,
should i show my tattoos in pubic?

That entirely depends on where on your person your tattoos are located.

Dear Goldfish,
why does the universe hate me?

Really, seven of you asked me this? That’s not including the rest of you who can’t spell.

Screen shot 2014-09-12 at 2.17.49 PM

It sure seem like it sometimes, but I don’t think the universe cares about you at all.

Dear Goldfish,
is the fish of gold a metaphor?

No. At least, not how I use it. Goldfish was taken.

Dear Goldfish,
awkward thing like gravy cake, a box full of toe nails?

I would say that gravy cake and a box full of toenails are pretty awkward, particularly if they’re given/received as a gift.

Dear Goldfish,
tell me about your mom?

No. Why would you care about my mom?

Dear Goldfish,
i edited your tattoos because you forgot the one thing a anchor does?

Um, thanks, I guess.

Dear Goldfish,
leprechaun riding unicorn pics?

Dude! I so wish I had some! I’m going to have to draw a leprechaun just so I can set him atop my unicorn drawing.

I did find this lying around the internet though:

(wino-strut-nation.com)
(wino-strut-nation.com)

Dear Goldfish,
write a letter to dead people?

Dear dead people,

I’m sorry you’re dead. Please, don’t haunt us.

Love,
Goldfish

Dear Goldfish,
hobby lobby taking away womens rights?

Yes. Read more here.

Dear Goldfish,
story of the crying fish?

There once was a fish named Goldfish who cried because people are stupid. The end.

Dear Goldfish,
its eerily quiet out there?

Well, that’s alright really. Quiet is good. If you start hearing spooky OOOoooOOOoooh noises or a chainsaw though, RUN!

Dear Goldfish,
dont test me?

Excellent advice. I have little patience.

Dear Goldfish,
why u dont listen me?

Because you are text and unless I run text through one of those apps that talks, I can’t actually hear you. Besides, you’re a total stranger and fuck that.

Dear Goldfish,
name of detroit red wings octopus?

It’s Al the Octopus!

detroit-red-wings-octopus-logo

I have a stuffed Al at home.

Dear Goldfish,
i has a boredom?

I’m sorry to hear that, but since your search landed you at FOG, it should be solved now.

Dear Goldfish,
how many countries in america?

Really? I’m just going to hope you’re asking how many countries there are in the continents of North or South America, not how many countries are in the singular country of America. Yes, let’s assume that.

Dear Goldfish,
work schmerk?

Damn straight. Friday afternoons are a drag.

Dear Goldfish,
why do lefties kill?

I don’t think handedness has any particular bearing on whether or not people are killers. That said, Lefties kill because the world is right-handed.

Dear Goldfish,
what did pople do before technolgy?

Well, we drank a lot. And knitted things by candlelight I suppose.

Dear Goldfish,
achieving. goatness?

I’m working on it. I hope to reach maximum goatness shortly. Stay tuned.


Well, that’s just about all we have time for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.

Dear Goldfish Part 31

deargoldfish

Hello, Internet. Welcome back to Dear Goldfish, the (not) weekly series where I answer real questions asked by our studio audience, in other words, you. The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines with no editing or censoring.

Dear Goldfish,
tattoos on your butt?

No, thank you. I prefer my behind tattoo-free.

Dear Goldfish,
ridiculous things people say to mentally ill?

Suck it up, sissy.

Dear Goldfish,
burying a body?

Not at the moment. Maybe later.

Dear Goldfish,
goldfish/ and the gay moment?

That sounds like an excellent fictional story, band name or superhero duo.

Dear Goldfish,
list of nouns?

  • Fuckwit
  • Asshat
  • Douchenozzle
  • Nonce
  • Kittycat

Dear Goldfish,
stripper butt tattoo designs?

Really? No, we’re not doing that.

Dear Goldfish,
images of teddy bear saying i don’t know wat to say?

funny-wallpapers-teddy-bear-wallpaper-36351

Dear Goldfish,
birthday hate words?

Old? Clowns? Happy birthday? I’m not sure what you’re going for here.

Dear Goldfish,
what does a moustache tattoo mean in private areas?

Both in public and private areas, a mustache tattoo means you’re kind of a trendy douche.

Dear Goldfish,
tattoo goo is a sham?

I’ll keep that in mind if I ever come across “tattoo goo,” whatever that is.

Dear Goldfish,
dwarf love making?

Next.

Dear Goldfish,
what can i add to my tribal tattoo so it wont look as stupid?

Heh. How about you just don’t get a stupid looking tattoo at all.

Dear Goldfish,
puppies and cons?

There are quite a few programs in prisons where convicts train dogs. I believe they’re highly successful for both the dogs and the inmates.

Dear Goldfish,
if you can’t handle my happy screaming kids go somewhere else?

No. I was here first. You go somewhere else.

Dear Goldfish,
products made for right handed people?

All of them. Every product is designed for right-handed people, except for the one product that isn’t (I have a pair of left-handed scissors).

Dear Goldfish,
what a waste of a gold mine. is this a metaphor or simile?

Is this a trick question?

Dear Goldfish,
brain, you’ve failed me again?

Yes.

Dear Goldfish,
what’s with all these bitches getting dreamcatchers?

I have no idea. I blame Miley Cyrus:

Miley Cyrus and her dumb dream catcher tattoo. Image from tattooforaweek.com
Miley Cyrus and her dumb dream catcher tattoo.
Image from tattooforaweek.com

Dear Goldfish,
at what age should a person quit sports fishing?

How the hell should I know? My dad is in his 80s and he still fishes from time to time.

Dear Goldfish,
is it stupid when parents get their kids name tattooed on them?

I don’t think so. In fact, I’d say your child’s name is one of the few acceptable names to get tattooed on your person. Other names include someone important to you who has died, your pets, family or any other person you’re likely not to break up with and hate in a few years.

Dear Goldfish,
i’m a friend of my ankle but i don’t have an anchor how come?

Um. Well, I have no idea what that means, but I’m glad you’re a friend of your ankle. Having your ankle as an enemy is no way to go through life.

Dear Goldfish,
14?

Sure.


Well, that’s just about all we have time for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.

Dear Goldfish Part 30

deargoldfish

Last year, I wrote a post called The Story of My Mom, which was actually about my mother’s Stockholm Syndrome and subsequent ignoring of my child sexual abuse. Yet, after that post, the most popular search term on this blog became “I fucked my mom,” because people are gross.

It got so bad that I stopped doing Dear Goldfish posts and eventually, I took The Story of My Mom down altogether. That’s right. I took a post down because I couldn’t stand the search terms anymore. It is still down. For the record, I never did that.

Unexpectedly, a day or two after I took the post down, I stopped getting those awful searches, so welcome back to Dear Goldfish, the (long absent) weekly series where I answer real questions asked by our studio audience, in other words, you. The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines with no editing or censoring.

Dear Goldfish,
why does the universe hate me?

I’m not sure that it does. The universe isn’t a sentient being capable of hate. It’s a vast inanimate space containing everything that has ever or will ever exist and it is still growing. If anything, it doesn’t care about you at all.

Dear Goldfish,
how to make a giraffe?

Get a male giraffe and a female giraffe, play some Barry White (or whatever giraffes are into), wait a while (however long a giraffe gestation period is) and voila, you’ve made a giraffe.

Dear Goldfish,
mary me goldfish?

I don’t even know you. Perhaps you should bring me flowers first.

Dear Goldfish,
what to get for people who hate birthdays?

Money. Cash money. Or one of those gift cards that you can use anywhere.

Dear Goldfish,
money grows on trees?

Yes. Here’s a map to find a money tree. I’d check in the Wet Wild Woods:

(www.story-stick.net)
(www.story-stick.net)

Watch out for the Bog Trolls. Luck!

Dear Goldfish,
how many left handed people die in right handed chairs?

Three? Actually, I have no idea. I didn’t even know there was such a thing as right-handed chairs. Most chairs are symmetrical, and therefore, ambidextrous, like so:

(www.usa-dinettes.com)
(www.usa-dinettes.com)

Dear Goldfish,
how to have a good sounding laugh?

Sorry, but your laugh is your laugh. When done properly, you can’t control what it sounds like. People will just have to deal. It doesn’t matter so much what your laugh sounds like as much as how often you do it. Dr. Goldfish prescribes one deep belly laugh per day.

Dear Goldfish,
fictional story about separation of church and state?

I haven’t written one of those yet. Perhaps I should.

Dear Goldfish,
who invented diamonds?

The earth did. Deep below the planet’s surface where it’s quite warm, the mantle squeezed and squeezed, and out popped diamonds.

They were first mined and given value in India some 3,000 plus years ago though, so in a way, I suppose you could say India invented diamonds.

Dear Goldfish,
arcane curse words?

Two of my favorite things together at last! I love old words and curse words. Some of my favorite old-timey insults can be found here, you clodpoll.

Dear Goldfish,
spanish toilet paper?

As far as I know, Spanish toilet paper is similar to any other nation’s toilet paper. It’s toilet paper–how different can it really be?

Dear Goldfish,
is wattie buchan hair real?

Interesting. Wattie Buchan is the lead singer for a band called The Exploited. I’ve met him a few times, and while I’ve never seriously investigated his hair, I believe it is real. This is what it looks like:

The Exploited Image from last.fm
(Image from last.fm)

Dear Goldfish,
the night that changed my life crossword?

Picture 1

(Answers: 2: TBI; 3 gush; 5 hospital; 7 wound; 8 stitch; 1 stagelight; 4 blood; 6 orderly)

Dear Goldfish,
pros and cons of dog poop?

Really, people? There aren’t any pros to dog poop except that it means your dog won’t explode.

Dear Goldfish,
my brain sucks?

High five. Mine, too.

Dear Goldfish,
qual o tamanho da via lactea em anos luz?

I don’t know what that means. All I recognize is light years. To the Translator!!!

How big is the Milky Way in light years?”

That is an excellent question for which I don’t have an answer! Let’s ask the internet.

According to the wikipedia: “The Milky Way galaxy is some 100,000–120,000 light-years in diameter.”

There you have it.

Dear Goldfish,
don’t fight with me?

OK, then. I hadn’t planned on it.

Dear Goldfish,
pigeon of peace?

Traditionally, it’s the dove that’s used to represent peace, but I suppose you could have a peace pigeon. Why not?

The Official Peace Pigeon. I named him Edgar. (oakcityhustle.com)
The Official Peace Pigeon. I named him Edgar.
(oakcityhustle.com)

Dear Goldfish,
my dog is exhausting me?

I hear that.


Well, that’s all the time we have for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.

Dear Goldfish Part 29

deargoldfish

This blog has been far too serious of late. It’s time to lighten it up a bit. So, welcome back to Dear Goldfish, the (purportedly) weekly series where I answer real questions asked by our studio audience, in other words, you. The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines with no editing or censoring.

Dear Goldfish,
cool?

Wow. You write one post called Cool and 23 people search just for that word and end up here. That’s pretty cool.

Dear Goldfish,
boredom?

Wow. You write several posts about boredom and 16 people search just for that word and end up here. That’s pretty sad.

Dear Goldfish,
why does the devil tell the man in hell to say “gesundheit?”?

I give up. Why?

Dear Goldfish,
i fucked my mom story?

OK, something is seriously not right here. What the hell, internet? Why on earth would you search that, and worse, how would that land you here? And it wasn’t just one, but a lot of you. You people are not right. Seriously, stop looking for stories about boinking your mom here, please.

Dear Goldfish,
lamps made from giraffes?

I can see wanting a giraffe lamp. Giraffes are cool, and their long neck and distinctive markings are perfect for a lamp. I would probably buy this lamp, for example:

Image from enlightenmentmag.com
Image from enlightenmentmag.com

A giraffe inspired, shaped or colored lamp is just fine. But a lamp made from giraffes? Well, no, not so much. That’s just wrong. Animals should not be turned into lamps. It just seems too Nazi to me.

Dear Goldfish,
dumb blonde jokes for kids?

Speaking of wrong, we have that question. Sorry, but I’m not really a fan of stereotype jokes, and certainly not for kids. Kids aren’t naturally biased. It’s something that’s taught with dumb blonde jokes. Don’t do that.

Dear Goldfish,
what is gold fishes?

Regular storebought goldfish under normal lighting conditions.

Actually, that are just one gold fishes. Here is gold fishes:

Regular storebought goldfish under normal lighting conditions.Regular storebought goldfish under normal lighting conditions.

Dear Goldfish,
artsy fish paintings?

Image from fineartamerica.com "Fine art," my ass.
Image from fineartamerica.com
“Fine art,” my ass.

Dear Goldfish,
who said, “the more i’m around people the better i like my dog”?

Well, the actual quote is: “The more I know about people, the better I like my dogs.” And it was said by none other than the king of pith himself, this guy:

Mark-Twain
If perchance you live in a cave, that’s Mr. Mark Twain.

And, for the record, I completely agree.

Dear Goldfish,
caliwompus?

Dude. Some of you searched for that one word and landed here. That’s awesome. I’d rather be known as the caliwompus blog than the fucked your mother blog.

Dear Goldfish,
accident with scissors in eyes?

For the love of fuck, no. NO!!!

Dear Goldfish,
how to cheer up your goldfish?

Well, giving me Friday afternoons off would be a good start.

Dear Goldfish,
fucking unfortunately really?

Yes.

Dear Goldfish,
ecstasy green elephants?

There’s a great story in there somewhere. Do tell.

Dear Goldfish,
do you sleep at all with insomnia?

Why, yes, I do, but it’s generally not a really good sleep. Either it takes me forever to fall asleep or I wake up wide awake in the wee hours, or both.

Dear Goldfish,
love mad libs?

Why, yes, I do. I should do another mad lib contest sooner or later.

Dear Goldfish,
im looking for a mental gold fish?

You found one!

Dear Goldfish,
why did the american colonists start the american revolution?

That’s an excellent question, but I still haven’t covered that part of the American Revolution yet in History Lessons With Goldfish. That reminds me that I really should finish that. We can’t leave America hangin’.

Dear Goldfish,
words ending with delic?

––––––––––––––

I’m cutting it short today because I can’t stand wading through all the fuck and mother search terms. Really, internet, how on earth are so many of you sick bastards searching for that and landing here? I don’t want to be an authority on that.

Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.